Things I wish I'd heeded earlier

My sister once said, "I don't have regrets. Regret means that you're doubting the plan that God has for you." Words I have tried to live by, since the day she spoke them. Yes, you make choices in your life...but so many things have happened in my life that leaves me with no doubt that it is guided by a Supreme Hand.

However, I am human.
I err, and try to make amends, and err again. And sometimes, just when I think I have a good handle on some difficult thing I've had to learn, I mess up again.
When you're a child, you forget and bounce back quickly. When you're a teenager, you don't forget - you do, ignore advice and repeat. As an adult, your mistakes affect you, sometimes for longer than they should. And with this comes lots of introspection.

The following are things I wish I'd listened to and heeded much earlier in my life (and some I wish someone would have warned me about at all)...

1. Growing pains is 10% physical and 90% emotional.

2. Guys and girls can never just be friends.

3. Having tact and a filter is very beneficial to your health.

4. Silence is not always golden.

Withdrawal

I tried a little experiment yesterday, with the intention of going on a few days detox: no starch, more fresh fruit and vegetables (which I love actually), more water, but no coffee.

BIG MISTAKE.

When I got home at four, I couldn't keep my eyes open and my head was ready to burst.

So, I am officially a caffeine addict, suffering withdrawal.

“You don’t have to be part of a couple to be happy, you know.”

My mother is undoubtedly one of my biggest blessings. We are the products of an Indian father and Cape Malay mother; but she raised us according to values and ethics of our religion, and not either of the cultural norms of either Indian or Cape Malay society. She relentlessly encouraged us to seek knowledge, to embrace our heritage and discard culture when it contravened faith, but to always be respectful and tolerant of those who lived unwaveringly by it. The society I was born into has a tendency to confuse cultural practices with religious law – and I am eternally grateful to my mother for always reminding us to separate the two.

One cultural ‘ideal’ that I am uncomfortable with is the ‘duty’ of a young woman to marry at a certain point in her life. Women are measured by their marital status, and are somehow considered lacking or incomplete when they are found to be unattached.

I am a Muslim. I may not always succeed at performing my religious duties perfectly, but I always try – it is a lifelong journey – and I am in complete agreement with the importance that Islamic Law places on the institution of marriage. It is a most sacred and, for those who are fortunate enough to have a partner in life and who put in the work, a most beautiful state.

However. I am an educated woman. I make an honest living and contribute positively to my family and society. I am a dutiful daughter to my parents, a supportive and loving sister to my ten siblings and a firm yet fun aunt to twenty one. I have no criminal record, I don’t drink or do drugs and I am not promiscuous. I have the ability and skill to excel at almost anything I attempt.

And what annoys me to no end is that when people look at me, all they see is that I am the only one of my siblings still single.

Happiness comes in many forms.

I am healthy. I am loved – not by many, but unconditionally by some. I am able to work and I am able to enjoy life. I live in safety, and with the freedom to conduct my life as it suits me.

I am blessed. And regardless of my single status, I am happy.

The best version

At the age of thirty, I hit a brick wall – which had nothing to do with age (I am inordinately grateful for every year I am granted to spend in this life).

The brick wall was the culmination of years of bad habits from those who should know better, which ended in a catastrophe. A catastrophe that exposed many things for all who were involved.
The thing that was exposed for me: gross self-neglect.

The wonderful thing about hitting rock bottom is that there’s only two paths you can take – you can stay there, or you can go up. The choice is up to you as an individual.

I needed to choose to look after myself.

Not many people are aware of my struggles the last two years. However, everyone can see the changes, and frequently comment on it, whether it is related to my speech or actions, and more particularly, my appearance. I’ve lost some weight and acquired some grooming habits. I have discovered new passions, acquired some new skills, and now, I am happy with the person who gets up every morning, and cope better with the challenges I have to face.

I made a few small changes to my life and it translated into quite a transformation.

My colleagues are always asking me the reason for my transformation, and I’ve tried to answer them as truthfully as possible but have never felt like I’ve answered them properly. Jennifer Elisabeth has said it the best:

“I want to be the best version of myself for anyone who is going to someday walk into my life and need someone to love them beyond reason.”

Thankful for my infinite blessings

The school I work for services a very large portion of children who come from very impoverished areas, and so we are fortunate enough to be part of two initiatives: the Peninsula School Feeding Scheme and the Kellogg's Breakfast program. Both of these organisations send food and cereal on a weekly and monthly basis, so that we can ensure that our children don't have to learn with a hungry tummy.
Two days ago we celebrated World Food Day. The people at the Kellogg's BP brought Cindy Nel, a former Miss South Africa and model, to come and assist our kitchen ladies in serving breakfast to our kids.
There were photographers and journalists and the morning was quite festive, and the looks on the faces of the children made me think about my life.

