I’ve come to the realisation that this week, in my highly emotional state, I need some reassurance.
Of what, you might ask? Well, nothing in particular and everything in general.
I need to be reassured that I am worthy of good things. I need to be reassured that I am a good person to be around. I need to be reassured of the fact that I am capable of making my own decisions. I need to be respected for the decisions that I make. I need attention.
Reading the above paragraph makes me feel like I’m being selfish. As a child, I was often reprimanded for being selfish. Now, as an adult woman of almost thirty, I look at other children and think to myself, “Isn’t selfishness an inherent quality of a child?” and it makes me think, was I really so bad. Most of them eventually grow out of it.
Whatever the case, there came a point in my life where I was convinced that I was the most selfish person ever created. And as a result, I now find myself at the point where I know for a fact that I am not, but that I in fact sometimes give too much of myself.
It is part of the very fabric of my being to give to people. I love making people happy. Putting a smile on someone’s face or in their heart is like crack to me. But, like all addictions, it comes with a price. The price I find myself paying for my addiction is that whenever I want to do anything for myself, I feel like that selfish 11 year old all over again.
My question (and please, if you’re reading this, any kind of input would be greatly appreciated): how the hell do I find the balance where I don’t have to change who I am, but stop feeling guilty for wanting and needing things also?
