A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Whispers

When I took my writing class three years ago, we did this exercise once a week, where we were given a verb and asked to come up with as many synonyms for it as possible. The aim was to train us to use the most appropriate verb within a sentence, as opposed to using too many adverbs or adjectives.

For example, the word "talk" has so many synonyms, and yet, they do not all simply mean to "communicate using your mouth, voice and words" - you could talk slowly (drawl), or quickly (ramble), or with difficulty (stutter). There were times where this particular exercise frustrated the hell out of us, but was usually accompanied with quite a few laughs. In the end it expanded our vocabulary as writers, and enabled us to paint a picture with words, rather than just relate details.

Another synonym for this word is "whisper". The first definition of the word whisper that I come across is "to speak with soft, hushed sounds, using only the lips and breath, without vibration of the vocal cords". What a beautiful description! And being the incurable romantic that I am, I always associate this word with gentleness (trees, water, a breeze making a soft, rustling sound) or romance (to talk softly or privately).

However, this beautiful word can have an ugly connotation - "...to talk softly or privately (often implying gossip, slander, plotting or the like); a rumour or insinuation..." - as I've discovered these past few weeks. I have been...heartbroken and angry because of some ugly things that have been whispered about me - angry at their inaccuracies and the physical effects that their negativity has had on me, and heartbroken because it revealed people's true colours (as well as their cowardice and the very bad opinion they seem to have of me).

But with difficulty comes introspection. I am not perfect, and while I try to stay away from gossip and try to refrain from badmouthing people (particularly when they are not present to defend themselves) I am human, and I have slipped up many times in my life in this regard. And it made me wonder whether I was being punished for doing the same to others.

While this whole ordeal was a good reminder for me to mind my mouth, and to reserve my judgement, it has made me a lot more distrustful of people in general (and of some in particular).
Whispers born of resentment, envy and assumptions can have some damaging effects, even when you don't hear them. And if I've learnt anything, it's that only the Almighty can protect you against them.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Rejection

I entered my very first online writing competition a few months ago. The prize for this competition was some money but more importantly, having your submission published online. I didn't expect to win, but eternal optimist that I am, I hoped. Stranger things have happened.

Today is the day the winner was announced, and sadly, my inbox remains empty.

I went online to check, and the winner's story was published.

It's not mine.

And yes, although I did not expect to win, I am still sad and disappointed that I didn't.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - There is no Team without Trust

I am a very different sort of character at work.

My methods, while very efficient most of the time, seem to rub my colleagues up the wrong way (all the time). But apart from me, one of the biggest challenges I think we face as a staff is a serious lack of unity.

When I started this job, almost seven years ago, I was the second youngest staff member - not only in age, but in experience, both in years at the school, and in working years in general. Whenever I tried to implement a new idea or tried to go about my duties in a different way, it was met with resistance. It was here that I experienced how averse people were to change. "She just started here yesterday, who does she think she is?" This is a comment that was passed almost every week, and one I still here whispers of now and again.

It saddens me to have to say that not everyone shares the same vision for the school or its learners; not everyone is supportive when their colleagues wish to do anything that would benefit the school or the learners we are supposed to serve. And in some extreme occurrences, some have even gone so far as to sabotage the efforts of others.
For as long as I can remember, it has been drilled into me to do things without expectation of recognition. But I'm not Jesus. I don't necessarily want recognition, but I feel it when the things that I do go unappreciated (especially when they've yielded results). It makes me want to quit my job and take my skills elsewhere.

It is one of the most demoralizing kinds of atmospheres to work in, and during the last six and a half years it has prevented me from taking on more challenges. I've never really felt part of a team.

This year, due to one of our senior colleagues falling ill, some of the newer and younger colleagues and I were forced into taking charge of a project. We were very apprehensive about taking it on - we don't enjoy the support of our senior colleagues, and we have to contend with a counter-productive vibe (from them) that feels like they're waiting for us to fail.

