courage

For the last few weeks I've been around couples and love.
Fighting couples, loving couples, newly-wed couples, old married couples, secret love, unrequited love...
and it has to be said, my love life has consisted mainly of the last two types.

But I did one thing this year that I'm quite proud of.

You see, as big as my mouth is (and it's big), I am a big wuss when it comes to letting someone know how I feel about them.
Then last year, I fell for someone...someone who is unlike any other guy I know. This guy is kind and considerate, doesn't have a malicious bone in his body, intelligent but not arrogant, a little quiet, but I don't actually mind that. Everything you could hope for when considering someone for marriage. But I've always maintained that there has to be an attraction between people on a more basic level for them to even consider marriage...and since I've known this guy for more than 10 years, well, I didn't really have that kind of attraction to him at all...

Until last year.

Unfortunately, he did not reciprocate my feelings. It stung for a while, more than I initially thought it would. I don't think even I realised just how much I liked him.

But after a while, the sting lessened, and I can now reflect on that whole situation and take some good things from it....
1. I made an effort to try and get what I wanted...I didn't dwell on 'what if' and live inside of my head
2. I didn't freak out when he didn't reciprocate my feelings.
3. I accepted that nothing was to come of it, and after some time, I was able to move on.
4. I came to some realisations that helped me achieve number 3...

• Guys and girls cannot be close friends...or at the very least, I cannot be close friends with a member of the opposite gender...someone inevitably ends up feeling more than friendship and people get hurt
• I can be your best friend...but if a guy wants any part of me, he has to want every part of me
• Once you've crossed the boundary of friendship, and a relationship doesn't work out, you cannot go back to being friends. It just won't work. And even though this guy is amazing, and even though it would've been easy for me to slip back into the 'we're friends' bit, I would have been the one who has to struggle all the time...and so, I practically stopped communicating with him. No more texts, no more e-mails or facebook messages... If I were to see him anywhere, I would be very polite and pleasant, but it would end there, because I need to protect myself.
• Most importantly, things didn't work out as I wanted it to. But the next day, the sun came up and life went on...and so did I.

And even if I don't get to experience that kind of love in this lifetime, I know for sure my Jasper is waiting for me in the afterlife :))

be brave my friends

I dedicate today's post to all those people who seem to get their hearts broken quite a lot. I am definitely one of those people. But this year, I did something I am quite proud of, and something I believe which has been for me a step in the right direction.

Last year, I fell for someone. Someone who I've been friends with for like more than 10 years. He and I weren't really close, but we were good friends, and through the years I've always said that if I had to select any person to marry one day (provided I wasn't in love with someone else, of course) it would be him. He is a such a cool guy. A little quiet maybe, but that's not exactly a deal breaker and those who know me will be able to vouch for the fact that I talk enough for 10 people. But he is a darling, considerate, intelligent, funny, a good muslim (which is important for me), family oriented...the list is endless. But I am a firm believer in there having to be physical attraction between people for a marriage to be successful. I must admit, prior to Saturday 6 March 2010, I did not have this kind of attraction to this guy.
But that day, I greeted him, looked at him standing against the wall of a nursery in a hospital looking like he just got out of bed and felt my heart and stomach drop to my feet.

I tried to subtly let him know I was interested. Despite the fact that I have a big mouth, I'm very shy when it comes to dealing with men on that level. This went on for about 9 months or so and after I visited a friend of mine and told her about my predicament, she encouraged me to spell things out and let him know in idiot-proof terms that I was interested.

I did...and sadly, he did not feel the same way.

But, one thing I was really glad for was that I finally mustered up the courage to let a guy know that I was into him. Yes, it didn't turn out the way I would have liked, and I bled for a few months, but I'm more confident now and if there is someone that manages to capture my interest again, I won't hesitate to tell him that he did.

it's a holiday

YEAAHHH!!!!!!
I am on holiday for three weeks. No getting up at the crack of dawn to be in the office before the sun comes up (if it comes up), no running around school in the cold and rain for 3 whole weeks!

Three weeks of warm blankets, warm beverages, tv series and sleep.

Can you hear my sigh of contentment?

hot-blooded

I almost fell out of my desk chair here laughing at my friend Sirferaaz's comment on my last post.
Let me clear up a few things for all you guys out there...

