The Road to Self-Discovery is often Winding

Something that has worried me for a long time has been my lack of passion for, well, anything (except for unattainable things like Tom Hiddleston).

When I was at school, the only thing that interested me was sports. I enjoyed math, tolerated languages and HATED sciences. When the time came for us to apply to colleges and universities, I didn't know which career path I wanted to pursue.
I flunked my first year miserably for choosing something that someone else told me I was good at but that I had no interest in at all.

Eventually, I settled on a field of study that would enable me to work. To my astonishment, I excelled (which just goes to show that one needs strong enough motivation to succeed at anything - even if you're not passionate about it).
I've worked a few jobs now. And I take my work very seriously - either you give 100% or you quit.
But work has been simply a means to make a living (often for the benefit of others), and has not...well, touched my soul in any major way.

Last year, the Journalism course I took was a reaction to stress - caused by some unnecessary, and hectic family drama. I had such low expectations of myself when I started it but found, to my continuing surprise, that I had somewhat of an affinity with words.
Strangely enough, that writing course together with the conflict has led me to explore and experience a number of new things over the last twenty months: from managing websites to coordinating our school publication, writing fiction and editing books. More importantly, it has given me an avenue for expression and illuminated a path which will allow my work to satisfy my soul.

It took many twists and some unsuspecting turns...but I am, at long last, discovering myself.

Growth

My best friend and I got into an argument. Thinking about it now, I cannot really say exactly how it came about, but it was the first one we've ever had (we've been friends for about 5 years now) and it was quite an epic one - and quite naturally, it was upsetting and uncomfortable.
One thing I am grateful for is that it happened over e-mail (which is one of our preferred means of communication - after being in each other's company, of course). I don't know whether I would have handled it, had the things that came to light been said in person.
In retrospect, the argument was a good thing in many ways.
It forced us to be completely honest (especially regarding things that are difficult to say); it forced us to recognize each other's flaws and short-comings (within the 'perfection' of our friendship); more than all of that though, it confirmed, for me at least, the authenticity and sincerity of our friendship.
And I am happy that despite my upset, I handled it more maturely than I may have before.

Agree to disagree - agreeably?

I open a newspaper every so often, and naturally, the Palestinian/Israeli conflict is most featured, and most commented on.
I am very disappointed in one of our publications - the one I read most often - because of the comments they have printed. This conflict somehow, in addition to splitting the world into two camps, has brought out the best in some, and the worst in others. Everyone is emotional about it. And why would they not be - children dying goes against the laws of nature, and dying in this manner...even worse, against the laws of humanity.

I wrote the following letter to the newspaper, expressing my views on the subject as well as my displeasure at the sensationalist comments they were printing.

My heart bleeds again for the attacks that have resumed in Gaza. Another child dead. More civilians dead.
What upsets me even more is opening the comment section of the newspaper, and having to read letters or sms comments that attack people for their opinions on this conflict.
I am disappointed in the publication for giving sensationalists a platform. All that it does is breed more intolerance and hatred, and clouds the truth.
Here are the facts: for the last month, the civilians of Gaza have been under unprovoked attacks from the Israeli government. More than 2000 people have died, of those, an alarming amount of women and children. Borders have been closed, so people cannot leave the country to save their lives. Aid from other countries has also been blocked.
This conflict has long ceased to be religious - and if you still think it is, then you are blinded by your own racism.
This conflict is about Israel denying Palestine's right to exist and denying the people of Gaza their basic human rights.

I did not attack any person or religion. I gave my opinion, based on what I have seen on the news and read in newspapers. I implored people to look at the situation for what it is - a gross violation of basic human rights.
My letter was published. I was happy, because many people would read it. For the rest of the week, the publication printed responses to my letter: the following are from two 'gentlemen':

"Yes, another child has been killed, found burnt and dumped, right here in South Africa. One of many in this crime-ravaged country of ours. Maybe voicing your concerns over our own children, rather than your own hatred for Israel, would help clean our own backyard. Or is a local child worth less than a Palestinian one?"

