not a smooth criminal

The past two weeks have been ones of discovery for me.

I have discovered that I am a magnet for unavailable and inappropriate men...and that I do not handle male attention as well as I thought.

The two types of male attention I received are as follows:
1. Inappropriate: 24 years old (I am almost 29), very poorly educated, can't seem to hold down a steady job....but most inappropriate, recently fathered a child out of wedlock. This all adds to the fact that I do not find this individual attractive at all.

2. Also 24 (I feel like a damn cougar) but more responsible than no. 1 above...has a steady job, very gentlemanly manners, loves his family, no kids...and SMOKING HOT.
Unfortunately, we are of different religions, and this definitely makes him unavailable to me (or me to him, as is the case, as he asked if he could as me out).

I handled no.1 pretty well - just keep him at a very safe distance.

No. 2 - I completely freaked out when he indicated that he was interested.

So...not as smooth as I thought I was

MY OPINION OF “GARETH CLIFF ON EVERYTHING”

For all the non-South African people who are reading this post, Gareth Cliff is a radio and television personality here in South Africa. I think the two things he is most famous (or infamous-depending on whether you like him or not) for is being labelled a “shock-jock” on 5fm and for being a judge on SA Idols.

Gareth wrote a book – which was published a few weeks ago – and the content basically is made up of his opinions on everything (hence the title).

I bought the book a week ago and tweeted this information to Gareth – to which he responded, “...let me know what you think.”

I have just finished reading it.

And I dedicate today’s post (my opinions on your book) to you, G.

First off, let me say, reading it was how I would imagine having an actual conversation with you. I have heard you talk on radio and TV...and you write exactly the way you talk. I love it when authors employ that kind of use of the English language, and so it made reading the book an enjoyable experience.

Your jokes are not always below the belt, and the humour with regards to political matters never fail to make me laugh (it was also, in some instances, educational for me, as I am one of those people who don’t like to watch the news, so my political knowledge is sometimes below very basic). Ek lag my vrek as ek jou Afrikaanse woorde lees.

The best joke in the book: without a doubt the one about Nigella Lawson. You printed what I’ve been thinking ever since we got DSTV.

There are quite a number of things that I whole-heartedly agree with.

1.      Status of Education in South Africa and also people’s attitude towards it. I am a teacher myself – an informal one who plans on getting her teaching credentials as of next year (I actually studied Accounting but never went into corporate, got a job in a school instead). It saddens me to say that I have often been ridiculed by older teachers for my enthusiasm and effort to give extra help to those children who need it. Those types of people should get out of the profession and make way for people who want to be there.

2.      Government wasting money on crap like re-naming stuff and having an opening for Parliament (I didn’t know politicians also get holidays).

3.      Too many bosses and not enough people who work – I feel like that every day. I hate being in charge. Too much of a head ache and stress.

4.      And I absolutely LOATHE people who can’t be happy for others – it will cost you nothing to celebrate and applaud (sincerely) the success and happiness of others.

I will probably have to re-read the book a few more times to fully digest everything (which I will do).

To end off, I would like to...give my opinion on two matters:

1.      I know your stance on religion. And more than that, I will not judge you or disrespect you because we do not have the same opinion on it.

      I will tell you this (and this is from my religious education and from my upbringing): do not judge an entire religion based on the few crazies that are propagated by the media. There are many people who do despicable things in the name of religion. And if I can clear up a few misconceptions, I hope that it will help make you a little more tolerant of us who follow a religion (in my case, Islam):

We are not allowed to force people to believe as we do – but we are instructed to spread our message and way of life – mostly by being living examples of it.

2.      A Muslim woman is instructed to cover her body when she reaches puberty-the only things that should be shown are her hands and face. I did not do that when I became a young lady – not that I dressed like a harlot either, but I hated wearing a scarf. I still don’t like wearing a scarf, but I do it because I want to follow my religion as it has been prescribed for me and I understand why certain things have been prescribed. I cover my body because it should be for my future husband’s eyes alone (which is not a bad thing). I cover my body because I don’t want to be leered at or worse (you know how many sickos there are in this world).

And contrary to what has been portrayed, Muslim women are not oppressed. We can have careers and prosper, as long as we observe our prayers and other tenets, dress modestly and treat others properly.

By the way, the burqah is just one way of covering ourselves and is mostly worn by the Middle Eastern women (cultural dress). As long as a Muslim woman's dress doesn't reveal her body, she may wear what she likes :))

I was really happy to discover that we share a lot of similar ideas...especially when it comes to just being human, and trying to be a good human being. This book has actually shown that your heart is bigger than your mouth :)

Thank you for the entertainment (and in some instances, enlightenment). 

Congratulations on your success!

Ignorance is not bliss

I have become quite a fan of Twitter.
A lot of the people I follow, do not know me in person (in fact, only about 10 of the 34 actually do).
But most of them I follow because they have quirky and hilarious things to say (I like to laugh).
And I think it's a better forum for people to just...say what they're thinking.

This past week, I acquired a new follower. To my immense surprise, it is a radio DJ who is famous (or infamous?) for giving his opinions in a very straightforward manner.
Do I always agree with him? Not at all. Do I think that he needs to find out more about certain things? Definitely, yes-but we are all learning new things every day.
But what I like his honesty-and in today's society where honesty is a rare commodity, it is refreshing for me to see a 'celebrity' who isn't afraid to rock the boat.

But I'm beginning to digress.
So, this person started off by posting some of my tweets to his followers (for those of you who do not use Twitter, this is called re-tweeting) and 2 comments from 2 other individuals just irritated me this week...

Comment 1 (to me directly): Why am I, a 'decent, burka wearing Muslim female' on Twitter?
Comment 2 (to this DJ): Why is he retweeting tweets from someone wearing hijab (proper dress for Muslim women)?

I would like educate those of you who DON'T know on certain things regarding the dress of a Muslim woman.

