A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Headphones

I really miss commuting on the bus. I’ve been driving for about a year now. The last three months though has put me off driving completely – I feel like I spend more time in my car than anywhere else, my travelling expenses have increased quite a bit, I’m becoming lax with managing a time schedule, and the fact that I have to think for stupid drivers on the road stresses me out.

My mornings used to be so calm and chilled. I’d wake up, pray, dress and leave home while it was still dark (particularly in winter). I live in a very beautiful city, in one of the more beautiful parts of the city, and my trip to work used to start off with a 20 minute walk to the bus station. It’s the part of the day I miss the most – just popping in my headphones as I leave my house.

A colleague of mine starts her day with affirmations. She pastes them on her mirror and recites them to herself every morning. Music was my affirmation. I had a playlist that I listened to every morning on my way to work. Some songs were funny, some very sexy, some inspired confidence. It ensured that I left home feeling great about myself and walked into my office smiling every morning.

My playlist has been transferred to my car stereo, and yet, it does not have quite the same effect. I pop my headphones in when I clean, when I exercise…and even with these activities, it’s not the same when there are no headphones involved.

My theory: when you plug them into your ears, you not only amplify the sound but you also block out the rest of the world – distractions, disappointments, discouragement, they are all drowned out by the beat in your ears, the lyrics that touch your soul, that give you confidence, make you laugh, give you energy, give you inspiration…

So, when I need to get through cleaning my car, forty minutes on the treadmill, or when I just need a pick me up or a break from life, I pop those little black buds in and get lost in the chosen soundtrack of my life.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Comment

“Opinions are like arse-holes – everyone has one.”

This expression never fails to make me laugh, and confirms the adage that many truths are spoken in jest.

Two very good friends of mine are writers too, and there is one particular point on which I differ with them – and that is on the subject of comment. I am always glad when someone shows me how I may improve on my expression – the two of them, however, feel like the critic is launching a personal attack on their ideals (one of them guards her words like she guards her children).

The one thing that I miss about my writing class is the critiques my lecturer gave on our pieces (yes, I’m odd like that). I will never forget, one of my class mates was ready to strangle the lecturer after we received our first assignment back, and I was quite happy for her to tell me what I might do to improve my writing.

Whether their chosen genre is fiction or non-fiction, realistic or fantastic, every writer hopes for one thing: and that is to inspire a reaction in the reader.

When I started this blog, almost five years ago now, my intention was for it to be a way for me to share my innermost thoughts with the world, in the hopes that the experiences of my life might inspire someone, somewhere. My writing has expanded somewhat in the last few years, and the most significant change has been where I draw my inspiration from. Writers discover new things about themselves all the time, constantly evolving and growing with each new piece.

THANK YOU, for those who do take the time to comment honestly. Most of the time, it is a learning experience for me. I do not expect everyone to agree with my opinions, nor do I expect everyone to like my writing style or topics. But, a criticism or disagreement is still a comment. A comment is a reaction, even if it is a bad one. And sometimes lessons are best learnt from our failures or mistakes or differences of opinion, than from our triumphs – this is how we grow.

So, it really disheartens me when no one comments on what I write. My best friend always tells me that comments are not always a good thing, or necessary – but to me it is. We are all students of life, and the people we meet, and inspire, and who inspire us – they contribute to our life-long learning. For me personally, comments from my readers contribute greatly to my growth as a writer – positive comments give me confidence, negative comments keep me grounded, and different opinions educate me.

I will admit, I am disappointed at not having been able to inspire many reactions thus far. But, I will keep at it, and explore other areas outside of my writing comfort zone, until I do.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Accountability

A few weeks ago, I had to leave work early to fetch my mother from the airport (she was coming home from a two-week trip overseas). My father was busy organising his life, as he was leaving for his trip a few days later, and my workplace is literally a ten minute drive from the airport.

In my haste to get to there on time, I bumped into a colleague’s car. I am not one to shirk responsibility, and so I called her out of her classroom to tell her.

I was barely driving, and all the damage my own car sustained was a paint scratch. Her fender, however, sustained a definite dent. Thankfully though, no other damage was done (by me, at any rate), and would be quick to fix. She, however, lost her shit completely (and while I understand her upset, I think the reaction was out of proportion to the offence).

I also offered to pay to fix what I damaged, even though she was illegally parked behind me (not in a parking bay).

I’ve tried to live my life by one fundamental rule, and that is to take responsibility for my actions. In this case though, it seems to be biting me in the ass, because this woman is dragging this process out and trying to extort me. It was an accident, and somehow she’s made me feel like I rammed into her car on purpose. I even contacted a mechanic to come out and assess the damage – who agreed to fix her car at a reasonable cost to me and at her convenience – and she responded by ignoring my messages, ignoring me at school and sending me obscene quotes for damages I was not responsible for.

I’ve been dealing with so many other difficult things, and her reaction just pushed my already high stress levels into unmanageable territory (this is probably why my hair is still falling out and why I can’t sleep).

