courage

For the last few weeks I've been around couples and love.
Fighting couples, loving couples, newly-wed couples, old married couples, secret love, unrequited love...
and it has to be said, my love life has consisted mainly of the last two types.

But I did one thing this year that I'm quite proud of.

You see, as big as my mouth is (and it's big), I am a big wuss when it comes to letting someone know how I feel about them.
Then last year, I fell for someone...someone who is unlike any other guy I know. This guy is kind and considerate, doesn't have a malicious bone in his body, intelligent but not arrogant, a little quiet, but I don't actually mind that. Everything you could hope for when considering someone for marriage. But I've always maintained that there has to be an attraction between people on a more basic level for them to even consider marriage...and since I've known this guy for more than 10 years, well, I didn't really have that kind of attraction to him at all...

Until last year.

Unfortunately, he did not reciprocate my feelings. It stung for a while, more than I initially thought it would. I don't think even I realised just how much I liked him.

But after a while, the sting lessened, and I can now reflect on that whole situation and take some good things from it....
1. I made an effort to try and get what I wanted...I didn't dwell on 'what if' and live inside of my head
2. I didn't freak out when he didn't reciprocate my feelings.
3. I accepted that nothing was to come of it, and after some time, I was able to move on.
4. I came to some realisations that helped me achieve number 3...

• Guys and girls cannot be close friends...or at the very least, I cannot be close friends with a member of the opposite gender...someone inevitably ends up feeling more than friendship and people get hurt
• I can be your best friend...but if a guy wants any part of me, he has to want every part of me
• Once you've crossed the boundary of friendship, and a relationship doesn't work out, you cannot go back to being friends. It just won't work. And even though this guy is amazing, and even though it would've been easy for me to slip back into the 'we're friends' bit, I would have been the one who has to struggle all the time...and so, I practically stopped communicating with him. No more texts, no more e-mails or facebook messages... If I were to see him anywhere, I would be very polite and pleasant, but it would end there, because I need to protect myself.
• Most importantly, things didn't work out as I wanted it to. But the next day, the sun came up and life went on...and so did I.

And even if I don't get to experience that kind of love in this lifetime, I know for sure my Jasper is waiting for me in the afterlife :))

be brave my friends

I dedicate today's post to all those people who seem to get their hearts broken quite a lot. I am definitely one of those people. But this year, I did something I am quite proud of, and something I believe which has been for me a step in the right direction.

Last year, I fell for someone. Someone who I've been friends with for like more than 10 years. He and I weren't really close, but we were good friends, and through the years I've always said that if I had to select any person to marry one day (provided I wasn't in love with someone else, of course) it would be him. He is a such a cool guy. A little quiet maybe, but that's not exactly a deal breaker and those who know me will be able to vouch for the fact that I talk enough for 10 people. But he is a darling, considerate, intelligent, funny, a good muslim (which is important for me), family oriented...the list is endless. But I am a firm believer in there having to be physical attraction between people for a marriage to be successful. I must admit, prior to Saturday 6 March 2010, I did not have this kind of attraction to this guy.
But that day, I greeted him, looked at him standing against the wall of a nursery in a hospital looking like he just got out of bed and felt my heart and stomach drop to my feet.

I tried to subtly let him know I was interested. Despite the fact that I have a big mouth, I'm very shy when it comes to dealing with men on that level. This went on for about 9 months or so and after I visited a friend of mine and told her about my predicament, she encouraged me to spell things out and let him know in idiot-proof terms that I was interested.

I did...and sadly, he did not feel the same way.

But, one thing I was really glad for was that I finally mustered up the courage to let a guy know that I was into him. Yes, it didn't turn out the way I would have liked, and I bled for a few months, but I'm more confident now and if there is someone that manages to capture my interest again, I won't hesitate to tell him that he did.

it's a holiday

YEAAHHH!!!!!!
I am on holiday for three weeks. No getting up at the crack of dawn to be in the office before the sun comes up (if it comes up), no running around school in the cold and rain for 3 whole weeks!

Three weeks of warm blankets, warm beverages, tv series and sleep.

Can you hear my sigh of contentment?

hot-blooded

I almost fell out of my desk chair here laughing at my friend Sirferaaz's comment on my last post.
Let me clear up a few things for all you guys out there...

Girls have "feelings" too. We are just as (if not more than) hot-blooded as you are.
We don't always talk about it because it gets frowned upon (but when men are open about it, no problem...I hope y'all can here the sarcasm dripping here), but make no mistake, the thoughts and fantasies are there :))))

robert pattinson

Three year ago, my dad had triple by-pass surgery.

We were lucky to have caught his heart problems before he had a heart attack, and his recovery was a long and arduous thing.

By the Friday after my birthday, I was so tired and just in need of a day out.

I went to visit a very good friend of mine, Zaheerah, and she was telling me that she and her cousins were planning on going to the movies that Sunday. I'm ashamed to admit that I invited myself along also, but in my defense, I was desperate to get out of the house for a few hours.

The movie we went to see was Twilight. I had never read the books prior to that (never knew about it in fact) but I wanted to watch it because it was about vampires, and I am quite a fan of the genre. I read Anne Rice and I love Bram Stoker's Dracula (the movie). So I was looking forward to the movie.

I was pleasantly surprised. I loved the story, and the following week, I went and bought the books and fell in love with the whole series.