1. According to the Qur'an and Hadith (sayings of our Prophet Muhammad S.A.W.) a woman is required to cover herself when she reaches puberty. The only parts of her body that is allowed to be visible are her face and hands.

2. Women who cover themselves completely (face and hands included) do so because of their CULTURE (and this is not necessarily a bad thing) and they do so BY CHOICE.

Why is it, that when a nun covers herself because of her religious vows, she is looked up to and admired because she is devoting herself to God, but when a Muslim woman does exactly the same thing, she is called oppressed?

Why is it that a Rastafarian can smoke weed because it is part of their religion/culture (bearing in mind what the effect of this 'cultural practice' is)-but when a woman covers herself to protect herself from the stares of other men and to reserve her beauty for her husband, her culture is backward.

Really people, before you express an opinion about something of which you have no knowledge, go and do your homework.

Ignorance is not bliss.

Ramadaan

We’re halfway through Ramadaan.

When you first start fasting as a child, the only thing that you really feel is the fact that you cannot eat or drink from sunrise to sunset for 29 or 30 consecutive days.

As you grow older, other things regarding this month become more evident. You are required to check your mood and temper more, the amount of time that you save not eating and drinking (it’s amazing how much time we spend on that!) should be used to increase your acts of worship – more prayer, more recitation of the Qur’an, more remembrance of God.

I have to say, my appreciation and understanding of what this month really should be for a Muslim has only come to me in recent years. And even though I have a better understanding of what is required of me, I will admit that there are times where it can be a struggle. But I suppose that all true sacrifices should be a struggle.

This year, someone pointed out to me that Ramadaan is also a month that strips you of your pretentions, and that the realities of one’s life become much clearer.

I have discovered that to be very true. There are things in my life that I knew were there, but refused to accept, and I have been forced to acknowledge and accept that these things exist and that my life is not exactly what I want it to be.

My dilemma right now is this: how do tell the difference between what I can change and what I have to accept?

Ramadaan and the flu

As the title of this post reads, that is where I find myself at this moment...
Fifth day of Ramadaan, and I am sick as a dog...to the extent where I have absolutely no voice and therefore have to rely on my 'other voice' to say what I think and feel.

Yesterday and today are the first actual winter days we've had in like a month. And we're supposed to be in our last month of winter. The change of weather has, I think, impacted greatly on me being sick right now. The weather and a few other things as well.
Having said all of the above, despite my flu, I've actually been finding it quite easy to fast. I don't feel hungry at all, I have no headaches...the only thing that has been disappointing is that I've been too drained at night to go to mosque for Taraaweeh (for any non-Muslim following this blog, Taraaweeh is a specific prayer that we pray only during the month of Ramadaan...yes, this is in addition to our normal daily 5...where in the prayer throughout the month, we attempt to finish the recitation of the entire Qur'an).

Usually, this month tends to fly by for me...but I'm happy to say that the last 5 days have progressed at a very nice relaxed pace for me...I feel like I have all the time in the world to do the things that I need to do...(makes one think of how much time we spend eating).

i hate emotional men

Everybody goes through this one thing when they're young and stupid: you sit around with your friends and make this list of the things that you want in a guy...

He must have nice hair, pretty eyes, acne-free skin, a sense of humour, he must be sensitive, he must be rich,  he must be clever...and the list goes on and on with a whole lotta other shallow things.

I know I did it.

One thing I totally still agree on now though is sensitivity (oh, and humour also...so that makes it two things).

But, what is sensitivity in a guy?

Well, for me, basically, it's just being tolerant of the quirks of the girl he loves and being there for her (without judgement or comment) during her not-so-finest moments...

NOT sending her soppy messages 20 million times a day. NOT invading my space with too much pda.

And especially NOT ones who act all wounded and crap when you don't take notice of them, when they're not entitled to nor warrant your attention at all. Those type of guys are EMOTIONAL, not sensitive.

And I HATE emotional men.

flattery will get you nowhere with me

So I think whoever reads the title of this post will go, "Hmm...is she talking about guys again?".
If you have indeed thought or said that out loud, I applaud you for getting to know me so well in such a short time, but I also laugh as it is not really guys that inspired today's ravings.

My school has about 34 or so members of teaching staff. One of them is a lady of 56 who has been teaching for about 37 years. She has somewhat of a strange demeanor, but I won't go into that because I didn't start this blog to badmouth people.
One thing about her that annoys me about her though is that she over flatters people. I don't know if you know what I mean so I will explain....whenever I do something for her (that falls part of my job description) she will say things like, "You're a star!" or something like that, that makes me feel like she treats me as if I'm one of her Grade 4 learners.

I will accept appreciation and gratitude for any good thing that I do...whether it be my job or something else.
A simple 'thank you' goes a very long way with me. But flattery is something that makes me really uncomfortable. I never know how to respond to it and when flattery is given with the intention of getting something out of me, I get mad as hell.

Flattery, for me, is the tactic of a dishonest person...and for precisely this reason, I hate it when guys use it too..

belief in fairies and leprechauns, but not God (wth?!)

Today, while I was reading the paper, I came across an article about the actress Helen Mirren.
I've always liked her as an actress...she can transition between drama and comedy as effortlessly as putting on and taking off a satin robe.

But, after reading this article, I've come to the conclusion that she is not as clever as her posh accent may suggest. The article alleges (and I use this word because journalists today are more untrustworthy than criminals...being prone to bending the truth a bit and quoting people out of context) that Ms. Mirren believes in fairies and leprechauns, but not in God.
WTH???
And if this be true, who in their right mind would make a statement like that??

back to reality

Today was the first day of the third term. I was expecting a bit of a humdinger of a day...and a few things were slightly amiss when I got to school. The outside phone cables were stolen...again...and so now we're unable to make calls or use the internet. Makes things slightly more challenging, especially since we do our banking over the internet, but in actual fact, the office is super quiet because there isn't this constant nagging ringing.
The educators also left me alone (only one of them had some work for me).