It is so ingrained in us to complain and to find fault with anything and everything around us.
I have never gone to bed hungry. I have always had a roof over my head and have slept in a bed my whole life. My parents gave me a proper education-I didn't have to work for it myself. I am healthy, and able to work and contribute to my community.

Canada and the US celebrate Thanksgiving in October and November respectively, and although I am not an American or Canadian, I think it is a very good idea to reflect on all the good in one's life and to give thanks to the Almighty for it. This week, Thursday past in particular made me realize that I have nothing to complain about and I have so much to be thankful for.

The Road to Self-Discovery is often Winding

Something that has worried me for a long time has been my lack of passion for, well, anything (except for unattainable things like Tom Hiddleston).

When I was at school, the only thing that interested me was sports. I enjoyed math, tolerated languages and HATED sciences. When the time came for us to apply to colleges and universities, I didn't know which career path I wanted to pursue.
I flunked my first year miserably for choosing something that someone else told me I was good at but that I had no interest in at all.

Eventually, I settled on a field of study that would enable me to work. To my astonishment, I excelled (which just goes to show that one needs strong enough motivation to succeed at anything - even if you're not passionate about it).
I've worked a few jobs now. And I take my work very seriously - either you give 100% or you quit.
But work has been simply a means to make a living (often for the benefit of others), and has not...well, touched my soul in any major way.

Last year, the Journalism course I took was a reaction to stress - caused by some unnecessary, and hectic family drama. I had such low expectations of myself when I started it but found, to my continuing surprise, that I had somewhat of an affinity with words.
Strangely enough, that writing course together with the conflict has led me to explore and experience a number of new things over the last twenty months: from managing websites to coordinating our school publication, writing fiction and editing books. More importantly, it has given me an avenue for expression and illuminated a path which will allow my work to satisfy my soul.

It took many twists and some unsuspecting turns...but I am, at long last, discovering myself.

Growth

My best friend and I got into an argument. Thinking about it now, I cannot really say exactly how it came about, but it was the first one we've ever had (we've been friends for about 5 years now) and it was quite an epic one - and quite naturally, it was upsetting and uncomfortable.
One thing I am grateful for is that it happened over e-mail (which is one of our preferred means of communication - after being in each other's company, of course). I don't know whether I would have handled it, had the things that came to light been said in person.
In retrospect, the argument was a good thing in many ways.
It forced us to be completely honest (especially regarding things that are difficult to say); it forced us to recognize each other's flaws and short-comings (within the 'perfection' of our friendship); more than all of that though, it confirmed, for me at least, the authenticity and sincerity of our friendship.
And I am happy that despite my upset, I handled it more maturely than I may have before.

Agree to disagree - agreeably?

I open a newspaper every so often, and naturally, the Palestinian/Israeli conflict is most featured, and most commented on.
I am very disappointed in one of our publications - the one I read most often - because of the comments they have printed. This conflict somehow, in addition to splitting the world into two camps, has brought out the best in some, and the worst in others. Everyone is emotional about it. And why would they not be - children dying goes against the laws of nature, and dying in this manner...even worse, against the laws of humanity.

I wrote the following letter to the newspaper, expressing my views on the subject as well as my displeasure at the sensationalist comments they were printing.

My heart bleeds again for the attacks that have resumed in Gaza. Another child dead. More civilians dead.
What upsets me even more is opening the comment section of the newspaper, and having to read letters or sms comments that attack people for their opinions on this conflict.
I am disappointed in the publication for giving sensationalists a platform. All that it does is breed more intolerance and hatred, and clouds the truth.
Here are the facts: for the last month, the civilians of Gaza have been under unprovoked attacks from the Israeli government. More than 2000 people have died, of those, an alarming amount of women and children. Borders have been closed, so people cannot leave the country to save their lives. Aid from other countries has also been blocked.
This conflict has long ceased to be religious - and if you still think it is, then you are blinded by your own racism.
This conflict is about Israel denying Palestine's right to exist and denying the people of Gaza their basic human rights.

I did not attack any person or religion. I gave my opinion, based on what I have seen on the news and read in newspapers. I implored people to look at the situation for what it is - a gross violation of basic human rights.
My letter was published. I was happy, because many people would read it. For the rest of the week, the publication printed responses to my letter: the following are from two 'gentlemen':

"Yes, another child has been killed, found burnt and dumped, right here in South Africa. One of many in this crime-ravaged country of ours. Maybe voicing your concerns over our own children, rather than your own hatred for Israel, would help clean our own backyard. Or is a local child worth less than a Palestinian one?"

