A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Lies

Some may find this odd (or disturbing) but I do not trust a person who claims to be 100% truthful all the time (that is the biggest lie of all). We lie to deceive, we lie to impress, we lie to protect – ourselves and others. Some lies are harmless enough – when you tell a three-year old that their drawings are beautiful, your lie gives them confidence – and when, as in this case, the lie is used for unselfish reasons and harms no one, I can live with it. Most lies though, are dangerous, especially when they are borne from selfishness (as most lies are).

But the most dangerous…

The people we lie to the most are ourselves.

As humans, we all have opinions about each other, and it is a very human trait to want to be in control of what others think of us.

I read a post by a young author today, and he said something in particular reference to writers, but it is the paradox that applies to everyone: we all yearn to belong, and to be accepted, but we also want to stand out and be unique. And we end up lying to others and to ourselves to try and fulfil these needs.

But we are only in control of what we think of ourselves, of what resides between our ears and within our chests. And it may sound simple and easy, but the hardest thing a person can ever do, is to throw off the many layers of self-deception and stand, naked, in front of the proverbial mirror.

I’ve had to own up to a few lies I’ve told myself, about myself, about my life and the people in it. I’ve had to realise that these lies have had a very adverse effect on my personal growth and interpersonal relationships.

It takes more strength to show your vulnerability than to hide it. Loyalty is not a given with family. Being strong does not mean never asking for help. Friendships and relationships that are one-sided rarely cease to be so. I am never going to be skinny (I will always be curvy and soft, and that’s just another form of beauty).

Once I found the courage to admit certain truths, I opened myself up to a much better quality of life…I’ve weeded out the parasites in my life and transferred that energy into nurturing the people, thoughts and things that are good for me.

Don’t get me wrong – I still tell myself untruths (or rather, I still cannot admit certain truths to myself) – I am human, and very imperfect.

I am on a journey though, standing in front of the mirror, peeling back one layer at a time. And with each piece of self-deception I manage to discard, I continue to discover new depths to my potential.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Headphones

I really miss commuting on the bus. I’ve been driving for about a year now. The last three months though has put me off driving completely – I feel like I spend more time in my car than anywhere else, my travelling expenses have increased quite a bit, I’m becoming lax with managing a time schedule, and the fact that I have to think for stupid drivers on the road stresses me out.

My mornings used to be so calm and chilled. I’d wake up, pray, dress and leave home while it was still dark (particularly in winter). I live in a very beautiful city, in one of the more beautiful parts of the city, and my trip to work used to start off with a 20 minute walk to the bus station. It’s the part of the day I miss the most – just popping in my headphones as I leave my house.

A colleague of mine starts her day with affirmations. She pastes them on her mirror and recites them to herself every morning. Music was my affirmation. I had a playlist that I listened to every morning on my way to work. Some songs were funny, some very sexy, some inspired confidence. It ensured that I left home feeling great about myself and walked into my office smiling every morning.

My playlist has been transferred to my car stereo, and yet, it does not have quite the same effect. I pop my headphones in when I clean, when I exercise…and even with these activities, it’s not the same when there are no headphones involved.

My theory: when you plug them into your ears, you not only amplify the sound but you also block out the rest of the world – distractions, disappointments, discouragement, they are all drowned out by the beat in your ears, the lyrics that touch your soul, that give you confidence, make you laugh, give you energy, give you inspiration…

So, when I need to get through cleaning my car, forty minutes on the treadmill, or when I just need a pick me up or a break from life, I pop those little black buds in and get lost in the chosen soundtrack of my life.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Comment

“Opinions are like arse-holes – everyone has one.”

This expression never fails to make me laugh, and confirms the adage that many truths are spoken in jest.

Two very good friends of mine are writers too, and there is one particular point on which I differ with them – and that is on the subject of comment. I am always glad when someone shows me how I may improve on my expression – the two of them, however, feel like the critic is launching a personal attack on their ideals (one of them guards her words like she guards her children).

The one thing that I miss about my writing class is the critiques my lecturer gave on our pieces (yes, I’m odd like that). I will never forget, one of my class mates was ready to strangle the lecturer after we received our first assignment back, and I was quite happy for her to tell me what I might do to improve my writing.

Whether their chosen genre is fiction or non-fiction, realistic or fantastic, every writer hopes for one thing: and that is to inspire a reaction in the reader.

When I started this blog, almost five years ago now, my intention was for it to be a way for me to share my innermost thoughts with the world, in the hopes that the experiences of my life might inspire someone, somewhere. My writing has expanded somewhat in the last few years, and the most significant change has been where I draw my inspiration from. Writers discover new things about themselves all the time, constantly evolving and growing with each new piece.

THANK YOU, for those who do take the time to comment honestly. Most of the time, it is a learning experience for me. I do not expect everyone to agree with my opinions, nor do I expect everyone to like my writing style or topics. But, a criticism or disagreement is still a comment. A comment is a reaction, even if it is a bad one. And sometimes lessons are best learnt from our failures or mistakes or differences of opinion, than from our triumphs – this is how we grow.

So, it really disheartens me when no one comments on what I write. My best friend always tells me that comments are not always a good thing, or necessary – but to me it is. We are all students of life, and the people we meet, and inspire, and who inspire us – they contribute to our life-long learning. For me personally, comments from my readers contribute greatly to my growth as a writer – positive comments give me confidence, negative comments keep me grounded, and different opinions educate me.

I will admit, I am disappointed at not having been able to inspire many reactions thus far. But, I will keep at it, and explore other areas outside of my writing comfort zone, until I do.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Accountability

A few weeks ago, I had to leave work early to fetch my mother from the airport (she was coming home from a two-week trip overseas). My father was busy organising his life, as he was leaving for his trip a few days later, and my workplace is literally a ten minute drive from the airport.

In my haste to get to there on time, I bumped into a colleague’s car. I am not one to shirk responsibility, and so I called her out of her classroom to tell her.

I was barely driving, and all the damage my own car sustained was a paint scratch. Her fender, however, sustained a definite dent. Thankfully though, no other damage was done (by me, at any rate), and would be quick to fix. She, however, lost her shit completely (and while I understand her upset, I think the reaction was out of proportion to the offence).

I also offered to pay to fix what I damaged, even though she was illegally parked behind me (not in a parking bay).

I’ve tried to live my life by one fundamental rule, and that is to take responsibility for my actions. In this case though, it seems to be biting me in the ass, because this woman is dragging this process out and trying to extort me. It was an accident, and somehow she’s made me feel like I rammed into her car on purpose. I even contacted a mechanic to come out and assess the damage – who agreed to fix her car at a reasonable cost to me and at her convenience – and she responded by ignoring my messages, ignoring me at school and sending me obscene quotes for damages I was not responsible for.

I’ve been dealing with so many other difficult things, and her reaction just pushed my already high stress levels into unmanageable territory (this is probably why my hair is still falling out and why I can’t sleep).

This episode won’t make me break my rule though. There is a saying that says bad things happen to keep worse things away from you. I’ve been keeping that in mind, and in addition to living with a sense of accountability, I will also endeavour to be vigilant of those who will try to exploit it.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Death

I rather enjoyed participating in the A-Z challenge of last year, and decided that I would try and do one every year (for as long as the Almighty spares me, and preserves my mind and ability to write). However, I’ve decided to go about it in a different manner – instead of posting everything within a month and alphabetically, I will post a few a week, according to the themes present at the time…here we go...

I’ve lost two really good people so far this year.

The first was the Grandmother of one of my best friends. This lady treated me as one of her own, even though I didn’t see her much. I was always greeted with, “How are you, my child?” and she always inquired (kindly) whether I had an outjie (Afrikaans for 'boyfriend' - and was always lamenting on how stupid men were not to snatch me up). She was a strong woman, very feisty, but she was always proud of our achievements and of the kind of people we were. You always felt good about yourself when you were in her company, and I received more love, warmth and encouragement from her in the thirteen years I’ve known her, than I ever have from my own grandmother, whom I’ve known my whole life. My only regret is that I did not get to visit her while she was ill. Thankfully, I made it to her funeral and got to say my goodbye, and was able to be there for my friend and her family, even though it may have been only emotional and moral support.

The second person was my cousin. She was in her late sixties, only a few years younger than my mother (her mother is one of my mother’s older sisters), and lost a very short battle against terminal lung cancer. She is in almost every happy memory I have – she has been there for all of my siblings’ weddings (she was like a second mother to us), she helped everyone who needed it, even when she barely had enough for herself. She was very candid, stubborn, and sometimes a bit abrasive, but her heart was so big, and had room for everyone. She was always up for a laugh (had a droll sense of humour), but she was very principled and never condoned or covered up for injustice.

She went down fast during the last four weeks, and I think she held on just to see her baby get married a week and a half ago.

The past month, despite all of the difficulty, was amazing. We were all able to help her and her children make a wedding happen. When we went to visit her a few days ago, she could barely talk, and when I greeted her, she was half asleep. We sat at her bedside for a few minutes, reciting prayers, as she drifted in and out of consciousness, and during one of her lucid moments, she heard my voice. Even in her weakened, pained state, she turned and murmured my name with a smile. 
We helped where we could...and were able to be there for her as she always was for us.

Through her illness, her son’s wedding and her funeral, she managed to bring together our family. Family we have not seen or spoken to years. She made us re-evaluate our priorities, made us realise the stupidity of holding onto grudges and the importance of family, and brought out the best in us all. Her illness, and even her death, bonded our family.

Death is never easy, especially for those the deceased leave behind. But although I am sad at the loss of these two amazing ladies, I am grateful for what they have brought to my life and for the legacies they left me with...and the many lessons I've learnt from their deaths....