So instead of chaos, I had the most stress free day :))

my favourite literary couples

Reading is a favourite pastime of mine. I love movies, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve come to realise that the movies I like best are the ones that bring my favourite pieces of literature to life.

And contrary to general opinion, a good book is wayyyy better than a good movie – in my opinion, when you read a truly brilliant piece of writing, the words come alive in your imagination, as if you were watching a movie in your head.

I only discovered the joys of reading during my final year at high school – I think the reason for that is because the books that are chosen for us to study are really boring, depressing ones, generally with a concurrent theme from Grade 9 right up to Matric. It’s been 12 years hence and I am now even more in love with books than I was then.

Throughout my journey through the world of literature, I have met and fallen in love with numerous characters. The ones I love best, though, are the unusual couples found in the stories. The following (in no particular order) are my favourites...

Alexandra and Jordan Townsende – The first books I was introduced to were romance novels...this couple is from Something Wonderful, by Judith McNaught.

Marianne Dashwood and Colonel Charles Brandon – Even though they are fictitious characters, they are the affirmation that age is nothing but a number.

Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy – Yes, that is Mr. Darcy’s name. The most famous couple in the English language. I love them because they started off by rubbing each other up the wrong way.

Jane Eyre and Edward Fairfax Rochester – Quite possibly my favourite couple of all. Their love is based on an admiration, love and appreciation for each other’s character, rather than on a physical attraction.

Edward Cullen and Bella Swan – These two take devotion to a whole new level. But everyone is allowed an unrealistic dream, and I suppose this relationship is mine.

Jasper Hale and Alice Cullen – Initially, I watched Twilight before I even knew about the books, and I have to say, I was completely bonkers for Edward for a while. But when I read the books, in particular, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn and Midnight Sun, this couple stood out for me. Their relationship is exactly what I would want from one – a guy, who is affectionate only when he is with me, who would want to kill the last person who would even think of harming me, but at the same time acknowledges that I can and will fight my own battles, a guy who lets me have my own life and is happy to pursue his own interests while I pursue mine. A guy, who loves me, even though I may be quirky as hell. Ooh, and let’s not forget, that he was an army general before he became one of the undead – and I love a man in uniform.

Esme and Carlisle Cullen – I just love them...and their story.

Anne Elliot and Frederick Wentworth – once again, an example of how a beautiful character has the ability to capture someone’s interest more than beautiful face.

These are my favourites. And I’m sure I will meet many more interesting couples on my literary journeys.

view from my balcony

So, I live in Cape Town. Until last December, I had been living in a little suburb called Surrey Estate...not of much consequence but a lovely area nonetheless, and I was very sad to leave it to come and live here. I don't particularly like this part of Cape Town, for many reasons which will depress the hell out of me should I go into it all now, but it does have a spectacular view.

random thoughts

I have quite a lot on my mind today.

1.      Dreams.

Some people say that dreams are suppressed desires. Others say that dreams are warnings and reminders from God. My eldest brother (who is kind of a genius) says that we shouldn’t really dwell on the things that we dream.

In my case, I tend to agree with my brother, because if I were to dwell on the dreams that I have, it would serve no purpose other than to confirm that I need to be institutionalized.

I have had some weird dreams in my lifetime. Once, I dreamt that I was being chased by a werewolf Michael Jackson (this too after I saw the Thriller video...to this day, that song and video creeps me out).

But I have been dreaming again of my fantasy guy. Dreaming of Jackson Rathbone. And when I wake up from these dreams, I think to myself, “Is it normal for 28 year olds to be dreaming of celebrities?”

2.      Language

Two days ago I went to meet a friend at a mall. We haven’t seen each other for a while, and I really needed to get out of the house and do something fun. In all honesty, I would have been very happy to just spend the afternoon eating and talking to her. She is someone, probably these days the only one, with whom I can let my guard down completely, and just be myself, without being afraid of offending her, or censure from her. But she suggested that we go see a movie, and we ended up going to watch the latest film adaptation of Jane Eyre.

I was so happy we decided to watch that. Not only did the movie remain true to the literature, the acting was absolutely brilliant and the person portraying Mr. Rochester was just (for me at least) too divine. I’m quite in love with Michael Fassbender.

Watching it made me think of this time (about 2 years ago) where all I wanted to read were classic romance novels. I read all of Jane Austen’s novels, I read Jane Eyre (which I absolutely loved, despite the fact that it drags a bit at the beginning), I even read Wuthering Heights (which I will never read again, as long as I live – I think Emily Bronte might have had serious emotional and psychological problems, to have written such a depressing book).

Two things drew me to this genre of literature – firstly, they are romances, and I love romance novels. But more than that, it is the way people used to talk in that era. If I listen to people talk today...it actually upsets me, the way people have massacred English.

But in those novels...wow.

My current favourite quote (from Jane Eyre) is by Mr. Rochester, trying to make Jane aware of his feelings for her, in quite a clever, indirect way...

“I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you – especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I’ve a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly.”

Oh, I am quite in love with this quote and this character. And quite in love with the way people spoke during that time.

sometimes its okay to be selfish

Wow. It’s been more than a week since I’ve posted (a damn long time for me to be silent).

But, I’ve had somewhat of a challenging week.

Weeks like the one I’ve just experienced makes me really miss the days where my biggest worry was whether my mom was going to make me a Swiss roll for my birthday.

I’m supposed to be on holiday, but I’ve been helping my dad out at work a lot. That is usually not a problem, but when you have to navigate crappy moods as well, it tends to tire one out a bit.

So, work during the day, and I’ve been drowning my own sorrows in chocolate, Hawaii 5-0 and movies (let me just come in here and say that I am seriously lusting after Steve McGarret, Danny Williams and Chin-ho Kelly).