But more than that, I fell madly in love with Robert Pattinson. I do realise now that it was more for his portrayal of Edward, but I was hooked. And if I have to be honest, looks wise he is not completely my type. I like guys who are bigger, a little more muscular. But suddenly he was exactly my cuppa tea.

After New Moon (the movie), my obsession started to simmer down. And by Eclipse I was (and still am) completely hot for Jasper (and by extension, Jackson Rathbone).

A few weeks ago I watched the first trailer for Breaking Dawn and I am really happy that the director kept in the scene where Edward breaks the headboard. Yesterday morning I watched Remember me.

And the thing that struck me watching both of those things is that Robert Pattinson has seriously sexy back muscles.

I almost fell off the chair during the intimate scenes.

addiction

I’ve come to the realisation that this week, in my highly emotional state, I need some reassurance.

Of what, you might ask? Well, nothing in particular and everything in general.

I need to be reassured that I am worthy of good things. I need to be reassured that I am a good person to be around. I need to be reassured of the fact that I am capable of making my own decisions. I need to be respected for the decisions that I make. I need attention.

Reading the above paragraph makes me feel like I’m being selfish. As a child, I was often reprimanded for being selfish. Now, as an adult woman of almost thirty, I look at other children and think to myself, “Isn’t selfishness an inherent quality of a child?” and it makes me think, was I really so bad. Most of them eventually grow out of it.

Whatever the case, there came a point in my life where I was convinced that I was the most selfish person ever created. And as a result, I now find myself at the point where I know for a fact that I am not, but that I in fact sometimes give too much of myself.

It is part of the very fabric of my being to give to people. I love making people happy. Putting a smile on someone’s face or in their heart is like crack to me. But, like all addictions, it comes with a price. The price I find myself paying for my addiction is that whenever I want to do anything for myself, I feel like that selfish 11 year old all over again.

My question (and please, if you’re reading this, any kind of input would be greatly appreciated): how the hell do I find the balance where I don’t have to change who I am, but stop feeling guilty for wanting and needing things also?

moody

My mood is really thunderous today.

And I don’t know why. My family assumes it’s because of where I was yesterday, but really, I would smack myself before I let that person upset me.

I don’t know if it’s PMS, or if it’s just a culmination of all the crappy things that went on the last few months or so...I just know that I need to be left alone now.

What annoyed me even more is that the one time I am moody and show it, it gets remarked on.

home

For the next two months, my mom, sister and I will be house-sitting our old house (we moved 6 months ago into the house my dad lives in-his now deceased first wife used to live there). My sister and her family now live here and as I've blogged about previously, they have gone to Tunisia for two months to visit my brother-in-law's family.

We came on Wednesday (it's Friday today) and that evening I was so tired, I just fell asleep really early.
Last night and this morning, I am confronted by this really unexpected and weird feeling...this house doesn't feel like it's mine anymore. Hopefully, this is a good thing for me, because it's been a bit of a struggle settling into the new house.
Which prompts the question: how do you define what your home is?

culture

I had quite a busy day today.
One of my nieces turned 13. Big milestone. And this particular niece is like my own child...she came home to us from the hospital, 4 days old, and has not left since. For the last few years, whenever one of the small kids in the family have a birthday, I get asked to bake (cupcakes and chocolate cake are my 2 specialties). Which I did last night. And this morning, Ayesha and I went to buy her "Step-up" sneakers and get stuff to make for lunch, which I also did after the shopping.

When I had just out my casserole into the oven, my friend came to pick me up. She had asked me on Monday to help her with her brother-in-law's engagement (this particular brother in law of hers I have a serious physical attraction to. He is an asshole of the first degree, arrogant and entitled as hell, so any sort of relationship with him is not exactly on a priority list of mine. But, if I were allowed to be naughty with him...damn, I would be).

But that's not the point of today's post. This person and his family are South Africans of Indian descent. When they have weddings, it is like this whole list of cultural things that 'need' to be observed.
My question is why?
I have seen families conform to cultural norms and practices, especially when it comes to marriage, and people have put themselves into major debt to keep up appearances with people in the community or family.
Fortunately for this family, that is not the case.

So why exactly do people cling so to unnecessary cultural practices?

maybe i'm just being too sensitive

I just came home.

Today started off a little down, but the big family lunch was great, and talking crap with my siblings always has a way of lifting my mood whenever it's in the doldrums.

After lunch was my cousin's wedding.
I was a bit iffed about a few things concerning this wedding...
1. We were notified about the fact that my cousin was getting married last week...like a week before it was supposed to happen. Like, why the hell was it treated like a state secret? Marriage is something to be celebrated, and you want as much well wishes and prayers for the success of you marriage, especially from your family members.
2. Because of the secret nature of this wedding, we weren't really involved in the preparation and so forth, and where I come from, with family, you help out as much as you can. In the case of my extended family on my dad's side, it's you help out when you're invited to.
3. Since my mom is wife number 2, my father's family have never made her feel welcome, so I hate it when she has to sit through these functions and be made to feel like an unwanted outsider.

You know, I'm really fond of this particular cousin of mine. Of all of my male relatives, he is the one that is accepting of us, he is affectionate towards my mom, he is super protective of my baby sis and myself, even more so than some of my brothers.
I just expected to hear of his good news from him.