"It is not racism - it is the reality of life. You obviously have not followed the news too well. Israel was provoked by the firing of rockets from Gaza. They only retaliated when those Hamas cowards fired rockets from civilian neighbourhoods. In future, take off your burka and get your facts straight."

I am human, and naturally I was offended and angry (especially at the second remark). However, I told myself that to respond immediately would be to respond to the anger I felt, which would make me the same as that gentleman, if not worse. I didn't write that letter to offend anyone, and I was not going to start now.

But I cannot leave that unanswered.
So, even though they might not see it on here, I will respond. And those of you who do read this, who may be like-minded to those gentlemen, I hope that you will take heed of the next few lines.

I know that many people do not share my opinion - that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I have no expectation that everyone should share my opinion nor wish to deny people freedom of expression.
I have a problem with people resorting to disgusting comments like the ones in red above.
Don't assume to know about my life.
Don't assume to know whom I hate and do not hate.
And lastly, don't speak about racism and in the same breath make racist comments to a person you do not know.

Friendships vs Relationships

Two weeks ago I was asked this question: What makes a friendship different from a romantic relationship?

It made me think of every significant relationship I've ever had. By societal conventions, they probably don't classify as relationships - I've never been on a date, never experienced physical intimacy with a man - but to me they were. If I've given you my heart and you've given me yours, we're in a relationship.

With all of my relationships with people - be it platonic or romantic - my default setting is to give all of myself. I am supportive, nurturing, caring; I love so completely; I am always honest but always focus on the best in people. I have a talent, I think, for making people feel really good about themselves. I've approached all of my friendships and romantic endeavors in this way.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me, the only difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship is the sexual element. 

If I look back at all of the guys I've been interested in, I come to the following conclusion:
To get their attention, I overstated my tomboyishness - I love sports, never cared for grooming, wasn't overly sensitive or squeamish like most girls. It worked. I got their attention - and became "one of the guys". Even now, were I to be completely honest, I would admit that I still prefer the company of men. I am a tomboy. Part of me is always going to be that.

However, I am not male. All the female insecurities and sensibilities that I've tried to silence for the last two decades are there...and louder than they ever were. I've also realized that at this age, when you prefer the company of men, they will label you as either one of the guys or a whore. And I am neither. 

I've always prided myself one being the best friend any one could have...
But more than that, inside of me lies the potential to be the best lover and companion a guy could ever ask for.
Every guy who's been in my life took happily what I gave...and gave me nothing substantial in return. Instead, they left me with scars, scars I didn't even see were there, and a feeling of being unworthy of love.

I've made the decision, unconsciously at first but now consciously, to refrain from friendships with males - unless I have an ulterior romantic motive.

My challenge is to SHOW the possibilities of what could be if they commit to me, but to withhold the commitment until a proper proposition is made from them.

This challenge is slightly more difficult for me because I'm trying to conduct every aspect of my life according to my religion. Following the orders from my Creator takes preference over my own desires - and so I have to rise to this challenge without contravening Divine law. I think this awareness has largely contributed to me curbing my naturally flirtatious nature when it comes to men.

But...that's it. I am done being only your friend.

Take note gentlemen: if you want ANY part of me, you will have to take ALL of me.

Simplify

As we come to the end of Ramadhan, it is always good to reflect on the past month and what lessons we can take from it going forward.

The school I work for was very fortunate to have been part of something truly amazing and beautiful this year. Our headmaster was approached by a group of philanthropists and asked whether they could run a food kitchen from our school premises for every night of the fast - so that they could invite the less fortunate families in the area for a meal.

A colleague remarked to me today that this month made her more aware of certain realities. Things we are aware of, but maybe not very consciously so. And she said to me that through this endeavour, and through witnessing the atrocities being committed in Gaza, it really hit home how bad some of these families' circumstances were, and what extremely privileged lives we lead.

It echoed what I have been feeling for a very long time...that our lives are a luxury compared to many others. Do we really need half of the things we have? Do we have the right to complain? About anything?

I will keep asking myself these questions.

And my intention going forward, bearing in mind that there are hoards of people with so much less than I have, is to try and simplify my life as much as possible...and to be inordinately grateful for all that I have.

Well Done Chile!

https://twitter.com/Ian56789/status/491541198096437250

Well done Chile!
As always, a South American country is willing to do what no one else will...the right thing.

