I’ve come to the realisation that this week, in my highly emotional state, I need some reassurance.
Of what, you might ask? Well, nothing in particular and everything in general.
I need to be reassured that I am worthy of good things. I need to be reassured that I am a good person to be around. I need to be reassured of the fact that I am capable of making my own decisions. I need to be respected for the decisions that I make. I need attention.
Reading the above paragraph makes me feel like I’m being selfish. As a child, I was often reprimanded for being selfish. Now, as an adult woman of almost thirty, I look at other children and think to myself, “Isn’t selfishness an inherent quality of a child?” and it makes me think, was I really so bad. Most of them eventually grow out of it.
Whatever the case, there came a point in my life where I was convinced that I was the most selfish person ever created. And as a result, I now find myself at the point where I know for a fact that I am not, but that I in fact sometimes give too much of myself.
It is part of the very fabric of my being to give to people. I love making people happy. Putting a smile on someone’s face or in their heart is like crack to me. But, like all addictions, it comes with a price. The price I find myself paying for my addiction is that whenever I want to do anything for myself, I feel like that selfish 11 year old all over again.
My question (and please, if you’re reading this, any kind of input would be greatly appreciated): how the hell do I find the balance where I don’t have to change who I am, but stop feeling guilty for wanting and needing things also?
When you realize that the very people who reprimanded you feel the same way you do now. I don't mean it in a bad at all, but we're human and these feelings are natural. Some of us may not like spotlight attention, but that doesn't mean we don't need any attention.
ReplyDeleteYou are good at what you do, you just need to see it for yourself, you don't need anyone's approval!
It's human nature to want to be acknowledged and appreciated. Especially by those we hold dear to us.
ReplyDeleteFor me, its got nothing to do with being selfish, but merely knowing that the people you care about, reciprocate that affection.
While I'm certainly not saying that I only do things for so that I'll get something in return, a sign of appreciation does go a very long way to making it all worthwhile.
With family, its kind of a given. You love each other unquestioningly no matter what. With friends, we show it by being there for each other when needed.
Unfortunately, I'm a bit too giving sometimes. I've learnt the hard way, often enough, that that just isn't going to make one happy. If you speak up, let people know what you need, the ones worth having around will stick with you no matter what.
I get what you're saying sirf.
ReplyDeleteMy problem is not with friends. I've cut a lot of people out of my life who don't appreciate me for who I am and who are of no benefit to me as a person.
My problem is that I feel undervalued sometimes by some of my family members...and as you know, that's when it stings the most...