the end of something wonderful

I sit at my computer with a heavy heart this morning.
This evening will be the last lecture of my Journalist course before our exams next week.

The last four and a half months have been...I actually have no words to appropriately describe it.

Even after a long day at work, I looked forward to every class.
And it saddens me greatly that it is coming to an end.


I have met some amazing people.They have each left a lasting impression on me and collectively they have been responsible for a large part of my personal growth, as a professional, as a human being. But some of them have left a bigger impression, and it is to those that I dedicate my post today...

To Jean...'thanks' would be grossly insufficient to express the gratitude I feel for what you have unlocked in me the last four months. I thought I had a skill...you made me realise that it really is there and have shown me how to use it. May God give you the health and strength to continue to do for others what you have done for me...

To Alan...I've never been on a roller coaster, but I imagine it feels a lot like being lectured by you :)) and whether or not your complimentary remarks to me were honest or not (although I feel that they were) they have boosted by confidence and validated my abilities. Thank you.

To Gino...it took a while but you opened up. I missed you the times you were not in class because you bring a unique dimension to our classroom dynamic. Your mind is as fertile as the banks of the Nile, and your take on things are...uniquely yours :) Continue to pick up skills and improve...you have a great deal to offer the world through the written word. And I am flattered that you trust me to read what you've written :)

Finally, to Leonore and Caron
I am a firm believer that the Almighty sends certain people to you at certain times for specific reasons. I have begun to feel...undervalued and unappreciated in certain areas of my life. And the two of you have made me feel...special. You've made me see that I have things to offer the world that only I can. You've given me a hearing when I couldn't speak about things to anyone else....
And once again, 'thank you' hardly seems enough. I hope we will continue to be in each other's lives and that I may, in some way, be there for you as you have been for me.

Good and Bad deeds for the week

A dear friend was telling me that she had started writing again.
Of course, in my head and heart, I was doing Olympic level gymnastics at hearing this news. I have come to find that writing is very cathartic and sometimes putting a thought onto paper helps one greatly to deal with it.

She was telling me that she was trying to write everyday...and if nothing terribly exciting happened on a given day, she would simply pen her good deed and pen apologies for any bad deeds. It got me thinking...what a brilliant idea for any person to do! It will definitely make one conscious of one's behaviour towards others.

So...thus far my good deed for the week - helping a friend with some homework.
Bad deed - swearing at my children because they pushed me to my limit.

Must attempt to hold my tongue today, and try alternative methods of discipline.

Rejection

re·ject

  [v. ri-jekt; n. ree-jekt]

verb (used with object)

1.

to refuse to have, take, recognize, etc.: to reject the offer of a better job.

2.

to refuse to grant (a request, demand, etc.).

3.

to refuse to accept (someone or something); rebuff: The other children rejected him. The publisherrejected the author's latest novel.

4.

to discard as useless or unsatisfactory: The mind rejects painful memories.

5.

to cast out or eject; vomit.

Rejection is one of the most painful things a person can experience.

I have had many rejections and while I do not consider myself an expert on this matter, I do have a lot of experience with it.

Rejection can be divided into two main categories.

1. Direct/Open rejection. You are directly informed that someone has refused to grant you something, recognize or accept something. Most commonly experienced when applying for jobs, to schools, when you're a teenager and it comes to friends, etc. Stings like hell, when it happens. But, surprisingly, one tends to recover quickly from this kind of letdown.

2. Apathy/Aloofness/Indifference. Most commonly experienced with matters of the heart. In my humble opinion, this kind of rejection is the worst, as it takes an unnecessarily long time to recover from. Sometimes, you just don't recover from it.

I wish that people would learn to be direct. Directness is considered one of my many flaws, but I consider it to be one of my better qualities. I am learning the art of tact, but I still am honest with the people around me.

It is better to let someone know where they stand, rather than to let them wonder...

downville

A friend said to me two days ago, "You've been very down lately."
I have been.
I haven't been able to put my finger on what exactly has been bothering me, but while we were chatting (over the most delicious cup of coffee) my friend pointed it out to me.

The reasons for my funk are twofold.

Firstly, I miss my brother. Things are not better yet and I have come to the conclusion that it's bothering me more than I'd realised. What has made it worse is this: I spoke to my mom about it and I've told her that I miss him and the fact that things are not getting better fast enough for me is making me antsy. She told me that I couldn't fix things (which I know) and also that what I was feeling was directly linked to my ego. :-o
I felt so shit.

Secondly, I think my patience is running out with my matter of the heart.
Well, not my patience so much as... Here's the thing. I was asked for time. Okay, no problem, time is fine. I know you need to sort your life out and I completely respect and understand that.
In the mean time, while not laying it on thick, I am still trying to slowly get to know him.
My problem is that this is one-sided. He's not even trying to get to know me. He has not once asked me anything about myself and if the interest isn't there, well, then okay. BUT TELL ME. So that I know and so that I can grieve the loss/disappointment and move on. Don't ask me to give you time and then...nothing.

So, yeah.