Gaza - Humanitarian crime at its worst

I am not one to watch the news. However, the situation in Gaza is absolutely shocking and prompted me to do some research into what sparked this particular episode in the ongoing conflict between Israel and Palestine.

I found that this was caused by allegations that three Israeli teenagers were kidnapped and murdered by Palestinians (or Hamas). To my understanding, no concrete evidence was found to verify this allegation. The result of what ensued stands thus:
More than 220 deaths and almost 2000 seriously injured - 1 death and 4 injuries in Israel and the rest in Palestine, of which an alarming amount are children.

Now, as a Muslim, I am appalled at the atrocities being inflicted on my Palestinian brothers and sisters. Make no mistake, I would be equally appalled if there were any Israeli child-victims (and I am sincerely grateful that there aren't any).
But what disgusts me even more is that the world is placing blame instead of addressing the red elephant in the room: children are dying unnecessarily. This is not simply political or religious conflict - this is humanitarian crime at its worst.
The world was up in arms when Hitler massacred thousands of innocent and defenseless people. Is this not what Israel is doing now?
And whether you are a Muslim or a Jew, pro-Israeli or pro-Palestine, NOTHING justifies killing children.

To the US and UN - by standing by and doing nothing, when you have the power to prevent further conflict, you are enabling and supporting war and humanitarian crimes. The blood of these innocent people and children are on your hands.

I do...

This post is dedicated to my new Twuddies (Twitter Buddies)... @HiddlesTigress @Debsloth1 @S_Absolem @tomschesthairs @HiddlesEducates @KGullic @HiddlestonedZ

It's nice to know I am not alone in my quirks...and despite the fact that our initial contact was through our shared obsession with Tom, it is really nice getting to know 'real' things about all of you :)

I do, indeed, cherish you all :))

Making peace with certain realities

I read a blog post on this lady who is having some trouble with finding the right guy (sista, you ain't the only one with that problem).

The following was a comment I left..and I hope it helped somewhat.

What I have made peace with regarding men….

1. Check lists - My signal for when a guy has managed to attract me is, literally, a gut feeling…seismic activity in my belly, and sometimes triggered by someone who has none of the qualities on my ‘check list’…so much so, that the only thing on my check list right now is “Causes seismic activity belly”. Check-lists are for children.

2. Learn to love yourself…it shows (and no, not in the annoying, I-am-so-perfect-whats-not-to-love way)...Others will see it (hopefully the right ones) and respond to it..

3. Multi-faceted - It may not be in God’s plan for your to experience that kind of love in this life. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s so much more to ourselves than we realise... And while we may not be someone's girlfriend or wife, we are so many things to so many different people...in roles that are equally as, if not more important. Embrace and be proud of what you are right now!

Having said all of the above, it would be lovely to love someone and be loved in return, so do not be afraid to ask Him for what you want…

Who knows, you just might get it

small things that make life beautiful

For the past two weeks, I've been having random experiences...

We took our netball girls for a fixture at a very poor school in a dangerous neighbouring area. Not only were we well received, after all the matches were done, the educators of the school offered our learners and educators oranges. A small gesture, but our learners were so touched...and even scolded us for not doing the same.

The following day, one of the learners in the above mentioned squad came to the office and brought me a packet of naartjies...all because I mentioned the previous day that they were my favourite citrus fruit.

On my walk from the bus-stop to school one morning, I didn't realise that my new cellphone had fallen out of my bag...and a gentleman drove behind me to tell me that I'd dropped it. On walking back to look for it, another gentleman came up to me with my phone in his hand.

My father came home one afternoon from his weekly business shop with a tub full of liquorice...because he knows its one of my favourites.

Not exactly life changing events and quite random, but connected by a synonymous theme which, in my opinion, is one of the things that make life truly amazing and beautiful...Kindness

home

My brother bought our childhood home when he got married 26 years ago. Even though I don't live there anymore, it's doors have always been open to me, and I remember spending almost every holiday there as a child. Today was the first time in more than thirty years that we've had a gathering in that house.

My little nephew was born nine years ago with a suspended liver, two holes in his diaphragm and two holes in his heart. His chances for survival was minimal, at best, and the last nine years have been a battle for this little boy...operations, hospital visits, waiting for theatre dates...and about a month ago, he finally had his last operation (God-willing).

An old man, who is like a father to my brother, asked whether he could hold a little prayer ceremony (thikr) today, to give thanks to the Almighty for delivering my nephew safely through his trial and making his surgery a success. It was our family, and others who have been family friends for decades.

Twenty six years is a really long time, and many many things have happened during it. Many changes have occurred...as is normal, with the passing of time and progress of people.
Some things, however, do not change. And today I basked in a feeling I always get when I step into that house, but have not felt for a really long time.