"It is not racism - it is the reality of life. You obviously have not followed the news too well. Israel was provoked by the firing of rockets from Gaza. They only retaliated when those Hamas cowards fired rockets from civilian neighbourhoods. In future, take off your burka and get your facts straight."

I am human, and naturally I was offended and angry (especially at the second remark). However, I told myself that to respond immediately would be to respond to the anger I felt, which would make me the same as that gentleman, if not worse. I didn't write that letter to offend anyone, and I was not going to start now.

But I cannot leave that unanswered.
So, even though they might not see it on here, I will respond. And those of you who do read this, who may be like-minded to those gentlemen, I hope that you will take heed of the next few lines.

I know that many people do not share my opinion - that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I have no expectation that everyone should share my opinion nor wish to deny people freedom of expression.
I have a problem with people resorting to disgusting comments like the ones in red above.
Don't assume to know about my life.
Don't assume to know whom I hate and do not hate.
And lastly, don't speak about racism and in the same breath make racist comments to a person you do not know.

Friendships vs Relationships

Two weeks ago I was asked this question: What makes a friendship different from a romantic relationship?

It made me think of every significant relationship I've ever had. By societal conventions, they probably don't classify as relationships - I've never been on a date, never experienced physical intimacy with a man - but to me they were. If I've given you my heart and you've given me yours, we're in a relationship.

With all of my relationships with people - be it platonic or romantic - my default setting is to give all of myself. I am supportive, nurturing, caring; I love so completely; I am always honest but always focus on the best in people. I have a talent, I think, for making people feel really good about themselves. I've approached all of my friendships and romantic endeavors in this way.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me, the only difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship is the sexual element. 

If I look back at all of the guys I've been interested in, I come to the following conclusion:
To get their attention, I overstated my tomboyishness - I love sports, never cared for grooming, wasn't overly sensitive or squeamish like most girls. It worked. I got their attention - and became "one of the guys". Even now, were I to be completely honest, I would admit that I still prefer the company of men. I am a tomboy. Part of me is always going to be that.

However, I am not male. All the female insecurities and sensibilities that I've tried to silence for the last two decades are there...and louder than they ever were. I've also realized that at this age, when you prefer the company of men, they will label you as either one of the guys or a whore. And I am neither. 

I've always prided myself one being the best friend any one could have...
But more than that, inside of me lies the potential to be the best lover and companion a guy could ever ask for.
Every guy who's been in my life took happily what I gave...and gave me nothing substantial in return. Instead, they left me with scars, scars I didn't even see were there, and a feeling of being unworthy of love.

I've made the decision, unconsciously at first but now consciously, to refrain from friendships with males - unless I have an ulterior romantic motive.

My challenge is to SHOW the possibilities of what could be if they commit to me, but to withhold the commitment until a proper proposition is made from them.

This challenge is slightly more difficult for me because I'm trying to conduct every aspect of my life according to my religion. Following the orders from my Creator takes preference over my own desires - and so I have to rise to this challenge without contravening Divine law. I think this awareness has largely contributed to me curbing my naturally flirtatious nature when it comes to men.

But...that's it. I am done being only your friend.

Take note gentlemen: if you want ANY part of me, you will have to take ALL of me.

Simplify

As we come to the end of Ramadhan, it is always good to reflect on the past month and what lessons we can take from it going forward.

The school I work for was very fortunate to have been part of something truly amazing and beautiful this year. Our headmaster was approached by a group of philanthropists and asked whether they could run a food kitchen from our school premises for every night of the fast - so that they could invite the less fortunate families in the area for a meal.

A colleague remarked to me today that this month made her more aware of certain realities. Things we are aware of, but maybe not very consciously so. And she said to me that through this endeavour, and through witnessing the atrocities being committed in Gaza, it really hit home how bad some of these families' circumstances were, and what extremely privileged lives we lead.

It echoed what I have been feeling for a very long time...that our lives are a luxury compared to many others. Do we really need half of the things we have? Do we have the right to complain? About anything?

I will keep asking myself these questions.

