courage

For the last few weeks I've been around couples and love.
Fighting couples, loving couples, newly-wed couples, old married couples, secret love, unrequited love...
and it has to be said, my love life has consisted mainly of the last two types.

But I did one thing this year that I'm quite proud of.

You see, as big as my mouth is (and it's big), I am a big wuss when it comes to letting someone know how I feel about them.
Then last year, I fell for someone...someone who is unlike any other guy I know. This guy is kind and considerate, doesn't have a malicious bone in his body, intelligent but not arrogant, a little quiet, but I don't actually mind that. Everything you could hope for when considering someone for marriage. But I've always maintained that there has to be an attraction between people on a more basic level for them to even consider marriage...and since I've known this guy for more than 10 years, well, I didn't really have that kind of attraction to him at all...

Until last year.

Unfortunately, he did not reciprocate my feelings. It stung for a while, more than I initially thought it would. I don't think even I realised just how much I liked him.

But after a while, the sting lessened, and I can now reflect on that whole situation and take some good things from it....
1. I made an effort to try and get what I wanted...I didn't dwell on 'what if' and live inside of my head
2. I didn't freak out when he didn't reciprocate my feelings.
3. I accepted that nothing was to come of it, and after some time, I was able to move on.
4. I came to some realisations that helped me achieve number 3...

• Guys and girls cannot be close friends...or at the very least, I cannot be close friends with a member of the opposite gender...someone inevitably ends up feeling more than friendship and people get hurt
• I can be your best friend...but if a guy wants any part of me, he has to want every part of me
• Once you've crossed the boundary of friendship, and a relationship doesn't work out, you cannot go back to being friends. It just won't work. And even though this guy is amazing, and even though it would've been easy for me to slip back into the 'we're friends' bit, I would have been the one who has to struggle all the time...and so, I practically stopped communicating with him. No more texts, no more e-mails or facebook messages... If I were to see him anywhere, I would be very polite and pleasant, but it would end there, because I need to protect myself.
• Most importantly, things didn't work out as I wanted it to. But the next day, the sun came up and life went on...and so did I.

And even if I don't get to experience that kind of love in this lifetime, I know for sure my Jasper is waiting for me in the afterlife :))