I was home.

Intimacy

Intimacy is not limited to relationships of a romantic nature, nor is it automatic and natural in romantic or familial relationships. It can take years to build with some, an instant to form with others.

The first thought that pops into my head upon hearing the word 'intimacy' is 'physical'...being comfortable enough to let another person discover your flaws and being confident that despite those flaws, they'd still want to discover your perfections.

Two senses I associate with intimacy (and which are heightened) are smell and touch.

I think one can only be truly intimate with someone if there is a mutual attraction on a chemical level, which has nothing and everything to do with physical appearance. Nothing, because it does not solely rely on aesthetics; and everything, because without a physical attraction to a person, intimacy will be impossible...and attraction itself is subjective, what appeals to one may not to the other.

But, what truly takes intimacy to its peak is a mutual attraction for the qualities that are unseen-a mental and emotional intimacy. Being able to communicate, cause a reaction or inspire a feeling through non-verbal and non-tacit means...be it a single look or a thoughtful gesture...

Dearest Tom

Dearest Tom

I'm sure that at some point in your life, you've had an insane, irrational crush on some celebrity.
Insane and irrational are exactly what my feelings are concerning you.

For starters, we have never met nor do I entertain any ideas or hopes that we ever will.
I admit, I do have fantasies...I've written a book in my head of meetings between the two of us (don't worry, they are mostly inspired by your roles as Henry V and William Buxton...and of course, you, as the gentleman that you are).
But despite my fantasies, I take comfort in the fact that we will never meet...
I fear I'd be so overwhelmed by you that I'd forget that I was Muslim and do something that I'm really not supposed to.
Whenever I see you in a movie, or a picture, when I hear you speak (more especially in a low voice, or whisper), everything between my navel and hipbone clenches, and it feels as though a million butterflies are dancing an Argentine Tango in my belly...my signal, for when I'm attracted to a man physically.
Whenever I hear you laugh, really laugh, in your interviews...is it possible that someone's laugh can affect a person's heart rate??

However, what attracts me most to you is your mind, and heart (from what I can see), your kindness and your ability to laugh at yourself and not take your celebrity status seriously (your velociraptor and Zach Levi impressions from the Nerd HQ conversation never fail to make me laugh). I love the fact that you're so well read (and that you love to read). I admire the work you do with UNICEF. My heart swells when I see or read of your kindness to your fellow actors and especially your fans.

I am soo envious of the woman who manages to capture your heart one day.
I have this feeling...I know...you will cherish her (and I fervently hope that she will cherish you...not Loki or Hal or Magnus or any of your characters...you).

Maybe, at 31, I am too old for fangirling or 'hero-worship' as my sister tells me.
However, a girl is allowed to have dreams...and until my own Henry/William Buxton comes along, you will feature in mine for a long time...

Confidence of Youth

I've been trying to reconcile two parts of myself lately...the fun, confident, exuberant teenager of fourteen years ago with the adult woman of today...but it got me thinking: which parts of my teenage self do I want to resurrect?

Some things I am really grateful for now: I am a LOT more tactful than I was at seventeen; I am no longer skittish around education and actually find myself fully embracing new learning opportunities; I take a lot more pride in the things that I do...
These are all things, essential things, that I lacked as a teenager and yes, I suppose all or most teens are like that and I shouldn't feel like I was the only miserable and lazy adolescent. But I was constantly reminded and berated for those 'normal' shortcomings and found that when I hit my twenties, I could no longer bury my head in the sand and be oblivious to these things. I needed to make a change.

But in all of the changing, I lost some good bits as well. And the thing I miss the most is the confidence I had back then. I wish I could combine the confidence of my youth with the wisdom (I hope) and maturity (I fervently hope) of my 31 year old self.
I'd be unstoppable.

Feeling inspired

Inspiration that hits you out of the blue is the best kind.

One of our school parents started working for us unofficially a year ago. She started as a feeding scheme assistant and running the aftercare. She is a lovely lady, who helps with everything. No task is too menial for her hands. She is such a team player, and when one of our caretakers retired at the end of last year, we retained her in that capacity.

A few weeks ago, we applied to our education department to make her a permanent employee, which would mean a very positive change in her earnings, as well as job security. Today, our principal called us both into his office. He handed me a camera and asked me to take a picture of the two of them as he handed her her first official department payslip. My heart burst at this moment!

She started out as a parent volunteer, who wanted to assist the school in some way to compensate for the fact that she couldn't afford to pay the school fees. Through her determination and work ethic, this is the rewards she is now reaping.