Girls have "feelings" too. We are just as (if not more than) hot-blooded as you are.
We don't always talk about it because it gets frowned upon (but when men are open about it, no problem...I hope y'all can here the sarcasm dripping here), but make no mistake, the thoughts and fantasies are there :))))

robert pattinson

Three year ago, my dad had triple by-pass surgery.

We were lucky to have caught his heart problems before he had a heart attack, and his recovery was a long and arduous thing.

By the Friday after my birthday, I was so tired and just in need of a day out.

I went to visit a very good friend of mine, Zaheerah, and she was telling me that she and her cousins were planning on going to the movies that Sunday. I'm ashamed to admit that I invited myself along also, but in my defense, I was desperate to get out of the house for a few hours.

The movie we went to see was Twilight. I had never read the books prior to that (never knew about it in fact) but I wanted to watch it because it was about vampires, and I am quite a fan of the genre. I read Anne Rice and I love Bram Stoker's Dracula (the movie). So I was looking forward to the movie.

I was pleasantly surprised. I loved the story, and the following week, I went and bought the books and fell in love with the whole series.

But more than that, I fell madly in love with Robert Pattinson. I do realise now that it was more for his portrayal of Edward, but I was hooked. And if I have to be honest, looks wise he is not completely my type. I like guys who are bigger, a little more muscular. But suddenly he was exactly my cuppa tea.

After New Moon (the movie), my obsession started to simmer down. And by Eclipse I was (and still am) completely hot for Jasper (and by extension, Jackson Rathbone).

A few weeks ago I watched the first trailer for Breaking Dawn and I am really happy that the director kept in the scene where Edward breaks the headboard. Yesterday morning I watched Remember me.

And the thing that struck me watching both of those things is that Robert Pattinson has seriously sexy back muscles.

I almost fell off the chair during the intimate scenes.

addiction

I’ve come to the realisation that this week, in my highly emotional state, I need some reassurance.

Of what, you might ask? Well, nothing in particular and everything in general.

I need to be reassured that I am worthy of good things. I need to be reassured that I am a good person to be around. I need to be reassured of the fact that I am capable of making my own decisions. I need to be respected for the decisions that I make. I need attention.

Reading the above paragraph makes me feel like I’m being selfish. As a child, I was often reprimanded for being selfish. Now, as an adult woman of almost thirty, I look at other children and think to myself, “Isn’t selfishness an inherent quality of a child?” and it makes me think, was I really so bad. Most of them eventually grow out of it.

Whatever the case, there came a point in my life where I was convinced that I was the most selfish person ever created. And as a result, I now find myself at the point where I know for a fact that I am not, but that I in fact sometimes give too much of myself.

It is part of the very fabric of my being to give to people. I love making people happy. Putting a smile on someone’s face or in their heart is like crack to me. But, like all addictions, it comes with a price. The price I find myself paying for my addiction is that whenever I want to do anything for myself, I feel like that selfish 11 year old all over again.

My question (and please, if you’re reading this, any kind of input would be greatly appreciated): how the hell do I find the balance where I don’t have to change who I am, but stop feeling guilty for wanting and needing things also?

moody

My mood is really thunderous today.

And I don’t know why. My family assumes it’s because of where I was yesterday, but really, I would smack myself before I let that person upset me.

I don’t know if it’s PMS, or if it’s just a culmination of all the crappy things that went on the last few months or so...I just know that I need to be left alone now.

What annoyed me even more is that the one time I am moody and show it, it gets remarked on.

home

For the next two months, my mom, sister and I will be house-sitting our old house (we moved 6 months ago into the house my dad lives in-his now deceased first wife used to live there). My sister and her family now live here and as I've blogged about previously, they have gone to Tunisia for two months to visit my brother-in-law's family.