And my intention going forward, bearing in mind that there are hoards of people with so much less than I have, is to try and simplify my life as much as possible...and to be inordinately grateful for all that I have.

Well Done Chile!

https://twitter.com/Ian56789/status/491541198096437250

Well done Chile!
As always, a South American country is willing to do what no one else will...the right thing.

Gaza - Humanitarian crime at its worst

I am not one to watch the news. However, the situation in Gaza is absolutely shocking and prompted me to do some research into what sparked this particular episode in the ongoing conflict between Israel and Palestine.

I found that this was caused by allegations that three Israeli teenagers were kidnapped and murdered by Palestinians (or Hamas). To my understanding, no concrete evidence was found to verify this allegation. The result of what ensued stands thus:
More than 220 deaths and almost 2000 seriously injured - 1 death and 4 injuries in Israel and the rest in Palestine, of which an alarming amount are children.

Now, as a Muslim, I am appalled at the atrocities being inflicted on my Palestinian brothers and sisters. Make no mistake, I would be equally appalled if there were any Israeli child-victims (and I am sincerely grateful that there aren't any).
But what disgusts me even more is that the world is placing blame instead of addressing the red elephant in the room: children are dying unnecessarily. This is not simply political or religious conflict - this is humanitarian crime at its worst.
The world was up in arms when Hitler massacred thousands of innocent and defenseless people. Is this not what Israel is doing now?
And whether you are a Muslim or a Jew, pro-Israeli or pro-Palestine, NOTHING justifies killing children.

To the US and UN - by standing by and doing nothing, when you have the power to prevent further conflict, you are enabling and supporting war and humanitarian crimes. The blood of these innocent people and children are on your hands.

I do...

This post is dedicated to my new Twuddies (Twitter Buddies)... @HiddlesTigress @Debsloth1 @S_Absolem @tomschesthairs @HiddlesEducates @KGullic @HiddlestonedZ

It's nice to know I am not alone in my quirks...and despite the fact that our initial contact was through our shared obsession with Tom, it is really nice getting to know 'real' things about all of you :)

I do, indeed, cherish you all :))

Making peace with certain realities

I read a blog post on this lady who is having some trouble with finding the right guy (sista, you ain't the only one with that problem).

The following was a comment I left..and I hope it helped somewhat.

What I have made peace with regarding men….

1. Check lists - My signal for when a guy has managed to attract me is, literally, a gut feeling…seismic activity in my belly, and sometimes triggered by someone who has none of the qualities on my ‘check list’…so much so, that the only thing on my check list right now is “Causes seismic activity belly”. Check-lists are for children.

2. Learn to love yourself…it shows (and no, not in the annoying, I-am-so-perfect-whats-not-to-love way)...Others will see it (hopefully the right ones) and respond to it..

3. Multi-faceted - It may not be in God’s plan for your to experience that kind of love in this life. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s so much more to ourselves than we realise... And while we may not be someone's girlfriend or wife, we are so many things to so many different people...in roles that are equally as, if not more important. Embrace and be proud of what you are right now!

Having said all of the above, it would be lovely to love someone and be loved in return, so do not be afraid to ask Him for what you want…

Who knows, you just might get it

small things that make life beautiful

For the past two weeks, I've been having random experiences...

We took our netball girls for a fixture at a very poor school in a dangerous neighbouring area. Not only were we well received, after all the matches were done, the educators of the school offered our learners and educators oranges. A small gesture, but our learners were so touched...and even scolded us for not doing the same.

The following day, one of the learners in the above mentioned squad came to the office and brought me a packet of naartjies...all because I mentioned the previous day that they were my favourite citrus fruit.

On my walk from the bus-stop to school one morning, I didn't realise that my new cellphone had fallen out of my bag...and a gentleman drove behind me to tell me that I'd dropped it. On walking back to look for it, another gentleman came up to me with my phone in his hand.

My father came home one afternoon from his weekly business shop with a tub full of liquorice...because he knows its one of my favourites.

Not exactly life changing events and quite random, but connected by a synonymous theme which, in my opinion, is one of the things that make life truly amazing and beautiful...Kindness