Today was a bit better. I took a walk down to the CBD and browsed some shops, got a coffee and some delicious cinnamon doughnuts, and sat down outside for an hour or so with a magazine. No disturbances, no need to make small talk with anyone, just some quiet time with myself. I also think that the physical activity released some much needed endorphins and hopefully I’ll sleep a bit better tonight.


So, I've just logged on and checked on the updates of the 2 blogs that I follow.
One specific blogger and her specific blog entry has made me a little...well, upset actually.


I started my blog mainly through the inspiration of this particular person. And as I've said previously, my blog is not dedicated to anything specific. In fact, those of you who have read it will see that I kind of use it to vent about things and celebrate other things. But it has become a tool that I use to get things off my chest. A tool I gladly use for that purpose.


My blog may not inspire anyone, and it may help no one (although it is my fervent hope that through some of the things I say, others will be inspired or helped in some way).
But, it helps me.


And so, to this person, she knows who she is, I say: don't always do things with others in mind. It is good to do for others, and I will always encourage you to help where you can...
But let there be some things, that you do purely for yourself.

God will never test you beyond your capacity...but maybe I am close to mine

Today, while my sister and I were driving home, this question popped into my head...
How much more shit can I take before I eventually crack?

During my pursuit of my religious education, one thing that all of my lecturers always tried to instill in us was that God never puts us through trials that we cannot handle. It's this mantra that has helped me tremendously in dealing with my problems at home, at work, in my personal life.

Right now though, I feel like I am one altercation away from my breaking point.
I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, nothing I do for people will be appreciated, everything I do for myself will be considered the very extent of selfishness and that people will use me, for the rest of my life, as their very own personal punching bag.

courage

For the last few weeks I've been around couples and love.
Fighting couples, loving couples, newly-wed couples, old married couples, secret love, unrequited love...
and it has to be said, my love life has consisted mainly of the last two types.

But I did one thing this year that I'm quite proud of.

You see, as big as my mouth is (and it's big), I am a big wuss when it comes to letting someone know how I feel about them.
Then last year, I fell for someone...someone who is unlike any other guy I know. This guy is kind and considerate, doesn't have a malicious bone in his body, intelligent but not arrogant, a little quiet, but I don't actually mind that. Everything you could hope for when considering someone for marriage. But I've always maintained that there has to be an attraction between people on a more basic level for them to even consider marriage...and since I've known this guy for more than 10 years, well, I didn't really have that kind of attraction to him at all...

Until last year.

Unfortunately, he did not reciprocate my feelings. It stung for a while, more than I initially thought it would. I don't think even I realised just how much I liked him.

But after a while, the sting lessened, and I can now reflect on that whole situation and take some good things from it....
1. I made an effort to try and get what I wanted...I didn't dwell on 'what if' and live inside of my head
2. I didn't freak out when he didn't reciprocate my feelings.
3. I accepted that nothing was to come of it, and after some time, I was able to move on.
4. I came to some realisations that helped me achieve number 3...

• Guys and girls cannot be close friends...or at the very least, I cannot be close friends with a member of the opposite gender...someone inevitably ends up feeling more than friendship and people get hurt
• I can be your best friend...but if a guy wants any part of me, he has to want every part of me
• Once you've crossed the boundary of friendship, and a relationship doesn't work out, you cannot go back to being friends. It just won't work. And even though this guy is amazing, and even though it would've been easy for me to slip back into the 'we're friends' bit, I would have been the one who has to struggle all the time...and so, I practically stopped communicating with him. No more texts, no more e-mails or facebook messages... If I were to see him anywhere, I would be very polite and pleasant, but it would end there, because I need to protect myself.
• Most importantly, things didn't work out as I wanted it to. But the next day, the sun came up and life went on...and so did I.

And even if I don't get to experience that kind of love in this lifetime, I know for sure my Jasper is waiting for me in the afterlife :))

be brave my friends

I dedicate today's post to all those people who seem to get their hearts broken quite a lot. I am definitely one of those people. But this year, I did something I am quite proud of, and something I believe which has been for me a step in the right direction.

Last year, I fell for someone. Someone who I've been friends with for like more than 10 years. He and I weren't really close, but we were good friends, and through the years I've always said that if I had to select any person to marry one day (provided I wasn't in love with someone else, of course) it would be him. He is a such a cool guy. A little quiet maybe, but that's not exactly a deal breaker and those who know me will be able to vouch for the fact that I talk enough for 10 people. But he is a darling, considerate, intelligent, funny, a good muslim (which is important for me), family oriented...the list is endless. But I am a firm believer in there having to be physical attraction between people for a marriage to be successful. I must admit, prior to Saturday 6 March 2010, I did not have this kind of attraction to this guy.
But that day, I greeted him, looked at him standing against the wall of a nursery in a hospital looking like he just got out of bed and felt my heart and stomach drop to my feet.

I tried to subtly let him know I was interested. Despite the fact that I have a big mouth, I'm very shy when it comes to dealing with men on that level. This went on for about 9 months or so and after I visited a friend of mine and told her about my predicament, she encouraged me to spell things out and let him know in idiot-proof terms that I was interested.

I did...and sadly, he did not feel the same way.

But, one thing I was really glad for was that I finally mustered up the courage to let a guy know that I was into him. Yes, it didn't turn out the way I would have liked, and I bled for a few months, but I'm more confident now and if there is someone that manages to capture my interest again, I won't hesitate to tell him that he did.

it's a holiday

YEAAHHH!!!!!!
I am on holiday for three weeks. No getting up at the crack of dawn to be in the office before the sun comes up (if it comes up), no running around school in the cold and rain for 3 whole weeks!

Three weeks of warm blankets, warm beverages, tv series and sleep.

