W is for Who am I?

I was born during the last decade of the Apartheid era, was eight years old when Nelson Mandela was released from prison and was twelve when we had our first democratic elections. I did not feel the effects of this dark time the way my older siblings and parents did, and therefore feel that I cannot claim to be a child of the struggle.

South Africa is in its twenty-first year of freedom, but unfortunately there is still lingering effects of Apartheid, mostly in the form of racism. Law does not dictate it anymore but you still find people grouping together based on race and ethnicity, and you still find quite a lot of intolerance.

Now this may spark outrage and controversy, but for me, the worst thing that has happened in the last twenty years is that the indigenous people of my country have confused their identities.

I find it very disconcerting when I walk past a Zulu person speaking English with a British accent to a fellow Zulu, instead of their own language, or when I talk to Xhosa and Muslim learners at school and they do not know their own culture. It’s almost as if they are afraid to outwardly express the uniqueness of their cultures and faiths, and are all striving to become the same thing.

I was like that too. And there came a time when I had to ask myself who I was – a question I can now answer:

I am a Muslim, Indian-Cape Malay hybrid, South African woman.

And I am so grateful that time, circumstance and experience have steered me to where I sit comfortably in my skin and wear my identity proudly.

V is for Virtue

As an unmarried thirty-something year old female, I am constantly bombarded with comments and questions around my state: “Why are you not married?” “What kind of guys do you like?” “You’re too full of shit.” There are many others I can’t readily think of now (they have become like this incoherent hum, and my brain now blocks most of them).

But the most colourful question I have been asked (recently by a colleague) is whether I’d like my future husband to be a virgin. I laughed, and will admit that I did not quite know how to answer this question because it’s the first time I’ve ever been asked. I mean, I opened my mouth and nothing came out. Literally nothing. I don’t know of any woman who has been asked this question (if you have, I’d love to know what your response was).

Do women think about men’s virtue? I did not actively before this week.

Could it be because virtue is sneered at? Or because we still live in a patriarchal world where a woman is expected to maintain her virtue but a man is not (whoever wants to argue this point, ask yourself why a man is admired when he can ‘get’ lots of women but a woman is labelled a slut when she does the same)? Or could it be that despite the labels, more women are adopting the attitudes of men, and saying, ‘Screw it. I’ll do what I like.’

So my response to her was this:

It is difficult to answer because we all make mistakes and people’s circumstances are different (I mean, if I were to marry a divorcee, I couldn’t very well expect him to be a virgin). Ideally, yes I would like someone completely virtuous, because that’s what he will be getting if he marries me. But we do not live in an ideal world. And so I would be happy with a person who has virtuous ideals.

U is for Useless Colleagues

Work has been kind of miserable the last six months or so because I have been cursed with useless colleagues. One would expect the children and their parents to be the ones who are difficult – and some of them are, but my biggest challenge at work are the people I work with.

They are divided into three:

First, you get the ones who are just downright lazy, will do nothing for themselves, refuse to learn or acquire new skills and expect others to clean up their mess; the ones who think they know everything there is to know, and who are threatened by your ability to work; lastly, the ones who are so vindictive, that they make every effort to derail your projects or attempts to affect positive change.

I do not need to be defined by a career or money – I do not chase titles or positions, nor do I covet millions. Work should be legal, enable me to pay the bills and allow me enough time to devote to things that do define me – family and other interests.

When it comes to my career and workplace, I ask only for the following: that you do your work, allow me to do mine, take responsibility for your successes and failures, and remain professional at all times.

You don’t need to like me – I have friends – but respect, boundaries and WORK ETHIC is imperative.

Sadly, I seem to have ended up in a place where these are appallingly lacking.

T is for Twilight

For those of you rolling your eyes, I am referring to the books, and not the film adaptation (which, despite the fact that the books are way better, wasn't too bad either - don't pretend you didn't watch it and that you didn't like it).

I was introduced to Twilight through the film. A good friend of mine allowed me to gatecrash her cousins' movie date and I was pleasantly surprised at the film - vampires, romance, hot guys; all my favourite things in one film, and I left the cinema quite happy to be in love with Edward Cullen.

Anxious to know how the rest of the story unfolds, I went and bought myself the books.

Life is so serious and sad, and for my sanity, I escape into the worlds of movies and books. I have my preferences when it comes to my entertainment, but I have only one rule: the less of reality in it, the better. I wish I could read the Twilight series for the first time again, because it would be so amazing to experience those emotions all over again. 

Not only am I drawn by the romance (and not just of the lead characters, more so, in fact, of all the peripheral couples), but by the way Stephenie Meyer has managed to show us this dream world. She is, in my humble opinion, brilliant at her craft.

I read all the books a week (I spent a whole day in pajamas reading Breaking Dawn and finished in less than 24 hours, only getting up twice to use the facilities) and it was as though I had a cinema reel inside my head - every word played out behind my eyes as I read them.

However, the two greatest things that this series has done for me: it led me to my best friend and led me to writing. 

And inspired me to set an actual goal for myself. Hopefully one day I will be able to create something just as magical.

S is for Sagittarian

I’m not one who follows the Zodiac – in fact, I usually think it’s a lot of hogwash. But my bff sent me this email, which shares seven characteristics of Sagittarians. I laughed at how spookily accurate the following were, pertaining to me:

1. It’s always funny to see how uneasy they can be with compliments/flattery, even though they love it. (yup, me in a nutshell)
2. It’s not that they’re blunt and don’t care, they just say what everyone else is thinking. (My filter is a work-in-progress)
3. They love meeting new people…who think and act like them. (Hahahahaha! I totally do!)
4. You’ll be surprised at how “easily touched” they are. Yes, they are sentimental…sometimes. (Big mouth, small heart – that’s me)
5. Their sarcasm will crack you up, especially when they’re mad. (Don’t say you weren’t warned)
6. They make great sidekicks. They like to have fun and do new shit. (I am THE wingman…winglady…wingperson)
7. To really make them understand something, use logic. They don’t really care about your “emotional revelations”. (It’s not that we don’t care – we just don’t always understand that language)

R is for Reality TV

This is a phenomenon that I just have not embraced. Yes, people might tell me that these shows depict how the world and people are today. And they would be right – the world is a weird place right now, and is getting weirder by the minute.

But we have only ourselves to blame for this because we sanction weird behaviour by watching these shows.

How can we consider physical struggles (sickness, hunger and exhaustion) of a group of people marooned on an island as entertainment, when there are an obscene amount of people in the world who experience these struggles for real every single day?

Who in their right mind would want to televise their quest for love? It is hard enough to find it without an audience. These people are deluding themselves into thinking that they’ve found real love after going through what is essentially a catalogue.

What frightens me most about reality TV is the rapid rate at which it has grown – because we watch it. It’s become normal to throw random people into a house and watch them deteriorate. It’s become normal to publicize people’s dirty laundry. It’s become normal for teenagers to fall pregnant at seventeen. It’s become normal for housewives to beat each other up in front of a camera.

This is the result of reality TV.

Times move on and societal norms and customs do change. But does no one worry about the fact that we have regressed to a point where unacceptable behaviour has become accepted? Does no one worry about the effect it will have on the generations that will come after us?

I feel like the world has now become the forty-floor building from the novel High Rise – and like those people in it, we are racing towards our own decline.

Q is for Quotes

A couple of months ago I was browsing through a store and saw this adorable little notebook with teacups on the cover. Said notebook became the home of my collection of quotes – from books, movies, songs, people. I think the quotes I collect say a lot about me as a person, and for this particular post, I thought I’d share a few of my absolute favourites.

“I want to be the best version of myself for anyone who is going to someday walk into my life and need someone to love them beyond reason.” ~ Jennifer Elisabeth

“I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.” ~ Patrick Dennis

“Follow the three R’s: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.” ~ Dalai Lama

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ~ Herm Albright

“No one has ever drowned in his own sweat.” ~ Ann Landers

“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” ~ Ingrid Bergman

“Rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength.”

“I melt. And am not of stronger earth than others.” ~ Coriolanus

“I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you. Especially when you are near me as now; it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in a corresponding quarter of your little frame: and if that boisterous channel and two hundred miles or so of land some broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt, and I’ve a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly.” ~ Jane Eyre

“You have witchcraft in your lips, Kate. There is more eloquence in a sugar touch of them, than in the tongues of the French council; and they should sooner persuade Harry of England than a general petition of monarchs.” ~ Henry V

P is for Pilates

November last year I discovered Pilates. I had a very different view as to what this form of exercise was about – I still had images of Julie and Kirsten of the OC, bored California housewives looking for something to do.

And then I met Naz, our trainer, who made me do Pilates in a dress for the first time (I was with my sister that evening, and just went along to observe). The next week, I officially joined.

Naz makes Hitler look like a Backstreet Boy. The hour we spend with her every Tuesday is split into twenty minutes of very high impact aerobics, thirty five minutes of Pilates and five minutes of stretching. We don’t perspire in her class. We sweat like pigs.

I like doing physical things but I hate gym (too boring and monotonous and solitary). And this has been a blessing. We are a small class of about seven ladies, so Naz can focus on each of us. The other ladies are all very cool, and are great at motivating one another.

In addition to being able to see the physical changes on my body, I am sleeping better, have less tension knots in my neck, and have been able to avoid going on meds to help with depression (endorphins are AH-mazing).

I’ve also started a class at school with my kids, incorporating some of the stuff I learn in my own class (trying to pay it forward).

So, get up and go and find a form of exercise that works for you and that you can stick with.

O is for Originality

In 2013, I enrolled into a Journalism class. Two nights a week for four and a half months and copious amounts of writing (I actually miss having writing deadlines, and this challenge has been good for me).

Our first writing assignment was labelled “Originality” and we had to answer fifteen questions about ourselves, so that our lecturer could get to know us better (we were a class of seven people, so this was possible for her to achieve).

The last instruction was for us to tell her some things that we have very strong feelings about. I read through this assignment this evening and although it is now two years later, the following still stand:

“I believe that wisdom does not always come with age. I believe that every major problem we face in the world today is a result of greed, intolerance and lack of accountability. I believe that there can be no love between a man and a woman before marriage. I believe that the breakdown of society is directly linked to the breakdown of families. I believe in speaking and hearing the truth – even if it is bitter. I believe a smile is the best form of charity.”

N is for Nerd Girls

I would like to dedicate this post to the women in my life, the ones I have met recently and the ones I have known almost forever – my best friend, A, my sisters, my mother and my new friends I’ve made via Twitter (Z, K, Deb, Holly, Red, etc.).

This is us, ladies.

I am not going to sit here and spew some unrealistic crap about how looks do not factor into what makes a person hot, because it does.

I will say that tastes vary and attractiveness is subjective (and therefore cannot be STANDARDIZED, LABELLED or STEREOTYPED), and so everyone will have their own idea of what they find hot.

But. Intelligence is ALWAYS sexy. In my own experience, limited though it may be, most men fear intelligence in women. A clever girl will see through all of your bullshit.

But she will also be able to recognise your insecurities, and when this cleverness is coupled with kindness (which you will find it often is) she will never use them against you, she will never play on them – she will work to bring out the best in you, and if you are equally smart, it will lead to her to giving you the best of herself.

So guys, once you overcome your fear, break out of your Paris-Hilton-esque mind-set and are brave enough to venture into our world, you will find us nerd girls surprisingly sexy and romantic.