Despite this, I have every confidence that we'll make a success of it. All of the people involved are on the same page, we all want this to succeed and we are all willing to do what we can, and what is necessary. Yes, we don't agree on everything, but we can do it in adult manner, and we trust that we all have the school's best interests at heart. We are able to recognise and appreciate each other's talents, and for the first time ever, I feel like a valued team member.

"Without trust, we don't truly collaborate; we merely co-ordinate or, at best, co-operate." The trust we have shown with each other so far really has transformed an unlikely group of people into a team. And though we will face some challenges, I am certain that we will make a success of our collaboration in the end.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Emotional Security

As far as embarrassing stories go, there is one my mother loves to tell about me, one we’ve heard so many times I’ve lost count.

When I was about three years old, I apparently had this habit of walking around – I used to randomly visit the neighbours, and sometimes the people we knew who lived in the next road.

One evening, it was way after sunset, and my family couldn’t find me. My brother and sisters had checked all of my usual haunts (yes, I had these at three) and at all of the neighbouring homes, and still no one could find me. It was raining that evening, and when my mom checked, my raincoat was gone too.

After a while, I came waltzing in the door, and my mom started scolding. Even after explaining that I was at the new neighbour’s house (one they did not check), I got the spanking of my life and was told I could go to bed without supper.

My family was sitting in the living room watching TV and after a few minutes, I walked in with a plate of food I’d dished myself (from the pot on the stove – my mom had made my favourite that evening), and when they looked again, my brother burst out laughing because I’d fallen fast asleep on the coffee table, my empty plate next to me.

As embarrassing as it sometimes is for me to hear (particularly in front of strangers) I love this story because it shows two aspects of the personality I now have as an adult.

Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I’m a doer – I get shit done, and many times on my own, and from this memory I can see that I exhibited signs of self-sufficiency and independence from a very early age.

The second aspect I only realised today, and once I did, certain things in my life made sense – more specifically, my reactions to certain things. There were three instances in my life where I felt like I couldn’t handle the situation, like I wanted to crawl under the blanket and stay there indefinitely, and today I could put into words the thing that linked those three instances – lack of emotional security.

I’ve come to realise a few things:

Firstly, there are certain people in your life who have a direct effect on your emotional security; Secondly, when that emotional security becomes unstable or is ripped away, it feels worse than any physical injury (to me, at least);

And thirdly, sometimes the people you love the most make you feel very insecure.

Today I owned up to a truth I was avoiding for a long time – I need emotional security, and I need it from those that I love and who claim to love me. And for the first time, I can say this to myself and realise that it is not a weakness. It is me embracing who I am.

My three year old self fell peacefully asleep because she knew, on a subconscious level, even after a scolding and a spanking that she was in a secure environment.

I need a hug, or a kiss, or an “I miss you” text, or a “How did you wake up this morning” phone call. I need physical gestures of concern and love, because that is how I know that I am important to people, and that in turn gives me emotional security.

And now that I have acknowledged this need within myself, the next step is to be able to share this revelation with the people on whom my emotional security currently depends…and to brace myself for the possibility that they may no longer want to be the source of that security for me.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Kindness

The principal of my school conducts a ten minute briefing every morning before the siren sounds the beginning of the school day. A few years ago he said to me that the reason for this is to greet the entire staff, as well as set the tone for the day. Usually, only he or the Deputy will conduct these briefings, but this term, in the spirit of team-building and staff development, he decided to give every educator an opportunity to inspire his/her colleagues - everyone had to select a date, and prepare something for their morning.

I initially laughed at this idea, because of some of the negative reactions to it by my colleagues. But for the last few weeks, I've heard some really positive things about this exercise, and it may just be me, but on certain days I've noticed that people are nicer than on others.

Today, one of our Grade R (kindergarten) teachers had her turn. In addition to her words of inspiration, she also gave each of her colleagues a heart shaped chocolate cookie, wrapped with a cute/naughty label. Although my office colleague and I did not sit in the briefing (we have to man the phones and front gate at all times), she came into the office and gave us one also. We've all been giggling about it the whole day.

Of all the praiseworthy qualities people can possess, kindness is the one that affects me the most. Not only because it is such a rarity today, but also because when one does experience it, it comes with strings attached or an ulterior motive.