This episode won’t make me break my rule though. There is a saying that says bad things happen to keep worse things away from you. I’ve been keeping that in mind, and in addition to living with a sense of accountability, I will also endeavour to be vigilant of those who will try to exploit it.

A-Z Blogger Challenge 2016 - Death

I rather enjoyed participating in the A-Z challenge of last year, and decided that I would try and do one every year (for as long as the Almighty spares me, and preserves my mind and ability to write). However, I’ve decided to go about it in a different manner – instead of posting everything within a month and alphabetically, I will post a few a week, according to the themes present at the time…here we go...

I’ve lost two really good people so far this year.

The first was the Grandmother of one of my best friends. This lady treated me as one of her own, even though I didn’t see her much. I was always greeted with, “How are you, my child?” and she always inquired (kindly) whether I had an outjie (Afrikaans for 'boyfriend' - and was always lamenting on how stupid men were not to snatch me up). She was a strong woman, very feisty, but she was always proud of our achievements and of the kind of people we were. You always felt good about yourself when you were in her company, and I received more love, warmth and encouragement from her in the thirteen years I’ve known her, than I ever have from my own grandmother, whom I’ve known my whole life. My only regret is that I did not get to visit her while she was ill. Thankfully, I made it to her funeral and got to say my goodbye, and was able to be there for my friend and her family, even though it may have been only emotional and moral support.

The second person was my cousin. She was in her late sixties, only a few years younger than my mother (her mother is one of my mother’s older sisters), and lost a very short battle against terminal lung cancer. She is in almost every happy memory I have – she has been there for all of my siblings’ weddings (she was like a second mother to us), she helped everyone who needed it, even when she barely had enough for herself. She was very candid, stubborn, and sometimes a bit abrasive, but her heart was so big, and had room for everyone. She was always up for a laugh (had a droll sense of humour), but she was very principled and never condoned or covered up for injustice.

She went down fast during the last four weeks, and I think she held on just to see her baby get married a week and a half ago.

The past month, despite all of the difficulty, was amazing. We were all able to help her and her children make a wedding happen. When we went to visit her a few days ago, she could barely talk, and when I greeted her, she was half asleep. We sat at her bedside for a few minutes, reciting prayers, as she drifted in and out of consciousness, and during one of her lucid moments, she heard my voice. Even in her weakened, pained state, she turned and murmured my name with a smile. 
We helped where we could...and were able to be there for her as she always was for us.

Through her illness, her son’s wedding and her funeral, she managed to bring together our family. Family we have not seen or spoken to years. She made us re-evaluate our priorities, made us realise the stupidity of holding onto grudges and the importance of family, and brought out the best in us all. Her illness, and even her death, bonded our family.

Death is never easy, especially for those the deceased leave behind. But although I am sad at the loss of these two amazing ladies, I am grateful for what they have brought to my life and for the legacies they left me with...and the many lessons I've learnt from their deaths....

Innerstanding

"Innerstanding". A word much more appropriate, I think, than 'understanding' when it comes to oneself.
A word coined by a very intelligent lady, and stolen by another for the title of this poem...

https://inkyimpressions.wordpress.com/2016/02/09/innerstanding/

Move along little boy

2016 has been a good year so far. Work has been busy but good, there is peace in my home, I am not hungry or cold. I am extremely grateful for all my blessings.
But today I am going to bitch about little boys who refuse to grow up. A very juvenile individual managed to annoy the hell out of me yesterday.

I met this guy for the first time two years ago, and I thought he was nice - quiet, lovely manners, kinda good-looking, educated and working. I liked him, and could've seen myself married to a guy like him. Then I got to know him, and discovered that he was a little boy who spoke in grammatically incorrect riddles, liked attention and only sought me out when he was between girlfriends or having trouble with one of them. The attraction died a swift death after that.

I dedicate my ravings today to all you single gents out there (or gents, period) who have the good fortune to stumble upon this post:

Females are complicated beings. Which is why we are attracted to MEN who are straightforward and uncomplicated. Here are some things you should heed...

1. If you like a woman, tell her. If not, leave her alone. Don't bullshit her into confusion and then throw a tantrum when she doesn't give you the attention you want.
2. If there is a special woman in your life, don't sweet talk others. They also have feelings. Women were not put on this earth to boost your ego.
3. If a lady says no, it means NO. It is not code for "try harder".
4. Some ladies come with different circumstances, which might make it more difficult for you to "woo" her. If you really like her, you will find a way that works for her. If you don't think she's worth the effort, fine. Move on. Don't blame her for being difficult. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
5. If you have realised a lady's worth too late and she is no longer available (physically or emotionally), don't blame her. It's not her fault that you overslept.
6. If you have fucked up, have the balls to admit it. And if the lady has moved on, have the grace to let her do so peacefully.

If you disagree with the above, or have had different experiences, chances are that they were with girls. Boys attract girls.

MEN attract WOMEN.

Distraction or Source of Happiness?

