A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Emotional Security

As far as embarrassing stories go, there is one my mother loves to tell about me, one we’ve heard so many times I’ve lost count.

When I was about three years old, I apparently had this habit of walking around – I used to randomly visit the neighbours, and sometimes the people we knew who lived in the next road.

One evening, it was way after sunset, and my family couldn’t find me. My brother and sisters had checked all of my usual haunts (yes, I had these at three) and at all of the neighbouring homes, and still no one could find me. It was raining that evening, and when my mom checked, my raincoat was gone too.

After a while, I came waltzing in the door, and my mom started scolding. Even after explaining that I was at the new neighbour’s house (one they did not check), I got the spanking of my life and was told I could go to bed without supper.

My family was sitting in the living room watching TV and after a few minutes, I walked in with a plate of food I’d dished myself (from the pot on the stove – my mom had made my favourite that evening), and when they looked again, my brother burst out laughing because I’d fallen fast asleep on the coffee table, my empty plate next to me.

As embarrassing as it sometimes is for me to hear (particularly in front of strangers) I love this story because it shows two aspects of the personality I now have as an adult.

Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I’m a doer – I get shit done, and many times on my own, and from this memory I can see that I exhibited signs of self-sufficiency and independence from a very early age.

The second aspect I only realised today, and once I did, certain things in my life made sense – more specifically, my reactions to certain things. There were three instances in my life where I felt like I couldn’t handle the situation, like I wanted to crawl under the blanket and stay there indefinitely, and today I could put into words the thing that linked those three instances – lack of emotional security.

I’ve come to realise a few things:

Firstly, there are certain people in your life who have a direct effect on your emotional security; Secondly, when that emotional security becomes unstable or is ripped away, it feels worse than any physical injury (to me, at least);

And thirdly, sometimes the people you love the most make you feel very insecure.

Today I owned up to a truth I was avoiding for a long time – I need emotional security, and I need it from those that I love and who claim to love me. And for the first time, I can say this to myself and realise that it is not a weakness. It is me embracing who I am.

My three year old self fell peacefully asleep because she knew, on a subconscious level, even after a scolding and a spanking that she was in a secure environment.

I need a hug, or a kiss, or an “I miss you” text, or a “How did you wake up this morning” phone call. I need physical gestures of concern and love, because that is how I know that I am important to people, and that in turn gives me emotional security.

And now that I have acknowledged this need within myself, the next step is to be able to share this revelation with the people on whom my emotional security currently depends…and to brace myself for the possibility that they may no longer want to be the source of that security for me.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Kindness

The principal of my school conducts a ten minute briefing every morning before the siren sounds the beginning of the school day. A few years ago he said to me that the reason for this is to greet the entire staff, as well as set the tone for the day. Usually, only he or the Deputy will conduct these briefings, but this term, in the spirit of team-building and staff development, he decided to give every educator an opportunity to inspire his/her colleagues - everyone had to select a date, and prepare something for their morning.

I initially laughed at this idea, because of some of the negative reactions to it by my colleagues. But for the last few weeks, I've heard some really positive things about this exercise, and it may just be me, but on certain days I've noticed that people are nicer than on others.

Today, one of our Grade R (kindergarten) teachers had her turn. In addition to her words of inspiration, she also gave each of her colleagues a heart shaped chocolate cookie, wrapped with a cute/naughty label. Although my office colleague and I did not sit in the briefing (we have to man the phones and front gate at all times), she came into the office and gave us one also. We've all been giggling about it the whole day.

Of all the praiseworthy qualities people can possess, kindness is the one that affects me the most. Not only because it is such a rarity today, but also because when one does experience it, it comes with strings attached or an ulterior motive.

I love when people are randomly kind to one another. Something as small as cookie and a smile made me approach the day's challenges in a very different way...and it makes me regret those times where I've let the stress of a particular moment translate into meanness, and where I may have ruined someone's day because of it. It makes me appreciate the many times an unexpected act of kindness managed to change my entire day - be it a smile from a stranger, or a hug from a child, or a sweet text message from a friend.

I'd like to dedicate my post today to Nabu...

You are kindness itself. And your random act of kindness has echoed through my entire day so far...

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Better Half?

How often do we hear people refer to their significant others as “my better half”? It’s an expression many are quite fond of. Initially, this used to irritate me because it’s so cheesy, especially when done over social media, as is the norm today (ugh, can we please get over sharing every detail of our relationships with everybody).

However, petulance aside, when I really think about the phrase ‘better half’ two things come to mind: low self-esteem and danger.

It is wise to be aware of one’s own short-comings and quirks, and it is always good to have an awareness and sincere appreciation for the good in others. But it is necessary to also be aware of one’s own light, one’s own capacity for goodness, and the humanness of others. It is a very bad idea to compare yourself to others, particularly to the person you are supposed to love above everyone else.

There are, in my opinion, few things more dangerous than elevating someone to the mythical state of perfection, only to find out that they have clay feet like the rest of humanity. I don’t think any relationship can survive that level of disappointment.

I am surrounded by couples – all of my siblings are married, most of my friends are too. I have seen marriages that look good in theory, fail; I have seen couples who should, by societal expectation and ‘standards’, be compatible, and yet are unable to find common ground.

And then I’ve seen the most unlikely pairings succeed beyond expectation.

Two very good friends of mine have been married now for nine years. I was sick with anxiety when they first started dating, because of certain circumstances and because they were such different people.

I was terribly naïve, and for a long time I thought the one was better than the other one. But as the years went on, I saw two opposites complement each other in the best way. Despite the challenges that they face as husband and wife, as father and mother, they're happy. And they love each other so much, it is clear for all to see (in a non-sickening kind of way, thank goodness).

I saw them both forgive and cover the other’s flaws, and support each other in a way that not only strengthened their union, but made them grow as individuals into the epitome of what should be the foundation of all relationships:

The dictionary defines complementary as “combining in such a way as to enhance or emphasize the qualities of each other or another”. I quite like this explanation and it sums up what I’ve seen from successful marriages.

But I think the best partnerships are the ones who are made up of two wholes, instead of two halves.