I love when people are randomly kind to one another. Something as small as cookie and a smile made me approach the day's challenges in a very different way...and it makes me regret those times where I've let the stress of a particular moment translate into meanness, and where I may have ruined someone's day because of it. It makes me appreciate the many times an unexpected act of kindness managed to change my entire day - be it a smile from a stranger, or a hug from a child, or a sweet text message from a friend.

I'd like to dedicate my post today to Nabu...

You are kindness itself. And your random act of kindness has echoed through my entire day so far...

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Better Half?

How often do we hear people refer to their significant others as “my better half”? It’s an expression many are quite fond of. Initially, this used to irritate me because it’s so cheesy, especially when done over social media, as is the norm today (ugh, can we please get over sharing every detail of our relationships with everybody).

However, petulance aside, when I really think about the phrase ‘better half’ two things come to mind: low self-esteem and danger.

It is wise to be aware of one’s own short-comings and quirks, and it is always good to have an awareness and sincere appreciation for the good in others. But it is necessary to also be aware of one’s own light, one’s own capacity for goodness, and the humanness of others. It is a very bad idea to compare yourself to others, particularly to the person you are supposed to love above everyone else.

There are, in my opinion, few things more dangerous than elevating someone to the mythical state of perfection, only to find out that they have clay feet like the rest of humanity. I don’t think any relationship can survive that level of disappointment.

I am surrounded by couples – all of my siblings are married, most of my friends are too. I have seen marriages that look good in theory, fail; I have seen couples who should, by societal expectation and ‘standards’, be compatible, and yet are unable to find common ground.

And then I’ve seen the most unlikely pairings succeed beyond expectation.

Two very good friends of mine have been married now for nine years. I was sick with anxiety when they first started dating, because of certain circumstances and because they were such different people.

I was terribly naïve, and for a long time I thought the one was better than the other one. But as the years went on, I saw two opposites complement each other in the best way. Despite the challenges that they face as husband and wife, as father and mother, they're happy. And they love each other so much, it is clear for all to see (in a non-sickening kind of way, thank goodness).

I saw them both forgive and cover the other’s flaws, and support each other in a way that not only strengthened their union, but made them grow as individuals into the epitome of what should be the foundation of all relationships:

The dictionary defines complementary as “combining in such a way as to enhance or emphasize the qualities of each other or another”. I quite like this explanation and it sums up what I’ve seen from successful marriages.

But I think the best partnerships are the ones who are made up of two wholes, instead of two halves.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Judgment

How many times have you judged a person based on an inopportune first impression or an incorrect assumption? Or for something that secretly makes you uncomfortable or sheds a fluorescent light on your dark side? For me, too many times to count. And I’ve often discovered (to my unending embarrassment) that my judgement had no foundation at all.

Certain events in my life alerted me to this terrible quality within myself. One in particular occurred during my first year at college.

I became very good friends with someone after a break-up with his girlfriend. Many of our classmates thought we were dating (for a long while I had hoped his feelings for me would develop in that way) but we were just two people with similar interests and a similar approach to many things.

We did differ, when it came to academic ability, and I am, to this day, ashamed to admit that my arrogance over this fact, and my opinions on some of his more questionable life decisions, caused a rift – which led to us not speaking to each other for 18 months. We did reconcile eventually, and are still good friends (he and his wife are like family to me) but I will never be able to take back the way I made him feel, nor can we ever get back those 18 months.

A friend paid me the greatest compliment I could ever hope for as a writer – she said, in response to a recent post, that what she loves best about my writing is that it is not judgmental. My initial reaction to this was one of disbelief, because I know myself to be terribly judgmental. Another mistaken assumption that many live under is that if I don’t say things, I don’t judge, but in many cases tone, facial expressions, body language, actions, and even silence convey judgement more than words ever could. I have hurt people, and have been hurt by people in this way. And sadly, it has cost me dearly, in the relationships with people I care about.

The second reaction was that of hope – hope that I may finally be on the path to ridding myself of this destructive habit.