We came on Wednesday (it's Friday today) and that evening I was so tired, I just fell asleep really early.
Last night and this morning, I am confronted by this really unexpected and weird feeling...this house doesn't feel like it's mine anymore. Hopefully, this is a good thing for me, because it's been a bit of a struggle settling into the new house.
Which prompts the question: how do you define what your home is?

culture

I had quite a busy day today.
One of my nieces turned 13. Big milestone. And this particular niece is like my own child...she came home to us from the hospital, 4 days old, and has not left since. For the last few years, whenever one of the small kids in the family have a birthday, I get asked to bake (cupcakes and chocolate cake are my 2 specialties). Which I did last night. And this morning, Ayesha and I went to buy her "Step-up" sneakers and get stuff to make for lunch, which I also did after the shopping.

When I had just out my casserole into the oven, my friend came to pick me up. She had asked me on Monday to help her with her brother-in-law's engagement (this particular brother in law of hers I have a serious physical attraction to. He is an asshole of the first degree, arrogant and entitled as hell, so any sort of relationship with him is not exactly on a priority list of mine. But, if I were allowed to be naughty with him...damn, I would be).

But that's not the point of today's post. This person and his family are South Africans of Indian descent. When they have weddings, it is like this whole list of cultural things that 'need' to be observed.
My question is why?
I have seen families conform to cultural norms and practices, especially when it comes to marriage, and people have put themselves into major debt to keep up appearances with people in the community or family.
Fortunately for this family, that is not the case.

So why exactly do people cling so to unnecessary cultural practices?

maybe i'm just being too sensitive

I just came home.

Today started off a little down, but the big family lunch was great, and talking crap with my siblings always has a way of lifting my mood whenever it's in the doldrums.

After lunch was my cousin's wedding.
I was a bit iffed about a few things concerning this wedding...
1. We were notified about the fact that my cousin was getting married last week...like a week before it was supposed to happen. Like, why the hell was it treated like a state secret? Marriage is something to be celebrated, and you want as much well wishes and prayers for the success of you marriage, especially from your family members.
2. Because of the secret nature of this wedding, we weren't really involved in the preparation and so forth, and where I come from, with family, you help out as much as you can. In the case of my extended family on my dad's side, it's you help out when you're invited to.
3. Since my mom is wife number 2, my father's family have never made her feel welcome, so I hate it when she has to sit through these functions and be made to feel like an unwanted outsider.

You know, I'm really fond of this particular cousin of mine. Of all of my male relatives, he is the one that is accepting of us, he is affectionate towards my mom, he is super protective of my baby sis and myself, even more so than some of my brothers.
I just expected to hear of his good news from him.

home alone

I am alone at home this morning.

Today there seems to be a lot of things going on in my family...lunch today with all my siblings and all the grandchildren because one of my sisters is going with her husband and son to visit her in-laws in Tunisia (they’re leaving Wednesday); one of my cousins is getting married also, so after lunch we have to head over to the wedding. My dad is working this morning.

So I find myself quite by myself.

It was lovely this morning to be able to shower at a leisurely pace, to take the time to moisturize and do my nails, without someone calling me to do something.

But I’m actually finding it difficult to relax. I’ve been so busy for the last 18 months – if I look back, there wasn’t really time for me to just chill. I think I may have lost the ability to do that.

sometimes i put my foot in it

I am finally at home with a quiet moment to myself to post.

Yesterday, I had one of those days where my mouth operated without consulting my brain first.
I said something (in jest) to a colleague of mine and it turns out that my joke made that person feel really shit.
But for the first time, someone was adult enough to tell me that I had messed up. I felt terrible that I had caused this person hurt in some way, and I apologized profusely for my lack of sensitivity. But I was very thankful that this person felt okay enough to come up to me and say to me, "Mariam, what you said made me feel shit."
And what's more, that person gave me the opportunity to apologize and also accepted my apology.

Yeah, another classic Mariam moment.

Random useless fact: I dyed my mom's hair this morning and there was a little bit left in the bowl after I was done with her, so I put it on my hair (since mine is so short now). My hair now has a very Edward Cullen like tint to it...

This week has been one of those weeks where there has been a recurring theme in totally unrelated events. That theme this week was 'adults acting like children'. If was not at home, it was at school, or in a shopping mall, or on the phone.

thanks

I started this blog purely for myself...as a way for me to be overly excited about good things in my life, or bitch about the crappy things.

There are currently 2 people I know of that follow my ravings...to those two people I want to say that I am really flattered that you make the time to see what I have to say. It's a quality that I hope to have in my future husband one day, and the two of you...well, really, thanks.