Can you hear my sigh of contentment?

hot-blooded

I almost fell out of my desk chair here laughing at my friend Sirferaaz's comment on my last post.
Let me clear up a few things for all you guys out there...

Girls have "feelings" too. We are just as (if not more than) hot-blooded as you are.
We don't always talk about it because it gets frowned upon (but when men are open about it, no problem...I hope y'all can here the sarcasm dripping here), but make no mistake, the thoughts and fantasies are there :))))

robert pattinson

Three year ago, my dad had triple by-pass surgery.

We were lucky to have caught his heart problems before he had a heart attack, and his recovery was a long and arduous thing.

By the Friday after my birthday, I was so tired and just in need of a day out.

I went to visit a very good friend of mine, Zaheerah, and she was telling me that she and her cousins were planning on going to the movies that Sunday. I'm ashamed to admit that I invited myself along also, but in my defense, I was desperate to get out of the house for a few hours.

The movie we went to see was Twilight. I had never read the books prior to that (never knew about it in fact) but I wanted to watch it because it was about vampires, and I am quite a fan of the genre. I read Anne Rice and I love Bram Stoker's Dracula (the movie). So I was looking forward to the movie.

I was pleasantly surprised. I loved the story, and the following week, I went and bought the books and fell in love with the whole series.

But more than that, I fell madly in love with Robert Pattinson. I do realise now that it was more for his portrayal of Edward, but I was hooked. And if I have to be honest, looks wise he is not completely my type. I like guys who are bigger, a little more muscular. But suddenly he was exactly my cuppa tea.

After New Moon (the movie), my obsession started to simmer down. And by Eclipse I was (and still am) completely hot for Jasper (and by extension, Jackson Rathbone).

A few weeks ago I watched the first trailer for Breaking Dawn and I am really happy that the director kept in the scene where Edward breaks the headboard. Yesterday morning I watched Remember me.

And the thing that struck me watching both of those things is that Robert Pattinson has seriously sexy back muscles.

I almost fell off the chair during the intimate scenes.

addiction

I’ve come to the realisation that this week, in my highly emotional state, I need some reassurance.

Of what, you might ask? Well, nothing in particular and everything in general.

I need to be reassured that I am worthy of good things. I need to be reassured that I am a good person to be around. I need to be reassured of the fact that I am capable of making my own decisions. I need to be respected for the decisions that I make. I need attention.

Reading the above paragraph makes me feel like I’m being selfish. As a child, I was often reprimanded for being selfish. Now, as an adult woman of almost thirty, I look at other children and think to myself, “Isn’t selfishness an inherent quality of a child?” and it makes me think, was I really so bad. Most of them eventually grow out of it.

Whatever the case, there came a point in my life where I was convinced that I was the most selfish person ever created. And as a result, I now find myself at the point where I know for a fact that I am not, but that I in fact sometimes give too much of myself.

It is part of the very fabric of my being to give to people. I love making people happy. Putting a smile on someone’s face or in their heart is like crack to me. But, like all addictions, it comes with a price. The price I find myself paying for my addiction is that whenever I want to do anything for myself, I feel like that selfish 11 year old all over again.

My question (and please, if you’re reading this, any kind of input would be greatly appreciated): how the hell do I find the balance where I don’t have to change who I am, but stop feeling guilty for wanting and needing things also?

moody

My mood is really thunderous today.

And I don’t know why. My family assumes it’s because of where I was yesterday, but really, I would smack myself before I let that person upset me.

I don’t know if it’s PMS, or if it’s just a culmination of all the crappy things that went on the last few months or so...I just know that I need to be left alone now.

What annoyed me even more is that the one time I am moody and show it, it gets remarked on.

home

For the next two months, my mom, sister and I will be house-sitting our old house (we moved 6 months ago into the house my dad lives in-his now deceased first wife used to live there). My sister and her family now live here and as I've blogged about previously, they have gone to Tunisia for two months to visit my brother-in-law's family.

We came on Wednesday (it's Friday today) and that evening I was so tired, I just fell asleep really early.
Last night and this morning, I am confronted by this really unexpected and weird feeling...this house doesn't feel like it's mine anymore. Hopefully, this is a good thing for me, because it's been a bit of a struggle settling into the new house.
Which prompts the question: how do you define what your home is?

culture

I had quite a busy day today.
One of my nieces turned 13. Big milestone. And this particular niece is like my own child...she came home to us from the hospital, 4 days old, and has not left since. For the last few years, whenever one of the small kids in the family have a birthday, I get asked to bake (cupcakes and chocolate cake are my 2 specialties). Which I did last night. And this morning, Ayesha and I went to buy her "Step-up" sneakers and get stuff to make for lunch, which I also did after the shopping.

When I had just out my casserole into the oven, my friend came to pick me up. She had asked me on Monday to help her with her brother-in-law's engagement (this particular brother in law of hers I have a serious physical attraction to. He is an asshole of the first degree, arrogant and entitled as hell, so any sort of relationship with him is not exactly on a priority list of mine. But, if I were allowed to be naughty with him...damn, I would be).

But that's not the point of today's post. This person and his family are South Africans of Indian descent. When they have weddings, it is like this whole list of cultural things that 'need' to be observed.
My question is why?
I have seen families conform to cultural norms and practices, especially when it comes to marriage, and people have put themselves into major debt to keep up appearances with people in the community or family.
Fortunately for this family, that is not the case.

So why exactly do people cling so to unnecessary cultural practices?

maybe i'm just being too sensitive

I just came home.

Today started off a little down, but the big family lunch was great, and talking crap with my siblings always has a way of lifting my mood whenever it's in the doldrums.