Every chapter of my life, whether it was work related or personal, has brought with it a particular lesson on judgment. One that has stayed with me (since the Almighty saw it fit to bless me with this bit of wisdom) is this: no person is too good to sin, and no sinner is beyond redemption. These words act as my daily reminder that tomorrow, I may be worse off than the person I judged today.

Some food for thought (and comment, if you like):

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Lies

Some may find this odd (or disturbing) but I do not trust a person who claims to be 100% truthful all the time (that is the biggest lie of all). We lie to deceive, we lie to impress, we lie to protect – ourselves and others. Some lies are harmless enough – when you tell a three-year old that their drawings are beautiful, your lie gives them confidence – and when, as in this case, the lie is used for unselfish reasons and harms no one, I can live with it. Most lies though, are dangerous, especially when they are borne from selfishness (as most lies are).

But the most dangerous…

The people we lie to the most are ourselves.

As humans, we all have opinions about each other, and it is a very human trait to want to be in control of what others think of us.

I read a post by a young author today, and he said something in particular reference to writers, but it is the paradox that applies to everyone: we all yearn to belong, and to be accepted, but we also want to stand out and be unique. And we end up lying to others and to ourselves to try and fulfil these needs.

But we are only in control of what we think of ourselves, of what resides between our ears and within our chests. And it may sound simple and easy, but the hardest thing a person can ever do, is to throw off the many layers of self-deception and stand, naked, in front of the proverbial mirror.

I’ve had to own up to a few lies I’ve told myself, about myself, about my life and the people in it. I’ve had to realise that these lies have had a very adverse effect on my personal growth and interpersonal relationships.

It takes more strength to show your vulnerability than to hide it. Loyalty is not a given with family. Being strong does not mean never asking for help. Friendships and relationships that are one-sided rarely cease to be so. I am never going to be skinny (I will always be curvy and soft, and that’s just another form of beauty).

Once I found the courage to admit certain truths, I opened myself up to a much better quality of life…I’ve weeded out the parasites in my life and transferred that energy into nurturing the people, thoughts and things that are good for me.

Don’t get me wrong – I still tell myself untruths (or rather, I still cannot admit certain truths to myself) – I am human, and very imperfect.

I am on a journey though, standing in front of the mirror, peeling back one layer at a time. And with each piece of self-deception I manage to discard, I continue to discover new depths to my potential.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Headphones

I really miss commuting on the bus. I’ve been driving for about a year now. The last three months though has put me off driving completely – I feel like I spend more time in my car than anywhere else, my travelling expenses have increased quite a bit, I’m becoming lax with managing a time schedule, and the fact that I have to think for stupid drivers on the road stresses me out.

My mornings used to be so calm and chilled. I’d wake up, pray, dress and leave home while it was still dark (particularly in winter). I live in a very beautiful city, in one of the more beautiful parts of the city, and my trip to work used to start off with a 20 minute walk to the bus station. It’s the part of the day I miss the most – just popping in my headphones as I leave my house.

A colleague of mine starts her day with affirmations. She pastes them on her mirror and recites them to herself every morning. Music was my affirmation. I had a playlist that I listened to every morning on my way to work. Some songs were funny, some very sexy, some inspired confidence. It ensured that I left home feeling great about myself and walked into my office smiling every morning.

My playlist has been transferred to my car stereo, and yet, it does not have quite the same effect. I pop my headphones in when I clean, when I exercise…and even with these activities, it’s not the same when there are no headphones involved.

My theory: when you plug them into your ears, you not only amplify the sound but you also block out the rest of the world – distractions, disappointments, discouragement, they are all drowned out by the beat in your ears, the lyrics that touch your soul, that give you confidence, make you laugh, give you energy, give you inspiration…

So, when I need to get through cleaning my car, forty minutes on the treadmill, or when I just need a pick me up or a break from life, I pop those little black buds in and get lost in the chosen soundtrack of my life.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Comment

“Opinions are like arse-holes – everyone has one.”

This expression never fails to make me laugh, and confirms the adage that many truths are spoken in jest.