And I am pleasantly surprised by the fact that my blog has had over 100 views. If it is only from Aneesa and Sirferaaz, well, thanks again guys-it's really nice to know that there are people who find me interesting (or at the very least, amusing).
And if my blog is viewed by people I don't know, well, I hope that some of my ravings inspire you all in some way.

Breaking Dawn Trailer

Ok, so I caved.

I told myself I wasn't going to watch it because I was going to torture myself for the next 5 months about it...but, I caved.
I have no words.
I almost had a damn seizure here in the office watching it.

People, my family in particular, have serious issues regarding my...ok, obsession, with the Twilight series...
In my defense, I love the books...reading is a favourite hobby of mine and Stephenie Meyer's style of writing appeals to me. She's my favourite author not just because of her writing style, but also because she's managed to combine all my favourite things into one beautiful story.
And I love the movies because of all the characters yes, and all the hot guys, yes, but more because it's bringing the story to life for me.

So yeah, I am kind of obsessed. But the rest of my life does not suffer because of it.

My colleague is chasing me away from the computer.

why be in a rush to grow up?

Today we had, yet again, another 'incident' at school involving a few learners and sexual misconduct.
The main learner in question is a 15 yr old boy (still in primary school because his parents took him out of school for a few years to do hifz).

When I was 15 years old, I was still playing sports in the road with the neighbouring kids,
Yes, I did know about the birds and the bees, and yes, I liked boys, but I never entertained ideas of doing anything of a sexual nature.

Why are kids in such a rush to be grown up? Life just gets a whole lot more complicated and stressful when you're an adult...

girl's day/night?

I had this...let's call it a discussion...with a friend of mine last week.
Well, he's not a friend really, he is the guy that owns the video shop here in the area and I always pop in by him to see what new things he has.

Anyways, he's married with 2 beautiful daughters and he has a really beautiful wife. What I admire most about him is that he really loves his family and he spends every free minute that he has with all of them.
We were talking about the fact that he doesn't like his wife to go out with her girlfriends from work because they catch on a lot of shit. Ok, I totally get that. But I think it's a good thing for married couples to also have a little bit of time away from each other.

I'm not married, so I cannot say for sure, but if I look at most couples that I know, there are times when they want to be with their friends and come out of their everyday normal routine just for a bit of a change of scenery and to relax away from the stresses at home.

I've always said that if I am fortunate enough to be married one day, I would like my husband to have his own friends still and would like him to allow me to have mine also. Is that a bad thing?

romance

Yesterday was Sunday...and I haven't spent a Sunday in such a relaxing way in a very long time.
I got up, cleaned my room, helped my mom with lunch, showered and ate lunch and after I had settled my mom in front of the TV with her Sudoku, tea and sweets, I went upstairs to my room and proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening watching all my series and movies updates.

So while I was watching this one movie, one of the characters in the movie asks the question, "What happened to romance?" And I've been asking myself the same question for a while now.
If I look at couples today, it saddens me to see how guys and girls have lost the art of romancing the person that they supposedly love.

I've only had one real experience with a boyfriend situation. I was in my final year at high school, and was 'dating' this guy. I put dating in quotes because I'm not allowed to date (my religion forbids it) but when you're 16 and a guy commits himself to you emotionally, you're together.
The guy I was with, well, he wasn't really handsome...in fact, if I think of my personal preferences when it comes to the physical attributes in guys, the only thing he did have that I liked was that he was taller than me and he smelled nice. But, he was absolutely romantic.
We were at the same school, but not in the same class, and for the year that we were together, I used to get hand-written letters (which i absolutely LOVE) almost everyday. I had a box that I kept his letters in and I still had the box for a while after we broke up - the box smelled like him until the day I decided to get rid of it, 5 years later. The things he used to tell me in those letters...every second letter I received from him had an extract from some romantic poem he'd read, or that he'd made up himself.
We had a fight once, and to say sorry, he gave me 3 handpicked garden roses - those ones that don't look as perfect as the greenhouse roses, but that smelled absolutely divine.