Life is a journey. If I reflect upon my own journey so far, I've come to realise that I used to be very focused on a destination (or rather, lack thereof). So much so that I have not always appreciated the scenery along the way, nor some of the more profound experiences I've had. I have not always been able to see the lessons from whatever trial I may have faced, even worse, I have not always dealt with my trials in an effective way.

I would like to think though, that as I've gotten older and had a little more life experience under my belt, that I have been trying to change the way I approach and deal with difficulty. As I've said before, I am human, and therefore do not always succeed in this endeavour. But after a set-back, I pick myself up and carry on,

One thing in particular, which I've discovered works very well for me, is trying to focus on what makes me happy. Seems simple enough, right?
Wrong.
As it turns out, it took me quite a while to figure out that a lot of the things I thought made me happy were simply distractions. It took quite a bit of introspection, asking some hard questions of myself, before I could give even part of an answer to the question, "What makes me happy?"
I think as we go on, as we experience more, as people enter into and exit from our lives, as the world changes, as we change, so too will this answer.

This has been my thought for the last few weeks - an essential step in navigating the storms of one's life is being able to figure out and know what makes one truly happy, And for us to be able to take this step, we should always be aware of and accepting of the truth, that as we evolve, so too will our sources of true happiness.

Indifference

It's been two months since I've posted anything on my blog. And goodness knows, so much has happened in that time, that I should have enough material to bitch about for a solid year.

It's been an emotional roller coaster for me. Ever since I allowed myself to unlock my emotional side it's been as though I cannot not react to any kind of emotional stimuli - so much so that any feelings that I may have considered trivial or inconsequential in the past now feel amplified.

I was leaning towards a very direction before I started writing this post. Despite the extreme highs and lows over the last two months, I have been dealing with it much better than I would have in the past, and I feel the need to share it. Which I will do at a later stage. But then I read the latest post off a friend's blog, and it spoke to something very close to my heart.

"The indifferent person tends to have a neutral very amicable personality. Never ruffle feathers always pleasant because either …or…it doesn’t matter. People on the outside will see this person as calm and well-balanced. But they are seemingly well-balanced because all the hard decisions are made by the other person…the one that seems to be losing their shit for no reason at all."

I am in a very difficult emotional situation right now with a person I am very close to. This person occupies a very big space in my heart and has been going through so much in their own life (as have I, but really it's nothing compared to theirs), and I think our respective difficulties has placed a strain on our friendship. 

I have been told in the past (by family and others) that I am tactless and reactionary, and for a while I have been trying to be the opposite. I am fully aware that I have the ability to hurt people with the things that I say and sometimes the way that I say them. I am a very big advocate now, for trying to be balanced and calm, even in the face of extreme difficulty. Realistically, yes, it is not always possible. We are human, and therefore imperfect, We are going to react (sometimes really badly). We will err more often than we'd like to. And that's okay. But we should continue trying to be and do better.

However, reading the post that the above quote comes from has made me ask myself: Is my attempt at being tactful and level-headed making things worse? Am I coming across as indifferent?

Dangerous Minds

Our school is having a concert to commemorate and celebrate its forty year existence. For the past three months, I've worked to children's clapping, stomping and singing...and my office colleague and I find ourselves singing along to the music, even when we're not in school.
One of the acts is done to Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise". You're probably thinking what a morbid song to have kids perform to, but it is something that more than half of our kids have to deal with in their areas. It also happens to be the theme song of one of my favourite movies.

I think I became a teacher because of Dangerous Minds (for those living under a rock or born post 2000, it is a movie that centers around a new teacher who makes a big difference in the lives of a class of students). I was lying in front of the TV the other day and it was playing on one of the movie channels, and I don't know whether it was just pms or whatever, but I cried at the part where Louanne Johnson's students persuade her to stay at their school because she was their 'light'.

I find myself in a similar situation as Michelle Pfeiffer's character right now, as I have made the decision to leave my school at the end of the year. I haven't been in a classroom for the last year and a half, but I've still managed to foster relationships with the students. So many of them though come from really difficult home situations and live in the ghettos of Cape Town. They're exposed to violence, drugs, abuse...much like the children in Ms Johnson's class (except that these kids are small and it's about more than half of the school).
I'm not going to lie - some of these kids bug the hell out of me, especially the ones with attitudes and no manners. But more often than not, they have this ability to steal my heart.

Through my interactions, I've tried to instill manners and discipline in them (which I feel is very important), but I've also tried to nurture them - whether it was by co-ordinating students to write for the annual school magazine or fortnightly newsletter, playing netball with the senior team to help get them match fit, nursing their scrapes when they come to the office, or stopping to receive their hugs in the corridors.

I have my reasons for leaving. I have to start living my life, and doing things that make me happy. Change is as good as a holiday they say, but it is very scary. I am, however, more confident in my ability to navigate the unknown, and I am very happy to be leaving many of my colleagues behind.

But if I'm honest, I'm not looking forward to the sadness I know I will feel the day I have to say good-bye to my children.

Brave

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody's been there,
Everybody's been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don't run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won't do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave