Intolerance

I read a very interesting post on intolerance (https://musingsfromameanderingmind.wordpress.com/2014/12/31/intolerance-and-the-imitation-game/).

The author makes very valid statements on the level of intolerance prevalent in our world today. It seems to me that as we progress materially, we regress in terms of our humanity. And in this particular post, the sentence that resonated most with me was, "I'm human. And so is the rest of the world, but that doesn't mean we can't take a step back, put our shortsightedness, stupidity and cruelty in perspective and allow folks to live their lives without our values being imposed on them, or theirs imposed on us".

The whole piece, and the above quote in particular, for me, nails the major problem we face in the world today.
But from my standpoint, what the world has become intolerant of disturbs me.

If I take myself as an example: I am an adult female, born into a Muslim family. I did not always conduct my life in perfect accordance to my faith, but have reached a point where I decided that I want to be a Muslim, and that I was going to make a bigger effort to be a better Muslim.

I do not date, because courtship is prohibited in my faith.
I dress very modestly and wear my headscarf.
I do not drink, do drugs, fornicate with strangers outside of marriage and I will never entertain even the thought of homosexuality.

Now, people are going to read this and probably want to pitch me off the nearest building, because it goes against societal norms (these days, at least).
They will probably fail to see that these are my choices. They probably won't ask me why I made those choices. And they probably won't see that while I live my life a certain way, I don't publicly persecute or ridicule people who have chosen a different lifestyle. I am not about to abuse someone because they have a girlfriend/boyfriend, dress provocatively or because they're gay. And I'm not going to force them to live the way that I live.

I cannot speak for all who share my kind of lifestyle, but I can speak for myself.
My life choices are for my own peace of mind, for the contentment of my heart, for my protection and for the protection of society from mistakes that I may make.
I am healthy. I am happy. I am safe and I haven't endangered anyone in the 32 years I've walked this earth...and I hope that this will make you a little more tolerant of me.

Things I wish I'd heeded earlier

My sister once said, "I don't have regrets. Regret means that you're doubting the plan that God has for you." Words I have tried to live by, since the day she spoke them. Yes, you make choices in your life...but so many things have happened in my life that leaves me with no doubt that it is guided by a Supreme Hand.

However, I am human.
I err, and try to make amends, and err again. And sometimes, just when I think I have a good handle on some difficult thing I've had to learn, I mess up again.
When you're a child, you forget and bounce back quickly. When you're a teenager, you don't forget - you do, ignore advice and repeat. As an adult, your mistakes affect you, sometimes for longer than they should. And with this comes lots of introspection.

The following are things I wish I'd listened to and heeded much earlier in my life (and some I wish someone would have warned me about at all)...

1. Growing pains is 10% physical and 90% emotional.

2. Guys and girls can never just be friends.

3. Having tact and a filter is very beneficial to your health.

4. Silence is not always golden.

Withdrawal

I tried a little experiment yesterday, with the intention of going on a few days detox: no starch, more fresh fruit and vegetables (which I love actually), more water, but no coffee.

BIG MISTAKE.

When I got home at four, I couldn't keep my eyes open and my head was ready to burst.

So, I am officially a caffeine addict, suffering withdrawal.

“You don’t have to be part of a couple to be happy, you know.”

My mother is undoubtedly one of my biggest blessings. We are the products of an Indian father and Cape Malay mother; but she raised us according to values and ethics of our religion, and not either of the cultural norms of either Indian or Cape Malay society. She relentlessly encouraged us to seek knowledge, to embrace our heritage and discard culture when it contravened faith, but to always be respectful and tolerant of those who lived unwaveringly by it. The society I was born into has a tendency to confuse cultural practices with religious law – and I am eternally grateful to my mother for always reminding us to separate the two.

One cultural ‘ideal’ that I am uncomfortable with is the ‘duty’ of a young woman to marry at a certain point in her life. Women are measured by their marital status, and are somehow considered lacking or incomplete when they are found to be unattached.

I am a Muslim. I may not always succeed at performing my religious duties perfectly, but I always try – it is a lifelong journey – and I am in complete agreement with the importance that Islamic Law places on the institution of marriage. It is a most sacred and, for those who are fortunate enough to have a partner in life and who put in the work, a most beautiful state.

However. I am an educated woman. I make an honest living and contribute positively to my family and society. I am a dutiful daughter to my parents, a supportive and loving sister to my ten siblings and a firm yet fun aunt to twenty one. I have no criminal record, I don’t drink or do drugs and I am not promiscuous. I have the ability and skill to excel at almost anything I attempt.

And what annoys me to no end is that when people look at me, all they see is that I am the only one of my siblings still single.

Happiness comes in many forms.

I am healthy. I am loved – not by many, but unconditionally by some. I am able to work and I am able to enjoy life. I live in safety, and with the freedom to conduct my life as it suits me.

I am blessed. And regardless of my single status, I am happy.

The best version

At the age of thirty, I hit a brick wall – which had nothing to do with age (I am inordinately grateful for every year I am granted to spend in this life).

The brick wall was the culmination of years of bad habits from those who should know better, which ended in a catastrophe. A catastrophe that exposed many things for all who were involved.
The thing that was exposed for me: gross self-neglect.

The wonderful thing about hitting rock bottom is that there’s only two paths you can take – you can stay there, or you can go up. The choice is up to you as an individual.

I needed to choose to look after myself.

Not many people are aware of my struggles the last two years. However, everyone can see the changes, and frequently comment on it, whether it is related to my speech or actions, and more particularly, my appearance. I’ve lost some weight and acquired some grooming habits. I have discovered new passions, acquired some new skills, and now, I am happy with the person who gets up every morning, and cope better with the challenges I have to face.

I made a few small changes to my life and it translated into quite a transformation.

My colleagues are always asking me the reason for my transformation, and I’ve tried to answer them as truthfully as possible but have never felt like I’ve answered them properly. Jennifer Elisabeth has said it the best:

“I want to be the best version of myself for anyone who is going to someday walk into my life and need someone to love them beyond reason.”

Thankful for my infinite blessings

The school I work for services a very large portion of children who come from very impoverished areas, and so we are fortunate enough to be part of two initiatives: the Peninsula School Feeding Scheme and the Kellogg's Breakfast program. Both of these organisations send food and cereal on a weekly and monthly basis, so that we can ensure that our children don't have to learn with a hungry tummy.
Two days ago we celebrated World Food Day. The people at the Kellogg's BP brought Cindy Nel, a former Miss South Africa and model, to come and assist our kitchen ladies in serving breakfast to our kids.
There were photographers and journalists and the morning was quite festive, and the looks on the faces of the children made me think about my life.

It is so ingrained in us to complain and to find fault with anything and everything around us.
I have never gone to bed hungry. I have always had a roof over my head and have slept in a bed my whole life. My parents gave me a proper education-I didn't have to work for it myself. I am healthy, and able to work and contribute to my community.

Canada and the US celebrate Thanksgiving in October and November respectively, and although I am not an American or Canadian, I think it is a very good idea to reflect on all the good in one's life and to give thanks to the Almighty for it. This week, Thursday past in particular made me realize that I have nothing to complain about and I have so much to be thankful for.

The Road to Self-Discovery is often Winding

Something that has worried me for a long time has been my lack of passion for, well, anything (except for unattainable things like Tom Hiddleston).

When I was at school, the only thing that interested me was sports. I enjoyed math, tolerated languages and HATED sciences. When the time came for us to apply to colleges and universities, I didn't know which career path I wanted to pursue.
I flunked my first year miserably for choosing something that someone else told me I was good at but that I had no interest in at all.

Eventually, I settled on a field of study that would enable me to work. To my astonishment, I excelled (which just goes to show that one needs strong enough motivation to succeed at anything - even if you're not passionate about it).
I've worked a few jobs now. And I take my work very seriously - either you give 100% or you quit.
But work has been simply a means to make a living (often for the benefit of others), and has not...well, touched my soul in any major way.

Last year, the Journalism course I took was a reaction to stress - caused by some unnecessary, and hectic family drama. I had such low expectations of myself when I started it but found, to my continuing surprise, that I had somewhat of an affinity with words.
Strangely enough, that writing course together with the conflict has led me to explore and experience a number of new things over the last twenty months: from managing websites to coordinating our school publication, writing fiction and editing books. More importantly, it has given me an avenue for expression and illuminated a path which will allow my work to satisfy my soul.

It took many twists and some unsuspecting turns...but I am, at long last, discovering myself.

Growth

My best friend and I got into an argument. Thinking about it now, I cannot really say exactly how it came about, but it was the first one we've ever had (we've been friends for about 5 years now) and it was quite an epic one - and quite naturally, it was upsetting and uncomfortable.
One thing I am grateful for is that it happened over e-mail (which is one of our preferred means of communication - after being in each other's company, of course). I don't know whether I would have handled it, had the things that came to light been said in person.
In retrospect, the argument was a good thing in many ways.
It forced us to be completely honest (especially regarding things that are difficult to say); it forced us to recognize each other's flaws and short-comings (within the 'perfection' of our friendship); more than all of that though, it confirmed, for me at least, the authenticity and sincerity of our friendship.
And I am happy that despite my upset, I handled it more maturely than I may have before.

Agree to disagree - agreeably?

I open a newspaper every so often, and naturally, the Palestinian/Israeli conflict is most featured, and most commented on.
I am very disappointed in one of our publications - the one I read most often - because of the comments they have printed. This conflict somehow, in addition to splitting the world into two camps, has brought out the best in some, and the worst in others. Everyone is emotional about it. And why would they not be - children dying goes against the laws of nature, and dying in this manner...even worse, against the laws of humanity.