After lunch was my cousin's wedding.
I was a bit iffed about a few things concerning this wedding...
1. We were notified about the fact that my cousin was getting married last week...like a week before it was supposed to happen. Like, why the hell was it treated like a state secret? Marriage is something to be celebrated, and you want as much well wishes and prayers for the success of you marriage, especially from your family members.
2. Because of the secret nature of this wedding, we weren't really involved in the preparation and so forth, and where I come from, with family, you help out as much as you can. In the case of my extended family on my dad's side, it's you help out when you're invited to.
3. Since my mom is wife number 2, my father's family have never made her feel welcome, so I hate it when she has to sit through these functions and be made to feel like an unwanted outsider.

You know, I'm really fond of this particular cousin of mine. Of all of my male relatives, he is the one that is accepting of us, he is affectionate towards my mom, he is super protective of my baby sis and myself, even more so than some of my brothers.
I just expected to hear of his good news from him.

home alone

I am alone at home this morning.

Today there seems to be a lot of things going on in my family...lunch today with all my siblings and all the grandchildren because one of my sisters is going with her husband and son to visit her in-laws in Tunisia (they’re leaving Wednesday); one of my cousins is getting married also, so after lunch we have to head over to the wedding. My dad is working this morning.

So I find myself quite by myself.

It was lovely this morning to be able to shower at a leisurely pace, to take the time to moisturize and do my nails, without someone calling me to do something.

But I’m actually finding it difficult to relax. I’ve been so busy for the last 18 months – if I look back, there wasn’t really time for me to just chill. I think I may have lost the ability to do that.

sometimes i put my foot in it

I am finally at home with a quiet moment to myself to post.

Yesterday, I had one of those days where my mouth operated without consulting my brain first.
I said something (in jest) to a colleague of mine and it turns out that my joke made that person feel really shit.
But for the first time, someone was adult enough to tell me that I had messed up. I felt terrible that I had caused this person hurt in some way, and I apologized profusely for my lack of sensitivity. But I was very thankful that this person felt okay enough to come up to me and say to me, "Mariam, what you said made me feel shit."
And what's more, that person gave me the opportunity to apologize and also accepted my apology.

Yeah, another classic Mariam moment.

Random useless fact: I dyed my mom's hair this morning and there was a little bit left in the bowl after I was done with her, so I put it on my hair (since mine is so short now). My hair now has a very Edward Cullen like tint to it...

This week has been one of those weeks where there has been a recurring theme in totally unrelated events. That theme this week was 'adults acting like children'. If was not at home, it was at school, or in a shopping mall, or on the phone.

thanks

I started this blog purely for myself...as a way for me to be overly excited about good things in my life, or bitch about the crappy things.

There are currently 2 people I know of that follow my ravings...to those two people I want to say that I am really flattered that you make the time to see what I have to say. It's a quality that I hope to have in my future husband one day, and the two of you...well, really, thanks.

And I am pleasantly surprised by the fact that my blog has had over 100 views. If it is only from Aneesa and Sirferaaz, well, thanks again guys-it's really nice to know that there are people who find me interesting (or at the very least, amusing).
And if my blog is viewed by people I don't know, well, I hope that some of my ravings inspire you all in some way.

Breaking Dawn Trailer

Ok, so I caved.

I told myself I wasn't going to watch it because I was going to torture myself for the next 5 months about it...but, I caved.
I have no words.
I almost had a damn seizure here in the office watching it.

People, my family in particular, have serious issues regarding my...ok, obsession, with the Twilight series...
In my defense, I love the books...reading is a favourite hobby of mine and Stephenie Meyer's style of writing appeals to me. She's my favourite author not just because of her writing style, but also because she's managed to combine all my favourite things into one beautiful story.
And I love the movies because of all the characters yes, and all the hot guys, yes, but more because it's bringing the story to life for me.

So yeah, I am kind of obsessed. But the rest of my life does not suffer because of it.

My colleague is chasing me away from the computer.

why be in a rush to grow up?

Today we had, yet again, another 'incident' at school involving a few learners and sexual misconduct.
The main learner in question is a 15 yr old boy (still in primary school because his parents took him out of school for a few years to do hifz).

When I was 15 years old, I was still playing sports in the road with the neighbouring kids,
Yes, I did know about the birds and the bees, and yes, I liked boys, but I never entertained ideas of doing anything of a sexual nature.

Why are kids in such a rush to be grown up? Life just gets a whole lot more complicated and stressful when you're an adult...

girl's day/night?

I had this...let's call it a discussion...with a friend of mine last week.
Well, he's not a friend really, he is the guy that owns the video shop here in the area and I always pop in by him to see what new things he has.

Anyways, he's married with 2 beautiful daughters and he has a really beautiful wife. What I admire most about him is that he really loves his family and he spends every free minute that he has with all of them.
We were talking about the fact that he doesn't like his wife to go out with her girlfriends from work because they catch on a lot of shit. Ok, I totally get that. But I think it's a good thing for married couples to also have a little bit of time away from each other.

I'm not married, so I cannot say for sure, but if I look at most couples that I know, there are times when they want to be with their friends and come out of their everyday normal routine just for a bit of a change of scenery and to relax away from the stresses at home.

I've always said that if I am fortunate enough to be married one day, I would like my husband to have his own friends still and would like him to allow me to have mine also. Is that a bad thing?

romance

Yesterday was Sunday...and I haven't spent a Sunday in such a relaxing way in a very long time.
I got up, cleaned my room, helped my mom with lunch, showered and ate lunch and after I had settled my mom in front of the TV with her Sudoku, tea and sweets, I went upstairs to my room and proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening watching all my series and movies updates.

So while I was watching this one movie, one of the characters in the movie asks the question, "What happened to romance?" And I've been asking myself the same question for a while now.
If I look at couples today, it saddens me to see how guys and girls have lost the art of romancing the person that they supposedly love.

