C is for Challenge

Every child experiences a period where they want to hide from things that are challenging – whether it is school related, or peer related, or whatever – of which the time and duration is different for everyone.

For me this lasted very long, into a time where a person should have developed some kind of common sense but still be brave enough to take on new challenges.

My resistance to challenges was amplified, I believe, by a combination of things – growing up in a very sheltered existence, an unhealthy attitude towards failure, not really having to struggle for things, not wanting to attract negative attention, not wanting to be ridiculed. Despite normal adolescent issues, I’ve never really had to (or wanted to) fight for anything, and I kind of floated through those years, contented to be content and under the radar.

While this kind of approach may protect you from extreme disappointment, it also deprives you from experiencing overwhelming happiness and a great sense of achievement. It took a long time for me to realize that the most difficult and challenging experiences, more so than easy successes, have made me discover my strengths and abilities (some that I never thought possible for me to possess).

This may have come at an unusually late stage in my life, but I am happy to at last be in a space where I am not afraid to say, “Bring it on!”

B is for Bride

I spent four days with the family of a very good friend of mine who got married two Saturdays ago.

My connection to this family is not through the Bride though – I have been friends with one of her older sisters for seventeen years, and almost immediately from the start of my friendship with her, I was welcomed into their home like another daughter.

The Bride was thirteen years old, when her sister and I became friends, and after her sister got married and had children, myself and said Bride became closer as friends too.

Those of you who are Indian and who have friends who are Indian will know that an Indian wedding is a marathon, not a sprint. There are many little functions and events that happen during the week leading up to the wedding. Lots of fun, as all the family gathers to celebrate, but also a fertile breeding ground for petty squabbles and unnecessary drama.

Something that has always been a bitter pill for me swallow is my community’s tendency to measure a woman’s worth by her marital status. This is actually something that the Bride and I have lamented to each other many times. Every achievement you have ever earned gets overlooked when they hear you are a certain age and unmarried. The evening before the wedding, I managed to get the Bride alone (with her best friend) and it gave me an opportunity to tell her how proud I was of her, for all that she has achieved professionally (passed the bar exam at 22 and at 30, she is an associate at her law firm), for the way in which she has looked after and preserved herself (her virtue and, more importantly, reputation and dignity is beyond question), and mostly for not succumbing to her family or society’s pressure to marry before she was ready and before she had found the right person for her.

The morning of her wedding, we all gathered at the local mosque to bear witness to the marriage ceremony (called nikāh in Arabic).

I watched her as we heard her fiancé utter the words that would make her his wife…the happiness brimming over her eyelids outshone the breath taking bridal dress she was wearing, and I lost the battle against my tears. As the groom gazed upon her for the first time as his wife, I was absolutely certain my ribcage would shatter trying to contain the happiness that welled up in me.

Those looks remained on their faces for the rest of the day. And my prayer is that in the face of all the challenges they will undoubtedly face, that they would still be able to look upon each other as they did that day.

A – Aunt

Inspired by my Twuddie, @HiddlestonedZelda, I have decided to try the A-Z Blogger's Challenge for the month of April. I've been in a bit of a funk as regards my writing, so thank you Z, for this - hopefully it will help to unblock.

I have 21 nieces and nephews. Yep, you read that correctly. Twenty one. Three times seven. Yes, they are the children of my brothers and sisters (not cousins). And yes, I know all of their names, birthdays and ages.

I became an aunt for the first time one month before my fifth birthday. Even though I was so little, I still have memories of my sister’s pregnancy. The next came two years later, and the rest of them came almost every year after that. Our family’s eldest grandchild is 27 years old, and a doctor, and our youngest is 5, just starting school.

I have a different relationship with each of them. Some are like younger siblings, because of the close proximity of our ages or because of my youthful personality (the teens come to mind here). The little ones regard me in a parental light.

One of my nieces was my guinea pig – I learnt how to look after babies and children with her, and even though I am only fifteen years older than her, she calls me her other mom. She is the only one whom I’ve had a very active hand in raising, and even though she is 17 now, I still regard her as my baby. A title she now has to share with our youngest, who, along with his sister, stayed with us two years ago while their parents were on pilgrimage. He was 3 years old at the time, and it was the first time ever that he was away from his parents, so naturally, it was going to be a struggle. And we had to come up with creative ideas to get him in a compliant frame of mind – as a result, I had to memorise the Pitch Perfect soundtrack so I could sing it to him at bath time and read Cat in the Hat every night for 6 weeks. All the things I learnt with the 17 year old came in handy with the 3 year old.