1396

1396 Hits.

Whether you came across my whiny blog by accident or on purpose, thanks!
I am honoured that you took the time to read my ravings...and I hope that it has educated, inspired or entertained you in some way :))

Validation

This week, Alan Simmonds is guest lecturing my Journalism class. He is a renowned journalist and was a war correspondent in Vietnam - he is actually the one who first convened the course 30 odd years ago and he taught it for more than 20 of them. Recently, he has given over the teaching of this course to Mrs. Jean Knighton-Fitt, an excellent writer and author in her own right.

Jean has asked Alan to come and lecture us on the news reporting sections of our course, and two days ago, we started on accident reporting. I love his style of teaching - it is a bit intimidating at first when you're on the receiving end because he puts you on the spot and asks you questions, but effective because he engages you in the lecture, captures your attention for the entire duration of the class and forces you to think.

As exciting and informative as his lecture was, for me, that was not the highlight of the evening.
To cut a long story short, he basically offered to help me get an interview with which ever publication I'd like to work for once I've completed the course.

To say I was surprised would be a gross understatement. The cynic in me is thinking, "This man is not serious," and how could he be? As far as I know, he hasn't read anything I've written.
But the optimist in me is extremely flattered and, more importantly, I feel encouraged. Simply by engaging with me in one class, he recognises skills in me that I didn't know exist.

So, thank you Mr. Simmonds. A validation from you means a lot and has boosted my confidence considerably.

cheering myself up

Second day of the second term.
I'm happy to be back at work-I feel useless when I'm not doing something, so I try to keep busy.

Unfortunately, I think I'm finding myself in a bit of a rut. It would explain the copious amounts of chocolate I've been consuming for the last 2 weeks or so. I really don't know why I feel down. I cannot pinpoint one exact thing that is the cause of me feeling like this.

So, in an effort to cheer myself up (and if I can cheer you up, then cool), here goes...

Zoe and Wade

Tamina and Dastan

 

Jane and Rotchester

Lestat and Jesse

Term 1 - Post Mortem

Tomorrow is the end of the first school term and to say that it has been extremely busy would be an understatement.
I am sitting here and wondering how I managed my life for the last 3 months...

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and teenage years.
I really miss being a kid. Your biggest concern when you're a child is passing your exams and staying out of trouble.

And since I left school, life has just become increasingly complicated. Every year for the past 13 years, something has gone wrong or skew in my life, be it to a large or lesser degree. And there comes a moment after a trial, when you breathe a sigh of relief and you think to yourself, "the worst is over, nothing can be worse than this".
And something bad hits you soon after.

Where work is concerned, I feel like I'm coming to the end of a 3 month sprint. My working year started off with some major adjustments, and me being me, I am constantly in fear of making catastrophic mistakes. One of my superiors made me feel very appreciated though, as he thanked me for taking on my new responsibilities and executing them 'with aplomb'. However, no matter how well I do my work, I am always going to need little validations like that.

Personally, I feel like I've been through a bit of a car wreck. And no, it has nothing to do with this gentleman that I like... For the first time in a long time, it is as a result of conflict between my siblings.
My family has been my pillar of strength and solace throughout my entire life.
But things have happened and were said (things that cannot un-happen or be unsaid). They were difficult things and in some cases hurtful things. And while they were necessary, and have resulted in some much needed changes, I am fearful that we might not be able to recover from it.

My body, mind and soul is in serious need of soothing...I don't know whether 10 days will be enough.

Hart of Dixie

My sister has recently got me hooked on Hart of Dixie.
I've had season 1 for a while and never got round to watching it. My brother-in-law has been getting us updates on season 2 and so far we have twelve episodes.

Maybe its a good thing I waited so long to start watching it (well, wait is actually wrong, I just didn't have the time) because as soon as I started, I couldn't stop. I think I watched the whole first season in 2 nights.

And...fell completely in love with Wade Kinsella and even more in love with the idea of Wade and Zoe as a couple. The chemistry between the two of them virtually leaped off the screen since episode 1.
I screamed a resounding 'YES' with a fist pump and jumping on my bed when they eventually gave in to their attraction at the end of season 1.

And now...after episode 16, my heart is broken. Completely shattered.
Because my fantasy couple has broken up.

I fervently hope that the writers and producers engineers a reconciliation soon.

one of the most difficult things to take

One thing I do not know how to do, is take a compliment on my looks. It probably stems from being a tomboy my whole life that boys saw me as one of them, rather than someone they could possibly admire. And no, I am not fishing for compliments. I am comfortable enough with myself now, and can confidently say that although I will always try to improve myself, I have embraced my 'pros and cons'.

But it is always a surprise to me when someone finds me attractive and comments on it.
This morning on my walk to the bus terminus, a gentleman was talking to a cab driver through his window. He noticed me when I was probably about 5 meters away from him (or thereabouts) and as I was about to pass him, he said 'good morning'. I greeted back and moved past him, only to hear him say to the driver, "Gorgeous, hey?"

Me being me, I burst out laughing.