I've only had one real experience with a boyfriend situation. I was in my final year at high school, and was 'dating' this guy. I put dating in quotes because I'm not allowed to date (my religion forbids it) but when you're 16 and a guy commits himself to you emotionally, you're together.
The guy I was with, well, he wasn't really handsome...in fact, if I think of my personal preferences when it comes to the physical attributes in guys, the only thing he did have that I liked was that he was taller than me and he smelled nice. But, he was absolutely romantic.
We were at the same school, but not in the same class, and for the year that we were together, I used to get hand-written letters (which i absolutely LOVE) almost everyday. I had a box that I kept his letters in and I still had the box for a while after we broke up - the box smelled like him until the day I decided to get rid of it, 5 years later. The things he used to tell me in those letters...every second letter I received from him had an extract from some romantic poem he'd read, or that he'd made up himself.
We had a fight once, and to say sorry, he gave me 3 handpicked garden roses - those ones that don't look as perfect as the greenhouse roses, but that smelled absolutely divine.

I think with the advance of technology, people have lost the ability to communicate with each other in person.
Girls today get excited by texts that they receive from guys (texts that have atrocious spelling and generic messages), by how expensive a gift is rather than by how much thought went into it...

It's actually really sad.
And definitely something I won't settle for.

writing

One of my colleagues gave me a little black journal before I left for my Umrah and Turkey trip. She said I must document all my experiences while on my travel and asked if she could read it when I got back.
Me being the open-hearted and obliging individual that I am, I said thank you and of course she could read it.
On Thursday past, it was Ascension Day, and most of the kids stayed home. So we had very little to do at work and I gave her the journal to read.

She finished it before the end of the school day, and told me after that I should keep a journal because I have very good writing skills. That has got to be the nicest compliment I've received in a long time because I have been trying to write for the past 8 months or so, and have been finding it extremely difficult.
But hearing that from her (she is a remedial teacher, so her opinion on my English skills is quite important) has given me some much needed inspiration.

So, thanks you Aysha Fridie :))

Hectic weeks coming up...we start exams this week so I have exams papers to photocopy for the entire school. I am really looking forward to the holidays...I feel like doing something really fun.

What I love about Teaching

I'm sitting in the office this morning, and one of the Grade 7 students comes in and asks me for a copy of his report card of last year. It turns out that he needs it for his application to high school for next year.
At the risk of sounding politically incorrect, the learner is black (Xhosa speaking, I mean) and I ask him, just out of curiosity, why they don't apply to schools that teach in their mother tongue. It is my experience that the kids we have here who don't have English as their first language really struggle to learn in English.
Anyways, so he tells me that many of our Xhosa speaking parents want their kids to go to English medium schools. And that the only reason they send their kids to Xhosa medium schools is because those schools are free. I didn't know that.

That's what I love about working in education. Every day is a learning experience for the teacher. If they choose to see it that way. 'Coz you get some teachers who have fooled themselves into thinking that they cannot be taught anything anymore, especially not by the ones they are supposed to teach.

miscommunication

It amazes me how we can misinterpret or misread one another.

One thing that I have tried to hone and implement in my own life is the ability to communicate effectively with people. Communication has not really been a problem for me...I tend to say whatever is on my mind. What has been a problem is the way I say things...I tend to say whatever is on my mind without thinking. And so it has been a conscious struggle – a struggle that I manage with quite fine 95% of the time. I am human, and I do slip up now and again (like my epic meltdown last week), but for the most part, I am glad that it is something that I am consciously aware of and try always to control it.

I think that there are two essential skills that you need to acquire so that you may be able to communicate effectively.

One, obviously, is that you need to be able to articulate what you want to say. With the invention of cell phones and the internet, I dare say people are losing the ability to talk to one another properly.

The second thing, and what is in my estimation more important than number 1, is having the ability to listen. How many times to we talk to each other, practically shout one another’s ear drums broken, but do we really listen to what the other person is saying?? So many times, I have said the wrong thing because I wasn’t listening to what the other person was actually trying to tell me. So many times I’ve been verbally abused because the other person didn’t bother to listen to what I was saying.

Miscommunication can be avoided if we take the time to listen...and if we pause to reflect.

answers would be nice...

What do you do when someone you really love is really low...and even though you try your hardest to make life a little bearable for them, it feels like you're not actually doing much?

How do you keep from screaming at people who ask for your advice but don't take heed of it and end up making your life more difficult?

How does one take a compliment without seeming really needy of it or seeming really full of 'it'?

I'd love for someone to be concerned for me.
I feel right now like I need to be the center of someone's world...instead of trying to make people feel like they are the center of mine...most of the time they just take me for granted anyways...
Let me go decorate my cake and cut myself a big slice...

post-audit

I think Kahmilla and I need a helluva pick me up after yesterday's audit.
It's technically not part of my job description, but I am here to help out in the office when it's needed or when one of the secretaries are off (as Mariam was this past week with her wisdom teeth removal).

Wow. It was hectic here yesterday!
I was feeling so junk after the whole day's running around, when my sister came to fetch me at work, I told her to drive me straight to the ice-cream parlour (ice-cream is the only thing that soothes me when I feel like that).

Now, I need to do something really physical to get rid of the lingering frustrations.

sprint

My work day feels like it was a sprint today. I don't think I managed to sit down prior to this moment since this morning 6:55 when I got out of the car.

Tomorrow is our audit, so naturally we are all quite on edge and busy organising things here in the office...a task made a little more difficult due to the fact that our secretary is on sick leave till Wednesday.
Still, the mood is at a high point here because of the success of the variety show. I hope that will get everyone's asses into gear for our concert in September.

escape...

Today is one of those days where I wish I was somewhere else...preferably alone.

One way in which I can best achieve my escape is through my novels. I love reading. And I especially love reading romance novels.

There are a lot of things that irritate and enrage me, but one thing that seems to do both is when people who live with each other don’t communicate with each other.

I have to admit, it is something that I myself have struggled with. But to live is to progress, even though it may be in baby steps. I’m glad that to a very large degree, I have managed to overcome my struggle. It helps no one to keep things bottled.