Two very good friends of mine are writers too, and there is one particular point on which I differ with them – and that is on the subject of comment. I am always glad when someone shows me how I may improve on my expression – the two of them, however, feel like the critic is launching a personal attack on their ideals (one of them guards her words like she guards her children).

The one thing that I miss about my writing class is the critiques my lecturer gave on our pieces (yes, I’m odd like that). I will never forget, one of my class mates was ready to strangle the lecturer after we received our first assignment back, and I was quite happy for her to tell me what I might do to improve my writing.

Whether their chosen genre is fiction or non-fiction, realistic or fantastic, every writer hopes for one thing: and that is to inspire a reaction in the reader.

When I started this blog, almost five years ago now, my intention was for it to be a way for me to share my innermost thoughts with the world, in the hopes that the experiences of my life might inspire someone, somewhere. My writing has expanded somewhat in the last few years, and the most significant change has been where I draw my inspiration from. Writers discover new things about themselves all the time, constantly evolving and growing with each new piece.

THANK YOU, for those who do take the time to comment honestly. Most of the time, it is a learning experience for me. I do not expect everyone to agree with my opinions, nor do I expect everyone to like my writing style or topics. But, a criticism or disagreement is still a comment. A comment is a reaction, even if it is a bad one. And sometimes lessons are best learnt from our failures or mistakes or differences of opinion, than from our triumphs – this is how we grow.

So, it really disheartens me when no one comments on what I write. My best friend always tells me that comments are not always a good thing, or necessary – but to me it is. We are all students of life, and the people we meet, and inspire, and who inspire us – they contribute to our life-long learning. For me personally, comments from my readers contribute greatly to my growth as a writer – positive comments give me confidence, negative comments keep me grounded, and different opinions educate me.

I will admit, I am disappointed at not having been able to inspire many reactions thus far. But, I will keep at it, and explore other areas outside of my writing comfort zone, until I do.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Accountability

A few weeks ago, I had to leave work early to fetch my mother from the airport (she was coming home from a two-week trip overseas). My father was busy organising his life, as he was leaving for his trip a few days later, and my workplace is literally a ten minute drive from the airport.

In my haste to get to there on time, I bumped into a colleague’s car. I am not one to shirk responsibility, and so I called her out of her classroom to tell her.

I was barely driving, and all the damage my own car sustained was a paint scratch. Her fender, however, sustained a definite dent. Thankfully though, no other damage was done (by me, at any rate), and would be quick to fix. She, however, lost her shit completely (and while I understand her upset, I think the reaction was out of proportion to the offence).

I also offered to pay to fix what I damaged, even though she was illegally parked behind me (not in a parking bay).

I’ve tried to live my life by one fundamental rule, and that is to take responsibility for my actions. In this case though, it seems to be biting me in the ass, because this woman is dragging this process out and trying to extort me. It was an accident, and somehow she’s made me feel like I rammed into her car on purpose. I even contacted a mechanic to come out and assess the damage – who agreed to fix her car at a reasonable cost to me and at her convenience – and she responded by ignoring my messages, ignoring me at school and sending me obscene quotes for damages I was not responsible for.

I’ve been dealing with so many other difficult things, and her reaction just pushed my already high stress levels into unmanageable territory (this is probably why my hair is still falling out and why I can’t sleep).

This episode won’t make me break my rule though. There is a saying that says bad things happen to keep worse things away from you. I’ve been keeping that in mind, and in addition to living with a sense of accountability, I will also endeavour to be vigilant of those who will try to exploit it.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Death

I rather enjoyed participating in the A-Z challenge of last year, and decided that I would try and do one every year (for as long as the Almighty spares me, and preserves my mind and ability to write). However, I’ve decided to go about it in a different manner – instead of posting everything within a month and alphabetically, I will post a few a week, according to the themes present at the time…here we go...

I’ve lost two really good people so far this year.