In some way, shape or form, I have been a parent to 21, and I am happy for the roles I have played and get to play in their lives (baker, tutor, potty-trainer, financial adviser, career counsellor, hairdresser, stylist, chef, nurse…the list is endless).

I have yet to experience motherhood for myself. But if it so happens that I leave this world without experiencing it, I won’t be too disappointed.

And I am extremely excited, because soon I’ll be able to be all of this for number 22.

Sorry, Tom

Last night, Tom Hiddleston tweeted for the first time in almost four months.

Again, Twitter almost broke, because of the response of his fans. Now, most of us try and keep it respectful, but we are an enthusiastic bunch. And I remarked to a few of my Tweeps, "I wonder if he ever sees how we carry on, and whether he laughs or is frightened by it".

A joke, perhaps, but seriously, I wonder sometimes whether he doesn't cringe at some of our shenanigans.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to you, Tom, if we make you feel uncomfortable or frighten you in any way.

We admire and respect you, and yes, sometimes we get carried away when we objectify you...

But I hope you will remember that it comes from a place of love :)

Intolerance

I read a very interesting post on intolerance (https://musingsfromameanderingmind.wordpress.com/2014/12/31/intolerance-and-the-imitation-game/).

The author makes very valid statements on the level of intolerance prevalent in our world today. It seems to me that as we progress materially, we regress in terms of our humanity. And in this particular post, the sentence that resonated most with me was, "I'm human. And so is the rest of the world, but that doesn't mean we can't take a step back, put our shortsightedness, stupidity and cruelty in perspective and allow folks to live their lives without our values being imposed on them, or theirs imposed on us".

The whole piece, and the above quote in particular, for me, nails the major problem we face in the world today.
But from my standpoint, what the world has become intolerant of disturbs me.

If I take myself as an example: I am an adult female, born into a Muslim family. I did not always conduct my life in perfect accordance to my faith, but have reached a point where I decided that I want to be a Muslim, and that I was going to make a bigger effort to be a better Muslim.

I do not date, because courtship is prohibited in my faith.
I dress very modestly and wear my headscarf.
I do not drink, do drugs, fornicate with strangers outside of marriage and I will never entertain even the thought of homosexuality.

Now, people are going to read this and probably want to pitch me off the nearest building, because it goes against societal norms (these days, at least).
They will probably fail to see that these are my choices. They probably won't ask me why I made those choices. And they probably won't see that while I live my life a certain way, I don't publicly persecute or ridicule people who have chosen a different lifestyle. I am not about to abuse someone because they have a girlfriend/boyfriend, dress provocatively or because they're gay. And I'm not going to force them to live the way that I live.

I cannot speak for all who share my kind of lifestyle, but I can speak for myself.
My life choices are for my own peace of mind, for the contentment of my heart, for my protection and for the protection of society from mistakes that I may make.
I am healthy. I am happy. I am safe and I haven't endangered anyone in the 32 years I've walked this earth...and I hope that this will make you a little more tolerant of me.

Things I wish I'd heeded earlier

My sister once said, "I don't have regrets. Regret means that you're doubting the plan that God has for you." Words I have tried to live by, since the day she spoke them. Yes, you make choices in your life...but so many things have happened in my life that leaves me with no doubt that it is guided by a Supreme Hand.

However, I am human.
I err, and try to make amends, and err again. And sometimes, just when I think I have a good handle on some difficult thing I've had to learn, I mess up again.
When you're a child, you forget and bounce back quickly. When you're a teenager, you don't forget - you do, ignore advice and repeat. As an adult, your mistakes affect you, sometimes for longer than they should. And with this comes lots of introspection.

The following are things I wish I'd listened to and heeded much earlier in my life (and some I wish someone would have warned me about at all)...

1. Growing pains is 10% physical and 90% emotional.

2. Guys and girls can never just be friends.

3. Having tact and a filter is very beneficial to your health.

4. Silence is not always golden.

Withdrawal

I tried a little experiment yesterday, with the intention of going on a few days detox: no starch, more fresh fruit and vegetables (which I love actually), more water, but no coffee.

BIG MISTAKE.

When I got home at four, I couldn't keep my eyes open and my head was ready to burst.

So, I am officially a caffeine addict, suffering withdrawal.

“You don’t have to be part of a couple to be happy, you know.”

My mother is undoubtedly one of my biggest blessings. We are the products of an Indian father and Cape Malay mother; but she raised us according to values and ethics of our religion, and not either of the cultural norms of either Indian or Cape Malay society. She relentlessly encouraged us to seek knowledge, to embrace our heritage and discard culture when it contravened faith, but to always be respectful and tolerant of those who lived unwaveringly by it. The society I was born into has a tendency to confuse cultural practices with religious law – and I am eternally grateful to my mother for always reminding us to separate the two.

One cultural ‘ideal’ that I am uncomfortable with is the ‘duty’ of a young woman to marry at a certain point in her life. Women are measured by their marital status, and are somehow considered lacking or incomplete when they are found to be unattached.

I am a Muslim. I may not always succeed at performing my religious duties perfectly, but I always try – it is a lifelong journey – and I am in complete agreement with the importance that Islamic Law places on the institution of marriage. It is a most sacred and, for those who are fortunate enough to have a partner in life and who put in the work, a most beautiful state.

However. I am an educated woman. I make an honest living and contribute positively to my family and society. I am a dutiful daughter to my parents, a supportive and loving sister to my ten siblings and a firm yet fun aunt to twenty one. I have no criminal record, I don’t drink or do drugs and I am not promiscuous. I have the ability and skill to excel at almost anything I attempt.

And what annoys me to no end is that when people look at me, all they see is that I am the only one of my siblings still single.

Happiness comes in many forms.

I am healthy. I am loved – not by many, but unconditionally by some. I am able to work and I am able to enjoy life. I live in safety, and with the freedom to conduct my life as it suits me.

I am blessed. And regardless of my single status, I am happy.

The best version

At the age of thirty, I hit a brick wall – which had nothing to do with age (I am inordinately grateful for every year I am granted to spend in this life).

The brick wall was the culmination of years of bad habits from those who should know better, which ended in a catastrophe. A catastrophe that exposed many things for all who were involved.
The thing that was exposed for me: gross self-neglect.

The wonderful thing about hitting rock bottom is that there’s only two paths you can take – you can stay there, or you can go up. The choice is up to you as an individual.

I needed to choose to look after myself.

Not many people are aware of my struggles the last two years. However, everyone can see the changes, and frequently comment on it, whether it is related to my speech or actions, and more particularly, my appearance. I’ve lost some weight and acquired some grooming habits. I have discovered new passions, acquired some new skills, and now, I am happy with the person who gets up every morning, and cope better with the challenges I have to face.

I made a few small changes to my life and it translated into quite a transformation.

My colleagues are always asking me the reason for my transformation, and I’ve tried to answer them as truthfully as possible but have never felt like I’ve answered them properly. Jennifer Elisabeth has said it the best:

“I want to be the best version of myself for anyone who is going to someday walk into my life and need someone to love them beyond reason.”

Thankful for my infinite blessings

The school I work for services a very large portion of children who come from very impoverished areas, and so we are fortunate enough to be part of two initiatives: the Peninsula School Feeding Scheme and the Kellogg's Breakfast program. Both of these organisations send food and cereal on a weekly and monthly basis, so that we can ensure that our children don't have to learn with a hungry tummy.
Two days ago we celebrated World Food Day. The people at the Kellogg's BP brought Cindy Nel, a former Miss South Africa and model, to come and assist our kitchen ladies in serving breakfast to our kids.
There were photographers and journalists and the morning was quite festive, and the looks on the faces of the children made me think about my life.

It is so ingrained in us to complain and to find fault with anything and everything around us.
I have never gone to bed hungry. I have always had a roof over my head and have slept in a bed my whole life. My parents gave me a proper education-I didn't have to work for it myself. I am healthy, and able to work and contribute to my community.

Canada and the US celebrate Thanksgiving in October and November respectively, and although I am not an American or Canadian, I think it is a very good idea to reflect on all the good in one's life and to give thanks to the Almighty for it. This week, Thursday past in particular made me realize that I have nothing to complain about and I have so much to be thankful for.