For the last few years though, I feel as if I’m being used by my family as a go-between. I’m rather tired of it. I was sitting now doing some work I brought home, but I just don’t feel like doing it because the atmosphere in this house is getting me down. And some of the people in it may think that they are not responsible for it, but they are only kidding themselves.

It’s very difficult for me to understand that most people are not naturally happy and upbeat.

My exuberance has always been something of a trial for my family members, but it’s something now that often helps to ease a tense situation, and I’m not apologising for it anymore.

But right now I wish I was somewhere else.

I’m need to pray Eshaa and after I’ve prayed, pack my bags for tomorrow, and curl up in my bed with my escape...

movies

I like this colour!


I finally made it to the cinema 3 days ago. My dad told us 3 weeks ago that my sister and I have to cook on a Sunday so that we can give my mom a break. Not a problem-I like being in the kitchen.
So after we made lunch, we got in the car and went to watch Thor.
Very nice movie...lots of action, hot guys to look at, little bit of romance (not enough in my opinion)...I really enjoyed it. But my sister had some issues. She doesn't like the whole watching in 3D (neither do I, come to think of it-3D freaks the hell out of me).


And so I asked some people who have also watched whether they liked the movie or not. And I got answers like, "the CGI looks too fake" "the story is not realistic".
When people say that, it always makes me wonder why they watch movies in the first place.
Movies, are supposed to be for entertainment. For relaxation. To break away from the stress of real life and lose yourself in something completely unrealistic. Why do people think that "good" movies are the ones that are the most realistic...who decided that?

Family

There is one thing on earth that can bring a person the greatest joy they will ever be able to experience, and that can stress one to the point of breaking.

Family.

I have quite an unusual family situation. I come from a polygamous marriage and as a result, I have had to deal with four extended families and have many siblings. For those of you reading this and thinking, “What the f*&!?” – I am Muslim and polygamy is allowed in my religion.

It is way to tedious to explain but the gist of it is 4 parents and 12 children...11 now, since one of my brothers passed on 10 years ago.

Naturally, when a man finds himself with more than one wife, he has to split his time equally between them and growing up, we did not have the luxury of having a “full-time” dad, as he had to spend time with his other wife and children also.

I find myself presently living with both of my parents for the first time, as our other mom passed away in 2009. Growing up, we did not always see our father, but my mother enforced his rules and made his presence felt, even when he was not there. But I have to say, living with him all the time is different. Before, he used to come to us when it was our days in the evenings after work, and sometimes he would spend time with us, but a lot of the time he was tired from work, and usually went to bed early. It wasn’t a normal arrangement by society’s standards, but it was normal to us. It didn’t allow my father to really get to know us though.

Now that we’re in each others’ faces all the time, it’s definitely taking some getting used to.

To say that my father is a slightly difficult person would be me understating things a bit. He likes certain things, he likes them a certain way. He is a very generous and huge-hearted person, but is forgetful about everyday mundane things. And he works wayyyy too hard for someone who really does not need to work at his pace, and who is beyond the age of retirement already. One thing that I don’t think I will ever get used to is that he can hold a grudge for an amazingly long length of time...he once did not speak to me for a few months because I had cut my hair (he likes long hair and when I was younger, I was never allowed to cut it. Needless to say, when I turned 18, I just didn’t care). And when he’s pissed at someone, he doesn’t talk at all.

But, as I am the child, and still living under his roof (and by extension, his rules) I take the mood swings. What I am starting to worry about is how much I can take before I resent it.

Parents become like children as they grow older...not because they need to be taken care of physically, but more because they become demanding emotionally. My mom gets very worked up if we don’t spend time with her, even if it’s just by sitting and watching TV with her. My dad is always scolding us about the fact that we don’t spend enough time with him.

But as I said, I take it. Because not too long ago, we were more demanding of them in that way.

And nothing will ever repay what your parents do for you. One minute they can annoy you to the point where you want to jump out of the window, and the next minute, they’re taking you to a lawyer’s office and making you sign the deed to a house they bought for you...for no reason at all.

My folks drive me crazy a lot of the time, but I wouldn’t trade mine for anything in the whole world.

My siblings are quite the same as my folks...they can drive me up the wall but are always there for me, whether it is to listen to me moan, comfort me when I have bad news or make a huge deal when I have good news. And there are 11 of us...and we’re all different, no two personalities exactly alike, so there are always fireworks.

I can tell some of my siblings everything...and with the others, I have to suppress my natural exuberance a bit. I can hug and kiss some of my brothers and sisters, but with the others, I don’t have that kind of relationship. Some of them get my really gross and weird sense of humour...some of them find it really offensive.

So yeah, always some kind of firework.

But I know, if I am in the biggest shit of my life, I have a squad behind me to dig me out and wash the shit off.

Why an alien?

Before I answer the above question, let me first thank my good friend, Aneesa, for introducing me to blogging.
She started a blog this year, and I think this morning, I was the first one to read it. One thing that I absolutely loved about her four posts, is that it sounds exactly like her (reading it, I could hear her say all those things to me in person). We all need to vent, and although I tell her that I don't mind, she feels that she burdens me when she vents to me. I am happy that there is another way for her to get things off her chest, whether it be anger with a lecturer or a family member, or whether it be to share some really exciting news (something I hope she will use it for as well).

Thanks babe! Now I have a forum to bitch as well!

Why an alien?
Well, I am a Muslim woman, in a world that is generally unfriendly towards people who follow my religion. Aside from that, I am a person with ideals and values that many people regard as old-fashioned or weird (I get that a lot). I'm not a person who chases material things. I'm not someone who feels the need to have an illustrious career. I'm not a woman who feels that I have to compete with men, or feels that I have to prove myself to them.

So a lot of the time, I do feel like I don't quite belong in today's world.