I am sooo proud of you Aunty Fay!!

Shakespearean Lovers

About two and a half years ago now, I posted a piece on my favourite literary couples (http://ravingsofanalien.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-favourite-literary-couples.html). I have read a few more books since then and have met with some more interesting couples.

For the last 4 months or so, due to fandom and Twitter (here's looking at you, Tom Hiddleston and @HollowCrownFans) I have been reading more of the Bard and have come across some new couples.
So, thus far, these are my favourites...

1. Benedict and Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing - these two make use of my favourite thing as foreplay...humour :))

2. Henry V and Katharine - Act 5 Scene 2. I need not say anything else. This entire scene is one of the most romantic I have ever read. But I leave you with the following quote...
"You have witchcraft in your lips, Kate. And there is more eloquence in a sugar touch of them than in the tongues of the French Council. And they should sooner persuade Harry of England, than a general petition of monarchs."

3. Marcius and Virgilia - Coriolanus. Okay, so this is a very bloody piece of drama from Shakespeare. It deals with politics and war and deception...and the stubbornness of the title character's character...

Caius Marcius Coriolanus is an absolute snob. He has been reared with a epic dislike and prejudice against any person who is not of the nobility and without the ability to mask it, or any of his true feelings on any subject. He cannot pretend.  "He would not flatter Neptune for his trident, Or Jove for ’s power to thunder." (3.1.321)

But with his wife, Virgilia...the beautiful names he calls her (My Gracious Silence, Best of my flesh), his gentle manner of speaking and dealing with her...we see a side that only comes out with her, a complete antithesis of the soldier he is in the rest of the play. 

Coriolanus

I started writing this post a few days ago...Sunday, 2 March 01h00, to be exact. Why was I up at this unGodly hour?
Because I was so wired after experiencing one of the best evenings of my life...one I was waiting three months to experience.

After a morning tutoring session with my niece, I showered, put on a pretty dress, my favourite perfume and heels, and did my make-up. And when we got to the cinema, I sat, through forty minutes of repetitive trailers, waiting for it to start.
It didn't disappoint.

I have so much to say but no words can do justice to the brilliant performance I had the privilege to watch.
Let me start by saying a big congratulations to the entire Donmar team. I am so upset that I don't live in London...I would have been your best patron.

I have never been to the theatre to watch a Shakespearean play. In fact, the last time I was at the theatre was probably at primary school, so I was expecting some stage dressing. To have the lights shine on a naked stage took me a bit by surprise but it actually worked well, forcing you to focus entirely on the drama as it unfolds on the stage. You, as an audience member, were not distracted by props or garish costumes  and made the performance on stage so much more powerful.


Before I get to my shallower musings, I need to applaud the actors for an AMAZING job. I went out and bought Coriolanus to read in preparation for the play. I am usually a fast reader but it took me a few weeks to get through it...I read it slowly, so that I could understand it to the best of my ability.
But, Shakespeare wrote plays, and I only fully appreciated Coriolanus after watching it. I certainly did not pick up humour or sarcasm when I read it, and I don't recall laughing for any scene. But I laughed like an idiot in the cinema (the people probably thought I was on crack or something) for the droll wit of Menenius, in particular, and even of Virgilia and Marcius.

All the actors were brilliant, but the performances that stood out for me were those of Mark Gatiss (kept me in stitches in almost every scene he was in), Rochenda Sandall (sensational, playing a million different characters - and for such a small lady, huge stage presence) and, of course, Tom Hiddleston.
  

What can I say?
Firstly (and here I am going to be frivolous, and I apologise in advance if it makes you a little uncomfortable), you are one sexy man. Even when you are scowling. You need to throw away every loose-fitting pair of trousers you own and only wear slim cut pants.
 

 Initially, I was struggling to focus on more than just your posterior and biceps (when did that happen???) and I was really grateful that the lady at the refreshments counter put extra ice in my drink (I needed it).

But your performance took me on a such a ride...and my emotions were scattered all over the place by the end of it.I hated your arrogance and admired your courage through the first Act; I felt awkward and uncomfortable with the intimate looks at Birgitte Sorenson in all of your scenes with her, yet I could not look away; I wanted to protect you from your own family and friends who wanted to change you;

Birgitte and Tom

my heart broke when you parted from your family, broke again when you humbled yourself to Hadley Fraser and shattered when I saw you hang at the end.

I was exhausted...yet strangely energized when I left the theatre.
Coriolanus was well worth the three month wait and R120 I paid for my ticket.

On-screen romance

I am a sucker for on-screen romance.
For me, a good actor will make me believe that the fake chemistry on screen is absolutely real.