The first was the Grandmother of one of my best friends. This lady treated me as one of her own, even though I didn’t see her much. I was always greeted with, “How are you, my child?” and she always inquired (kindly) whether I had an outjie (Afrikaans for 'boyfriend' - and was always lamenting on how stupid men were not to snatch me up). She was a strong woman, very feisty, but she was always proud of our achievements and of the kind of people we were. You always felt good about yourself when you were in her company, and I received more love, warmth and encouragement from her in the thirteen years I’ve known her, than I ever have from my own grandmother, whom I’ve known my whole life. My only regret is that I did not get to visit her while she was ill. Thankfully, I made it to her funeral and got to say my goodbye, and was able to be there for my friend and her family, even though it may have been only emotional and moral support.

The second person was my cousin. She was in her late sixties, only a few years younger than my mother (her mother is one of my mother’s older sisters), and lost a very short battle against terminal lung cancer. She is in almost every happy memory I have – she has been there for all of my siblings’ weddings (she was like a second mother to us), she helped everyone who needed it, even when she barely had enough for herself. She was very candid, stubborn, and sometimes a bit abrasive, but her heart was so big, and had room for everyone. She was always up for a laugh (had a droll sense of humour), but she was very principled and never condoned or covered up for injustice.

She went down fast during the last four weeks, and I think she held on just to see her baby get married a week and a half ago.

The past month, despite all of the difficulty, was amazing. We were all able to help her and her children make a wedding happen. When we went to visit her a few days ago, she could barely talk, and when I greeted her, she was half asleep. We sat at her bedside for a few minutes, reciting prayers, as she drifted in and out of consciousness, and during one of her lucid moments, she heard my voice. Even in her weakened, pained state, she turned and murmured my name with a smile. 
We helped where we could...and were able to be there for her as she always was for us.

Through her illness, her son’s wedding and her funeral, she managed to bring together our family. Family we have not seen or spoken to years. She made us re-evaluate our priorities, made us realise the stupidity of holding onto grudges and the importance of family, and brought out the best in us all. Her illness, and even her death, bonded our family.

Death is never easy, especially for those the deceased leave behind. But although I am sad at the loss of these two amazing ladies, I am grateful for what they have brought to my life and for the legacies they left me with...and the many lessons I've learnt from their deaths....

Innerstanding

"Innerstanding". A word much more appropriate, I think, than 'understanding' when it comes to oneself.
A word coined by a very intelligent lady, and stolen by another for the title of this poem...

https://inkyimpressions.wordpress.com/2016/02/09/innerstanding/

Move along little boy

2016 has been a good year so far. Work has been busy but good, there is peace in my home, I am not hungry or cold. I am extremely grateful for all my blessings.
But today I am going to bitch about little boys who refuse to grow up. A very juvenile individual managed to annoy the hell out of me yesterday.

I met this guy for the first time two years ago, and I thought he was nice - quiet, lovely manners, kinda good-looking, educated and working. I liked him, and could've seen myself married to a guy like him. Then I got to know him, and discovered that he was a little boy who spoke in grammatically incorrect riddles, liked attention and only sought me out when he was between girlfriends or having trouble with one of them. The attraction died a swift death after that.

I dedicate my ravings today to all you single gents out there (or gents, period) who have the good fortune to stumble upon this post:

Females are complicated beings. Which is why we are attracted to MEN who are straightforward and uncomplicated. Here are some things you should heed...

1. If you like a woman, tell her. If not, leave her alone. Don't bullshit her into confusion and then throw a tantrum when she doesn't give you the attention you want.
2. If there is a special woman in your life, don't sweet talk others. They also have feelings. Women were not put on this earth to boost your ego.
3. If a lady says no, it means NO. It is not code for "try harder".
4. Some ladies come with different circumstances, which might make it more difficult for you to "woo" her. If you really like her, you will find a way that works for her. If you don't think she's worth the effort, fine. Move on. Don't blame her for being difficult. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
5. If you have realised a lady's worth too late and she is no longer available (physically or emotionally), don't blame her. It's not her fault that you overslept.
6. If you have fucked up, have the balls to admit it. And if the lady has moved on, have the grace to let her do so peacefully.

If you disagree with the above, or have had different experiences, chances are that they were with girls. Boys attract girls.

MEN attract WOMEN.