H is for Hiddleston

This challenge would be incomplete if I did not find a way to talk about Tom Hiddleston. Sigh. Where do I begin? Or rather…instead of going on and on and on about his perfection (which I most definitely can do), perhaps I could talk share two positive ways my actual life has been impacted due to this person and the madness that is the Hiddleston Fandom.

Unexpected Friends: My favoured means of social media is Twitter. If I’m having a particularly bad day, I can simply open my timeline and my mood is instantly lifted. It is there that I officially became part of this fandom, which consists of millions, all ages, all shapes, sizes and colours, spread all over the globe. I must thank you, Tom, for the new friends I have made through you. I have yet to meet any of them in person, and I sincerely hope that I will get the chance to, because they have been a comfort and solace through a particularly difficult period. Together with Tom, they have re-introduced me to Shakespeare, expanded my reading repertoire, encouraged me to try new things and celebrated my successes with me.

Embracing the woman: For as long as I can consciously remember my life, I have been a tomboy. I was a little girl who played with toy guns instead of dolls, played sports, preferred jeans and dirt to dresses and make-up. Even when I hit my teens and twenties, getting me to dress up or even just presentably was a chore. Grooming was not my thing. But then I became part of this crazy world and became kind of infatuated with this man. As I watched his interaction with his female co-stars, or just females in general, I became more and more aware of myself as a woman. I want to be someone’s Peggy Bell, Kate, Virgilia, Eve…

I take a little more pride in my appearance these days and I embrace what makes me woman. 

Who knows? Someday Tom and I may run into each other (the world is such a small place these days)…and I want to make him turn around and look again. 

F is for Friendship

I don’t have many friends, true friends, and I am quite okay with it.

Friendship is, in my opinion, the most difficult relationship to successfully maintain – as with all kinds of relationships, there is always the risk of an imbalance, and you don’t have a contract binding you, like a marriage, but there is a level of emotional intimacy; you are privy to another’s best and worst, and there’s really nothing to stop you from saying ‘screw this shit’ and walking away when there is difficulty or conflict.

Being someone’s friend, in the truest essence of the word, takes a lot of effort, and the challenge for us all is to find that person or persons who are worth the effort and who think that you are worth the effort.

I read a beautiful quote on Twitter the other day, which says: “Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who walked into your life, said ‘I’m here for you’ and proved it.” It resonated with me because it is something that I have experienced most acutely over the last few years.

I have drifted so far from some of my oldest friends…but I have been caught by a person, who has been there for me (and continues to be) through some of my darkest hours. And if my lot in life is to only be able to call this one person my friend, I would be more than contented and happy.

Friendships vs Relationships

Two weeks ago I was asked this question: What makes a friendship different from a romantic relationship?

It made me think of every significant relationship I've ever had. By societal conventions, they probably don't classify as relationships - I've never been on a date, never experienced physical intimacy with a man - but to me they were. If I've given you my heart and you've given me yours, we're in a relationship.

With all of my relationships with people - be it platonic or romantic - my default setting is to give all of myself. I am supportive, nurturing, caring; I love so completely; I am always honest but always focus on the best in people. I have a talent, I think, for making people feel really good about themselves. I've approached all of my friendships and romantic endeavors in this way.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me, the only difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship is the sexual element. 

If I look back at all of the guys I've been interested in, I come to the following conclusion:
To get their attention, I overstated my tomboyishness - I love sports, never cared for grooming, wasn't overly sensitive or squeamish like most girls. It worked. I got their attention - and became "one of the guys". Even now, were I to be completely honest, I would admit that I still prefer the company of men. I am a tomboy. Part of me is always going to be that.

However, I am not male. All the female insecurities and sensibilities that I've tried to silence for the last two decades are there...and louder than they ever were. I've also realized that at this age, when you prefer the company of men, they will label you as either one of the guys or a whore. And I am neither. 

I've always prided myself one being the best friend any one could have...
But more than that, inside of me lies the potential to be the best lover and companion a guy could ever ask for.
Every guy who's been in my life took happily what I gave...and gave me nothing substantial in return. Instead, they left me with scars, scars I didn't even see were there, and a feeling of being unworthy of love.

I've made the decision, unconsciously at first but now consciously, to refrain from friendships with males - unless I have an ulterior romantic motive.

My challenge is to SHOW the possibilities of what could be if they commit to me, but to withhold the commitment until a proper proposition is made from them.

This challenge is slightly more difficult for me because I'm trying to conduct every aspect of my life according to my religion. Following the orders from my Creator takes preference over my own desires - and so I have to rise to this challenge without contravening Divine law. I think this awareness has largely contributed to me curbing my naturally flirtatious nature when it comes to men.

But...that's it. I am done being only your friend.

Take note gentlemen: if you want ANY part of me, you will have to take ALL of me.

Thanks for the inspiration

People come into your life for a reason. Good ones, bad ones, they serve a purpose, and sometimes it's not clear to us what their purpose is.

There is a particular person in my life for whom I am profoundly grateful.

Our personalities are very different, and I'm pretty sure that when people see us together, it must confuse them as to how exactly we came to be friends. And when I myself think about it, it is odd - a random piece of fiction was the birth of our friendship and I am happy to say that although we have such different personalities, our friendship has matured and blossomed way past that bit of fiction.

I am grateful for her for many things, but the latest thing she is responsible for is the improvement of my health. I've been lucky this Ramadaan past, as it is the first year I have lost a significant amount of weight. To date, it is about 9kg (for you americans, thats almost 20 pounds).
How did I manage this?
By simply following a diet that she is forced to follow for health reasons (this friend of mine is deathly allergic to ALOT of things).

So, Anu, thanks a lot.
You were my inspiration for this and it has yielded results wayyyy beyond my expectations.