The following are some of my absolute favourite on-screen romantic scenes...

1. Stefan and Elena's first kiss on Vampire diaries. I stopped watching this series in the middle of season two because the story lines just stopped making sense and Elena works on my nerves. But Stefan is one of my absolute favourite fictitious characters...and let's not forget that he is smoking hot (how people can like Ian Somerhalder over Paul Wesley is beyond me).
And this scene...wow. Not smutty or disgusting.
Just...absolutely romantic.


2. Jesse and Lestat in Queen of the Damned. Now, yes, this movie will never even be considered for an Oscar. The story line was made a bit weird, and there was A LOT of bad acting. But I liked it. Because, again, I liked the chemistry between Jesse and Lestat...even though that wasn't explored a lot in this movie. My favourite scenes between them are three:

Meeting for the first time in an alley outside the Admiral's Arms

Flying through Los Angeles

When Lestat bites into Jesse at the end, she lets out this sigh...like its pleasurable and not painful.

3. Tom Hiddleston and Melanie Thierry as Henry and Kate in The Hollow Crown's Henry V. This has become one of my favourite plays and Act 5 Scene 2 has become my favourite romantic scene. What starts off as a political alliance morphs into the beginning of a beautiful relationship, and Henry, although he does not know how to 'mince it in love' woos her with his honesty. I absolutely love the fact that he takes his crown off before he kisses her.

Tom, this made me fall in love with you...

Sonnet 57

Being your slave, what should I do but tend 
Upon the hours and times of your desire? 
I have no precious time at all to spend, 
Nor services to do, till you require. 
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour 
When you have bid your servant once adieu; 
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought 
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose, 
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are how happy you make those.
   So true a fool is love that in your will,
   Though you do any thing, he thinks no ill. 

Twitter friends

Twitter is without a doubt my favourite social medium. At a tense moment in my day, I can just open the Twitter app on my Blackberry and I am guaranteed to read something amusing by one of my twuddies (Twitter buddies for those who didn't catch that).

In my previous post I attributed my reintroduction to Shakespeare to my dream guy, Tom Hiddleston.
Today, I wish to pay tribute to the Twitter friend who has made Shakespeare fun!

So, @HollowCrownFans, I thank thee, from the bottom of my heart. 

My road back to Shakespeare

As a high school student, I didn't really like studying the literature they made us read. I later discovered that it was due to the fact that they chose mostly tragedies - what teenager wants to read about jealousy, death and destruction? I also had a really boring English teacher for most of my high school career.
Thankfully, we were given a new teacher in my Matric year and she made us fall in love with reading.

My love affair with books gradually grew over the last fifteen years. I do not profess to be a connoisseur of books - my tastes could be considered shallow by many. I hate books that are depressing, I don't need to read something that requires in depth analysis. Books are my escape from some of the harsher realities of life. As long as the language and plot are beautiful and I can fall in love with some character (though he/she may be fictional) or travel to beautiful places in my head, I am happy. Give me a romance (period or contemporary), fantasy or even science fiction (to a degree), and I am a happy camper.

Despite my generally fluffy taste in reading material, I am very fond of certain classic authors - Jane Austen and William Shakespeare being my two favourites. Austen satisfies my eternal romantic - the girl ALWAYS gets the right guy for her and the endings are always happy for her heroines. Shakespeare I like for his superior use of the English language.

I have discovered that one understands a Shakespearean play best when it's being performed.
During Matric, a group of actors came to enact all of the literature we were studying that year...it was the first time I had ever had a good understanding of my school literature and it was also the year I got my best English mark. Although I did not pursue English at tertiary level, I continued to read (and watch) Shakespeare when I could.

My reintroduction to Shakespeare came last year, when I discovered that Tom Hiddleston's acting CV is littered with Bard roles. I was curious, and managed to get my hands on the Hollow Crown series, which is the screen version of one of Shakespeare's historical tetralogies - Richard II, Henry IV-Part 1, Henry IV-Part 2 and Henry V.
Yes, Tom is a fox, and I get warm just thinking of him or looking at pictures of him. Does not take an iota away from the fact that the man is a bloody brilliant actor. I really enjoyed the series, but due to restrictions, many times film adaptations have to trim a lot of the actual literature and this prompted me to start investing in the books.
Thus far, I've managed to read Coriolanus...a play I had never heard of but thought I'd read in preparation to the NTLive screening of the Donmar production (in which Mr Hotness plays the lead character). To my surprise, despite it being a tragedy, I really enjoyed it (and bear in mind that I have not seen the play yet).