I wrote the following letter to the newspaper, expressing my views on the subject as well as my displeasure at the sensationalist comments they were printing.

My heart bleeds again for the attacks that have resumed in Gaza. Another child dead. More civilians dead.
What upsets me even more is opening the comment section of the newspaper, and having to read letters or sms comments that attack people for their opinions on this conflict.
I am disappointed in the publication for giving sensationalists a platform. All that it does is breed more intolerance and hatred, and clouds the truth.
Here are the facts: for the last month, the civilians of Gaza have been under unprovoked attacks from the Israeli government. More than 2000 people have died, of those, an alarming amount of women and children. Borders have been closed, so people cannot leave the country to save their lives. Aid from other countries has also been blocked.
This conflict has long ceased to be religious - and if you still think it is, then you are blinded by your own racism.
This conflict is about Israel denying Palestine's right to exist and denying the people of Gaza their basic human rights.

I did not attack any person or religion. I gave my opinion, based on what I have seen on the news and read in newspapers. I implored people to look at the situation for what it is - a gross violation of basic human rights.
My letter was published. I was happy, because many people would read it. For the rest of the week, the publication printed responses to my letter: the following are from two 'gentlemen':

"Yes, another child has been killed, found burnt and dumped, right here in South Africa. One of many in this crime-ravaged country of ours. Maybe voicing your concerns over our own children, rather than your own hatred for Israel, would help clean our own backyard. Or is a local child worth less than a Palestinian one?"

"It is not racism - it is the reality of life. You obviously have not followed the news too well. Israel was provoked by the firing of rockets from Gaza. They only retaliated when those Hamas cowards fired rockets from civilian neighbourhoods. In future, take off your burka and get your facts straight."

I am human, and naturally I was offended and angry (especially at the second remark). However, I told myself that to respond immediately would be to respond to the anger I felt, which would make me the same as that gentleman, if not worse. I didn't write that letter to offend anyone, and I was not going to start now.

But I cannot leave that unanswered.
So, even though they might not see it on here, I will respond. And those of you who do read this, who may be like-minded to those gentlemen, I hope that you will take heed of the next few lines.

I know that many people do not share my opinion - that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I have no expectation that everyone should share my opinion nor wish to deny people freedom of expression.
I have a problem with people resorting to disgusting comments like the ones in red above.
Don't assume to know about my life.
Don't assume to know whom I hate and do not hate.
And lastly, don't speak about racism and in the same breath make racist comments to a person you do not know.

Friendships vs Relationships

Two weeks ago I was asked this question: What makes a friendship different from a romantic relationship?

It made me think of every significant relationship I've ever had. By societal conventions, they probably don't classify as relationships - I've never been on a date, never experienced physical intimacy with a man - but to me they were. If I've given you my heart and you've given me yours, we're in a relationship.

With all of my relationships with people - be it platonic or romantic - my default setting is to give all of myself. I am supportive, nurturing, caring; I love so completely; I am always honest but always focus on the best in people. I have a talent, I think, for making people feel really good about themselves. I've approached all of my friendships and romantic endeavors in this way.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me, the only difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship is the sexual element. 

If I look back at all of the guys I've been interested in, I come to the following conclusion:
To get their attention, I overstated my tomboyishness - I love sports, never cared for grooming, wasn't overly sensitive or squeamish like most girls. It worked. I got their attention - and became "one of the guys". Even now, were I to be completely honest, I would admit that I still prefer the company of men. I am a tomboy. Part of me is always going to be that.

However, I am not male. All the female insecurities and sensibilities that I've tried to silence for the last two decades are there...and louder than they ever were. I've also realized that at this age, when you prefer the company of men, they will label you as either one of the guys or a whore. And I am neither. 

I've always prided myself one being the best friend any one could have...
But more than that, inside of me lies the potential to be the best lover and companion a guy could ever ask for.
Every guy who's been in my life took happily what I gave...and gave me nothing substantial in return. Instead, they left me with scars, scars I didn't even see were there, and a feeling of being unworthy of love.

I've made the decision, unconsciously at first but now consciously, to refrain from friendships with males - unless I have an ulterior romantic motive.

My challenge is to SHOW the possibilities of what could be if they commit to me, but to withhold the commitment until a proper proposition is made from them.

This challenge is slightly more difficult for me because I'm trying to conduct every aspect of my life according to my religion. Following the orders from my Creator takes preference over my own desires - and so I have to rise to this challenge without contravening Divine law. I think this awareness has largely contributed to me curbing my naturally flirtatious nature when it comes to men.

But...that's it. I am done being only your friend.

Take note gentlemen: if you want ANY part of me, you will have to take ALL of me.