I think with the advance of technology, people have lost the ability to communicate with each other in person.
Girls today get excited by texts that they receive from guys (texts that have atrocious spelling and generic messages), by how expensive a gift is rather than by how much thought went into it...

It's actually really sad.
And definitely something I won't settle for.

writing

One of my colleagues gave me a little black journal before I left for my Umrah and Turkey trip. She said I must document all my experiences while on my travel and asked if she could read it when I got back.
Me being the open-hearted and obliging individual that I am, I said thank you and of course she could read it.
On Thursday past, it was Ascension Day, and most of the kids stayed home. So we had very little to do at work and I gave her the journal to read.

She finished it before the end of the school day, and told me after that I should keep a journal because I have very good writing skills. That has got to be the nicest compliment I've received in a long time because I have been trying to write for the past 8 months or so, and have been finding it extremely difficult.
But hearing that from her (she is a remedial teacher, so her opinion on my English skills is quite important) has given me some much needed inspiration.

So, thanks you Aysha Fridie :))

Hectic weeks coming up...we start exams this week so I have exams papers to photocopy for the entire school. I am really looking forward to the holidays...I feel like doing something really fun.

What I love about Teaching

I'm sitting in the office this morning, and one of the Grade 7 students comes in and asks me for a copy of his report card of last year. It turns out that he needs it for his application to high school for next year.
At the risk of sounding politically incorrect, the learner is black (Xhosa speaking, I mean) and I ask him, just out of curiosity, why they don't apply to schools that teach in their mother tongue. It is my experience that the kids we have here who don't have English as their first language really struggle to learn in English.
Anyways, so he tells me that many of our Xhosa speaking parents want their kids to go to English medium schools. And that the only reason they send their kids to Xhosa medium schools is because those schools are free. I didn't know that.

That's what I love about working in education. Every day is a learning experience for the teacher. If they choose to see it that way. 'Coz you get some teachers who have fooled themselves into thinking that they cannot be taught anything anymore, especially not by the ones they are supposed to teach.

miscommunication

It amazes me how we can misinterpret or misread one another.

One thing that I have tried to hone and implement in my own life is the ability to communicate effectively with people. Communication has not really been a problem for me...I tend to say whatever is on my mind. What has been a problem is the way I say things...I tend to say whatever is on my mind without thinking. And so it has been a conscious struggle – a struggle that I manage with quite fine 95% of the time. I am human, and I do slip up now and again (like my epic meltdown last week), but for the most part, I am glad that it is something that I am consciously aware of and try always to control it.

I think that there are two essential skills that you need to acquire so that you may be able to communicate effectively.

One, obviously, is that you need to be able to articulate what you want to say. With the invention of cell phones and the internet, I dare say people are losing the ability to talk to one another properly.

The second thing, and what is in my estimation more important than number 1, is having the ability to listen. How many times to we talk to each other, practically shout one another’s ear drums broken, but do we really listen to what the other person is saying?? So many times, I have said the wrong thing because I wasn’t listening to what the other person was actually trying to tell me. So many times I’ve been verbally abused because the other person didn’t bother to listen to what I was saying.

Miscommunication can be avoided if we take the time to listen...and if we pause to reflect.

answers would be nice...

What do you do when someone you really love is really low...and even though you try your hardest to make life a little bearable for them, it feels like you're not actually doing much?

How do you keep from screaming at people who ask for your advice but don't take heed of it and end up making your life more difficult?

How does one take a compliment without seeming really needy of it or seeming really full of 'it'?

I'd love for someone to be concerned for me.
I feel right now like I need to be the center of someone's world...instead of trying to make people feel like they are the center of mine...most of the time they just take me for granted anyways...
Let me go decorate my cake and cut myself a big slice...

post-audit

I think Kahmilla and I need a helluva pick me up after yesterday's audit.
It's technically not part of my job description, but I am here to help out in the office when it's needed or when one of the secretaries are off (as Mariam was this past week with her wisdom teeth removal).

Wow. It was hectic here yesterday!
I was feeling so junk after the whole day's running around, when my sister came to fetch me at work, I told her to drive me straight to the ice-cream parlour (ice-cream is the only thing that soothes me when I feel like that).

Now, I need to do something really physical to get rid of the lingering frustrations.