So, fandom led me back to Shakespeare.
I watched Much Ado About Nothing because I wanted to see Keanu Reeves and Robert Sean Leonard.
I watched Hamlet because I wanted to see Ethan Hawke and I liked Julia Stiles.
I watched A Midsummer Night's Dream because I am a Michelle Pfeiffer fan.

Is it such a travesty? No. And if brilliant actors like Kenneth Branagh, Ralph Fiennes, Tom Hiddleston, Jeremy Irons, Emma Thompson, etc. attract people to the genre, we should be happy that there are those few, those band of brothers who keeps the Bard alive in contemporary times.

Re-discovering my adolescence

My natural personality is very exuberant...okay, let's be honest. I'm loud. I like to laugh. I like to have fun (within reason of course). I am very light-hearted and don't take things too seriously. I tend to say things as I think them (without editing before I utter) and I don't sugar-coat.
When I was younger, I was often labeled as being tactless and my natural tendencies often landed me in some sort of trouble.

For the longest time now, I've been trying very hard to be grown up and responsible. And while I am relieved to have abandoned some of my juvenile qualities, I think I squashed my personality in the process and became this really boring, heavy person. It's amazing how whatever is inside you translates outwardly and my somber head space has shown in my behaviour, the way that I dress, hobbies' etc.

For the last few months, however, I've been rediscovering my adolescent self. Before you freak out, no, not the obnoxious one whom everyone was scared of... Instead, I have merged the lightness of my younger self with the wisdom and experience (hopefully) of my present self.
Someone commented the other day on how happy they are to see me wearing lighter clothing, wearing make-up, wearing a smile!
And I have to say, despite all of the adversity I've had to face the last twelve months, I am being steered towards a happier head space.

Dialogue and Disagreement

One of the hot topics at the moment in South Africa is the energy crisis we are facing. Last year, I had the opportunity to attend a conference hosted by SAWomEng and the focus was on whether we should resort to hydraulic fracturing (or ‘fracking’ as it commonly referred to) as a means to solve our energy crisis.

For those who do not know, South Africa relies mainly on coal for its energy needs. However, coal is a non-renewable resource and our reserves are depleting at an alarming rate, and so we have to explore other energy sources. In the Karoo, there is a large region with a substantial reserve of shale gas, which is a potential energy source, and this resource has to be extracted by the process of fracking.

Simply put, shafts are dug into the earth and a mixture of water, sand and chemicals are horizontally pumped at a high pressure, thereby fracturing the rocks to release the gas.

I had heard the term ‘fracking’ before, but did not know what it was, what it was used for and its consequences. As a non-science person, it was extremely educational for me to learn about it and to watch people debate about the pros and cons of us exploring this option.

I also had the privilege of meeting some really interesting people – one in particular, Johnathan Deal, an environmental crusader of sorts who heads up Treasure the Karoo Action Group. TKAG is committed to ensuring that the shale-rich area of the Karoo is protected against fracking and also for South Africa to more aggressively explore renewable energy sources.

I spent a few minutes chatting to him and discovered that he is completely off the Eskom grid, and relies entirely on solar power.

As impressive as I find that, the thing that stuck with me was his comment on how wasteful we have become with regards to energy usage. Is it necessary to switch every light on in your home? Do you have switch the kettle, stove, oven and microwave on at the same time? And I thought to myself – this man has a point. We are frantically looking for alternative sources of energy but no one has attempted to answer this question: What are we doing to become more energy efficient?

The debate between the pro and anti-fracking communities are heating up – and in some cases, people have resorted to some disgusting tactics (here I refer to mud-slinging on Twitter and slanderous blog posts) which brings me to my point:

We are all different, and have different views and opinions. We’re not going to all agree on things. And it’s okay to dialogue and to have disagreements.

It is NOT okay to degrade or personally attack people in the name of your cause. It is NOT okay to equate someone to a dictator because he/she actively promotes his/her opinion (which contradicts yours).

Bad behaviour is NEVER OKAY. 

stress-fractured heart

Something I've realized over the past few days-the people whom you love the most are the ones who have the potential to hurt you the worst...
That's been my life for the last week...I've been around a person who's negativity is so overwhelming that it rendered me unable to eat and has robbed me of sleep. This person has hurt me so badly, I've cried during my prayers...
With friends it is easy...you simply get rid of the ones who take you for granted. Something I've had to do a lot the last few years.
But what do you do when it is someone you cannot rid yourself of? Someone who will be in your life till death takes either of you...?

“After a certain point, a heart with so many stress fractures can never be anything but broken” - Jodi Picoult.

My heart is broken. And some days it feels like I'm bleeding internally...